-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it. You're watching. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys, I'm excited about this.
Mandy Moore is here tonight on the show from "This Is Us."
[ Cheers and applause ]
These days, if someone is crying in front of the TV,
they're either watching the last season of "This Is Us"
or the stock market.
It's very interesting.
It has been a rough week on Wall Street,
with the world's largest tech companies,
like Amazon, Facebook, and Google
losing more than $1 trillion over the last few days.
Yeah, you can tell Google is desperate for help,
because today, they asked Jeeves what to do.
Yeah, it's clear they're in trouble,
because when you type "Google" into Google Translator,
it comes back as Yahoo!
Yep, things are tense at the company.
If you type a word into Google, it just says,
"Autofill the rest yourself, you lazy bastard."
And you go, "That's not..."
But don't worry -- Google has a plan to turn things around.
As we speak, they're telling investors,
"Sell one more share, and we'll release your search history."
That will work.
And it's not just Google.
Netflix stock is also plummeting.
Yep. Right now, if Netflix stock goes down any further,
they're going to have to change their name to Blockbuster.
It's true. It's true.
-Wow. -Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah, things have gotten so bad at Netflix,
they might add commercials by the end of the year.
[ Audience boos ] Smart idea.
All the content you're not watching, now with ads.
Meanwhile, today, President Biden
spoke about the economy, and he said that
addressing inflation is his top domestic priority.
Yep, Biden knew it was time to act when
milk and gas both hit $9 a gallon.
But while Biden was speaking about the economy,
he really tried to express to Americans
that he feels their pain when it comes to inflation,
although I'm not sure about his choice of words.
Well, watch this.
-Look, I know you've got to be frustrated.
I know.
I can taste it.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow!
-Americans heard and responded with a resounding "Ew!
That's..."
Well, listen to this.
Apple just announced that after more than 20 years,
they're discontinuing the iPod.
[ Audience "Awws" ] You know the iPod.
It's that thing you're using right now to level your desk?
Yeah.
Guys, some news from the sports world.
I saw that Tom Brady has agreed to become
an NFL analyst for Fox Sports after he's done playing.
Yeah, he's Tom Brady, though.
Why do I feel like he's going to be announcing
while he's still playing?
"I drop back.
I find Evans down the sideline, touchdown!
Crowd goes wild for me."
Get this -- apparently, Heinz is working on
creating the first-ever paper ketchup bottle.
Yeah, they saw how much people love paper straws and said,
"We want a piece of that action."
People loved it. People love it. Instant hit."
-Mmmm! -Yeah.
Did you guys hear about this new GE fridge recall?
It's not good. Check this out.
-We have a recall alert for a kitchen appliance
sold at Lowe's, Home Depot, and Best Buy.
Six GE refrigerator models are now being recalled.
The freezer handle can detach.
-Wait. What? I just bought a GE fridge.
-Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, Tariq.
-It's okay.
I have another fridge or freezer in the garage.
That's where I keep all my ground beef.
-[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
-"Oh" what?
-Roll the clip.
-You may want to check that ground beef
in your fridge or freezer.
More than 120,000 pounds of ground-beef products
are being recalled because there are concerns
they could be contaminated with E. coli.
-Wait, wait. E. coli? You got be to kidding me.
-Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Tariq.
-Man, I was going to make my favorite dinner tonight --
ground beef and green beans?
I guess I'll just have to make the beans.
-That sounds pretty good. -Yeah.
I got a 1-pound package of
Hippie Organic French Green Beans.
-The FDA is reporting a green-bean recall --
1-pound packages of
Hippie Organic French Green Beans.
-Come on! -I'm sorry, Tariq.
Look, I'm sure that you'll figure something out for dinner.
-Dude, whatever.
I'll just whip up something in my Insignia Air Fryer
I just got at Best Buy.
-Best Buy is recalling hundreds of thousands of
popular air fryers.
There have been more than 100 reports of
the Insignia Air Fryer
catching on fire, burning someone, or melting.
-Fine! I'll just eat beef jerky.
-Tariq, what are you -- what are you talking about?
-I bought nearly 5,000 pounds of
Tennessee Brown Bag Jerky last month.
-We are following a recall on nearly
5,000 pounds of beef jerky.
It is for Tennessee Brown Bag Jerky.
-I'm over it!
I'm just going to go home
and lie on my mattress without checking it.
-In today's recall alert,
you may want to check your mattress before lying on it.
-Oh. -That's it!
I'm so worked up that, honestly, I might explode, Jimmy!
It's a good thing I took my blood-pressure medication.
-Yeah, it is a good thing.
What kind are you taking? -Accupril from Pfizer.
It has just the right amount of nitrosamine.
I don't even have to call my doctor whenever I take it.
-If you take blood-pressure medicine,
it's better to call your doctor about this recall and check in.
Pfizer is recalling its Accupril blood-pressure medication
because of high levels of nitrosamine.
-God [bleep] damn it! That's it! [Bleep]
-Come on. Let's...
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm sorry. -Wow!
-Well, guys, this is going viral on TikTok.
Two stunt performers recently got married,
and their wedding exit was about what you'd expect.
Take a look at this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The fun part was no one told the priest they were doing that.
And this was nice.
There was a super-emotional photo of the moment
the groom first saw his bride covered in gasoline.
-Aww!
-Yep, the bride and groom were on fire,
and, yet, the chicken was still undercooked.
Yeah, there you go. Come on, yeah.
And, finally, guys, it's time to take a look at
the stories making headlines today
and weigh the good with the bad.
It's time for "Pros and Cons." Here we go.
-♪ Pros and cons and pros and cons and
pros ♪
-Nice to see you back, Tariq. I'm glad everything cooled down.
-Whatever.
-Guys, tonight, we'll be taking a look at
the pros and cons of sending nudes to space.
NASA's working on a mission to send nude photos of human beings
into space with hopes of attracting aliens.
-Oh.
-No one knows if this will actually work,
so let's take a look at the pros and cons of
sending nudes to space.
Here we go. Pro...
Con...
-Hey!
-Pro...
Con...
-Hey! -What is that thing?
What is that thing? Oh, man.
Pro...
Con...
Pro...
Con...
Pro...
Con...
Pro...
Con...
Pro...
Con...
And, finally, pro...
Con...
That's our "Pros and Cons," everybody.
We have a great show.