Welcome back again, students and staff.
Indeed, we were shut down for the past two weeks, and, as rumored,
it was because of a covid scare.
The additional week was the time that it took for me
to convince the janitorial staff to step inside of a room that just had a covid scare
and to clean it within our budget using watered down Windex and gardening gloves.
These are your morning announcements.
Teachers, please stop showing the movie "Outbreak" in class and claiming it is a documentary
in an effort to get the students to enroll in online learning.
Students and staff, in response to the lack of substitute teachers willing to work during this time
I have instituted something I like to call: Operation Home Alone.
If your teacher is out sick, students are to obey the Roomba
with the cardboard cutout of your instructor on it,
the same way that you would the physical teacher.
Effective immediately: All weight lifting classes have been cancelled.
Turns out, our school policy of squirting hand sanitizer gel on the lift bar between reps
was a recipe for disaster.
But on the bright side, at least the bar, when it fell on his face, was sanitized.
Reminder, we have a school field trip planned for tomorrow to a Recycling Plant,
where our Earth Science students will learn the benefits of keeping our environment clean.
Due to social distancing guidelines, the 83 diesel buses used to transport the 100 children will be leaving at 3.
Given that we have been in school for five days, we have run out of our district-allocated supplies.
The following replacements are effective immediately...
Students without masks will be given mousepads from the old computer lab.
For damaged desk shields I have designated the librarian
to lay down across the desks as a human shield.
Lastly, the soap in the bathroom has been replaced with a
ball of slime that I concocted using antiseptic mouthwash. Everyone should touch it.
Teachers, reminder: We must maintain distance from the students at ALL times.
Any fights in the courtyard I am urging our teachers NOT to step in to break up.
Both students will be suspended when one of the children chokes out the other,
if necessary a cannon will fire and we will project an image of the loser into the sky.
I have just been informed that someone stole a laptop from the computer lab. Unacceptable.
We have camera footage showing them and they were wearing...
Jeans, a Thrasher Hoodie, and a mask.
We have narrowed it down to 490 students and three teachers. We will find you!
Students, on a more serious note, snappchatting faculty with their mask down
let me reiterate is completely unacceptable.
Especially when you use the hashtag #TeachersExposingThemselvesToStudents
Do not do that! Do not do that!
Some teachers have expressed concern and asked why they are teaching online AND in the classroom
especially without extra pay,
And let me just go ahead and clear up any confusion by saying (rustling papers)
that we will....(papers rustling) try.... (papers rustling) in the future.....
and any....(papers rustling) and I hope that clears up all the confusion.
Relay any additional questions to the district.
That about does it for the morning ann....I'm sorry what?
Yeah.... ok... Turns out, we are shutting down, again, effective immediately.
I apparently forgot to clean out the pans I used to make the antiseptic slime
And the entire freshman class is violently vomiting.
See you in two weeks!