SPEAKING OF DONALD TRUMP, WE'VE BEEN TAKING-- WE'VE BEEN TALK
AGO WE'VE BEEN TAKING AND TALKING.
WE'VE BEEN TALKING ALL WEEK ABOUT HOUSE INTELLIGENCE
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN AND MAN WHO'S REALLY
HAPPY YOU MET SOMEBODY NEW, DEVIN NUNES.
HE'S LEADING THE ALLEGED INVESTIGATION INTO ALLEGED TIES
BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND RUSSIA, ALLEGEDLY.
BUT A LOT OF DEMOCRATS ARE DEMANDING THAT HE STEP DOWN
BECAUSE...
♪ HE SUCKS ♪ THE SPECIFIC SUCKING INVOLVES
NUNES' UNSUBSTANTIATED CLAIM THAT HE'S SEEN DOCUMENTS FROM A
SECRET SOURCE THAT HE MET AT THE WHITE HOUSE PROVING THAT TRUMP
AIDES WERE INCIDENTALLY CAUGHT UP IN GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE OF
FOREIGN AGENTS.
BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT RUSSIA, AND HE WON'T TELL ANYONE THE
SPECIFICS.
AND NOW NUNES VOWS HE WILL NEVER REVEAL HIS SOURCE, NOT EVEN TO
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE.
HE WANTS TO PUBLICLY ASSURE HIS SOURCE THAT HE'S NEVER GOING TO
GIVE HIM UP.
HE ACTUALLY MADE A PUBLIC STATEMENT ABOUT IT TODAY.
♪ NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: I AGREE WITH THE DEMOCRATS.
HE REALLY SHOULD RICK-CUSE HIMSELF.
THAT'S FUN.
THAT DANCE IS FUN.
>> Jon: YOU GOT A GOOD FEEL FOR IT.
>> Stephen: REALLY WORKS THIS PART.
NOW, IT'S NO SECRET WE'VE GOT OURSELVES AN UNCONVENTIONAL
PRESIDENT.
TODAY WE LEARNED THAT TRUMP IS VIOLATING ANOTHER NORM BECAUSE
HE "WON'T THROW OUT THE FIRST PITCH AT THE WASHINGTON
NATIONALS OPENING DAY."
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
MAYBE HE'S WORRIED HIS HANDS ARE TOO SMALL TO PALM A BASEBALL
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: HE'LL HAVE TO-- HE'LL HAVE TO CHEST PAZ IT.
HE'LL HAVE TO JUST-- LIKE THAT.
>> Jon: THE THUMB S.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALL THUMBS.
NOW THIS IS TRUE.
SINCE TAFT, EVERY PRESIDENT, OTHER THAN JIMMY CARTER, HAS
THROWN OUT THE FIRST PITCH OF THE SEASON OPENER.
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
THAT MEANS F.D.R. DID IT!
( LAUGHTER ) LET THAT SINK IN!
NOT ONLY DID F.D.R. BEAT HITLER IN WORLD WAR II.
HE ALSO STRUCK HIM OUT.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
THREE UP, THREE DOWN, MAN.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
PEOPLE-- I'M NOT SURPRISED.
PEOPLE APPLAUDING HITLER STRIKE OUT.
IT'S A GOOD FEELING.
AND I'M SURPRISED THAT TRUMP WON'T THROW OUT THE FIRST PITCH
BECAUSE HE'S CLEARLY A HUGE BASEBALL FAN.
♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME ♪ ♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWD ♪
>> Stephen: ARE WE SURE THAT'S NOT THE TAPE PUTIN IS
BLACKMAILING HIM WITH?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE-- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I
WOULD RATHER HAVE SOMEBODY PEE ON ME THAN HEAR THAT AGAIN.
SO, HERE WE GO.
HERE WE GO, AMERICA!
TRUMP WON'T THROW OUT THE FIRST PITCH.
WHAT ELSE?
HE WON'T GO TO THE CORREPSONDENTS' DINNER.
HE WON'T RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS.
HE WON'T PUT HIS BUSINESS IN A BLIND TRUST.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE IN D.C.
WHAT PRESIDENTIAL TRADITION WILL TRUMP ABANDON NEXT?
THIS THANKSGIVING, THOSE TURKEYS BETTER RUN.
"I HEREBY PARDON THESE-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M HUNGRY.
GET ME SOME HEDGE CLIPPERS.
COME HERE!
COME HERE!" NOW, THEY'RE CALLING IT A
SCHEDULING CONFLICT.
THAT'S WHY HE'S NOT GOING TO THROW THE PITCH OUT.
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.
THAT IS SOMEWHAT BELIEVABLE.
THE PRESIDENT DOES A LOT OF STUFF.
FOR INSTANCE, EARLIER TODAY, HE SPOKE AT A WOMEN'S EMPOWERMENT
FORUM.
IT WAS THE FIRST WOMEN'S EVENT HE'S ATTENDED SINCE SNEAKING
INTO THE DRESSING ROOM AT THE MISS USA PAGEANT.
"WHO WANTS TO BE EMPOWERED FIRST?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THE FIRST LADY WAS ALSO THERE-- LOVELY LADY.
THE FIRST LADY WAS ALSO THERE, PRESENTING AWARDS TO BRAVE
INTERNATIONAL WOMEN WHO'VE OVERCOME YEARS OF REPRESSION
AND SILENT SUFFERING.
HOW COULD SHE POSSIBLY RELATE TO THEM
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER, OF
COURSE, WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, SPEAKING TO WOMEN
ABOUT EMPOWERMENT.
LET'S LISTEN TO TRUMP'S REMARKS.
>> YOU KNOW, I'M AUTOMATICALLY ATTRACTED TO BEAUTIFUL-- I JUST
START KISSING THEM.
IT'S LIKE A MAGNET, JUST KISS.
I DON'T EVEN WAIT.
AND WHEN YOU'RE A STAR, THEY LET YOU DO IT, GRAB 'EM BY THE
PUSSY.
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE WRONG.
AUDIO, JIMMY!
COME ON!
WOW!
WOW, WHAT AN UNFORSEEN TECHNICAL BLUNDER THAT OUR EDITING
DEPARTMENT SPENT AN HOUR MAKING THIS AFTERNOON.
I AM SO, SO, SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
HERE IS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE ACTUAL FOOTAGE, THE
PRESIDENT PRAISING WOMEN'S UNIQUE CAPABILITIES.
>> TO BE HONEST, WHETHER YOU'RE A WOMAN OR WHETHER YOU'RE A MAN,
YOU HAVE THAT SAME DREAM.
YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO DREAM.
YOU JUST HAVE A BIG ADVANTAGE OVER US.
YOU KNOW WHY?
RIGHT THERE.
HEH-HEH.
>> Stephen: HEH-HEH.
YEAH, WOMEN ARE JUST SO MUCH SMARTER THAN MEN.
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE DIDN'T ELECT ONE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LUKE BRYAN AND DIERKS BENTLEY ARE HERE.
THEY'RE GOING TO PLAY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'M OVER THERE TALKING ABOUT ROBOTS AND
MONSTER TRUCKS.
STICK AROUND.