I HAVE A STORY TO TELL ABOUT
SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO OUR
FAMILY LAST WEEK.
I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW, I TRY NOT TO GET
EMOTIONAL, BUT IT WAS A SCARY
STORY.
AND BEFORE I GO INTO IT, I WANT
YOU TO KNOW IT HAS A HAPPY
ENDING.
OKAY?
SO WHEN I'M TELLING THIS, DON'T
GET TOO UPSET.
LEAVE THAT TO ME.
BUT A LITTLE OVER A WEEK AGO ON
FRIDAY, APRIL 21st, MY WIFE,
MOLLY, GAVE BIRTH TO A BOY.
A BABY BOY.
HIS NAME IS WILLIAM JOHN KIMMEL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE CALL HIM BILLY.
IT WAS AN EASY DELIVERY.
SIX PUSHES, HE WAS OUT.
AND HE APPEARED TO BE A NORMAL
HEALTHY BABY.
UNTIL ABOUT THREE HOURS AFTER HE
WAS BORN.
WE WERE OUT OF THE DELIVERY
ROOM.
WE MOVED TO THE RECOVERY ROOM.
OUR WHOLE FAMILY WAS THERE.
AND WE INTRODUCED HIM TO HIS
2 1/2-YEAR-OLD SISTER.
SHE WAS CUTE WITH HIM.
WE WERE HAPPY.
EVERYTHING WAS GOOD.
MY WIFE WAS IN BED RELAXING.
AND WHEN A VERY ATTENTIVE NURSE
AT CEDARS-SINAI HOSPITAL.
HER NAME IS NANUZH.
WAS CHECKING HIM OUT AND HEARD A
MURMUR IN HIS HEART, WHICH IS
COMMON WITH NEWBORN BABIES, BUT
SHE ALSO NOTICED HE WAS A BIT
PURPLE, WHICH IS NOT COMMON.
SO SHE ASKED ME TO COME WITH
HER.
AND MY WIFE AND I ASSUMED IT
WOULD BE NOTHING.
OUR DAUGHTER HAD A HEART MURMUR
TOO.
WE DIDN'T NOTICE THAT HE WASN'T
THE COLOR HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
SO I ACCOMPANIED BILLY AND THE
NURSE, WENT DOWN THE HALL TO
ANOTHER PART OF THE HOSPITAL.
THE NEONATAL ICU WHERE ANOTHER
EXCELLENT NURSE NAMED ANN
CHECKED HIM OUT AND CALLED THE
DOCTOR.
AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN IT FELT
SERIOUS.
AND THE ROOM STARTED TO FILL UP.
MORE DOCTORS AND NURSES AND
EQUIPMENT STARTED COMING IN.
AND THEY DETERMINED HE WASN'T
GETTING ENOUGH OXYGEN INTO HIS
BLOOD, WHICH AS FAR AS I
UNDERSTAND -- OR UNDERSTOOD AT
THE TIME WAS MOST LIKELY ONE OF
TWO THINGS, EITHER HIS HEART OR
HIS LUNGS.
AND YOU HOPE IT'S THE LUNGS
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY HAVE
FLUID IN THEM AFTER DELIVERY AND
IT'S POTENTIALLY A MINOR THING.
BUT THEY DID AN X-RAY AND HIS
LUNGS WERE FINE, WHICH MEANT HIS
HEART WASN'T.
SO NOW MORE DOCTORS AND NURSES
AND HE QUIT -- IT'S A TERRIFYING
THING.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE IS BACK IN THE
RECOVERY ROOM.
SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.
AND I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE
OF A LOT OF VERY WORRIED-LOOKING
PEOPLE KIND OF LIKE RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.
AND SO THEY CALL A PEDIATRIC
CARDIOLOGIST, DR. EBEN ZAHN, WHO
WHEN THEY CALLED HIM WAS PICKING
HIS MOTHER UP FROM THE AIRPORT.
LUCKILY, HER PLANE WAS NOT
DELAYED BECAUSE HE GOT TO THE
HOSPITAL VERY QUICKLY.
THEY DID AN ECHOCARDIOGRAM,
WHICH IS A SONOGRAM OF THE
HEART, AND FOUND THAT BILLY WAS
BORN WITH A HEART DISEASE.
SOMETHING CALLED TETRALOGY OF
FALLOT WITH PULMONARY ATRESIA.
IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.
BASICALLY THE PULMONARY VALVE
WAS COMPLETELY BLOCKED, AND HE
HAS A HOLE IN THE WALL BETWEEN
THE LEFT AND RIGHT SIDES OF HIS
HEART.
AND THEN THEY BROUGHT MY WIFE IN
AND THEY WHEELED HER IN AND DR.
ZAHN TOLD HER WHAT WAS GOING ON
AND WHAT OUR OPTIONS WERE, AND
WE DECIDED TO TAKE HIM TO
CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL, WHERE
THERE'S A WORLD-RENOWNED CARDIAC
SURGEON WHO IS BY ALL ACCOUNTS A
GENIUS.
HIS NAME IS DR. VAUGHN STARNES.
WE PUT THE BABY IN AN AMBULANCE
TO CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL LOS
ANGELES.
AND ON MONDAY MORNING DR.
STARNES OPENED HIS CHEST AND
FIXED ONE OF THE TWO DEFECTS IN
HIS HEART.
HE WENT IN THERE WITH A SCALPEL
AND DID SOME KIND OF MAGIC THAT
I COULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO
EXPLAIN.
HE OPENED THE VALVE, AND THE
OPERATION WAS A SUCCESS.
IT WAS THE LONGEST THREE HOURS
OF MY LIFE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THEY DIDN'T DO EVERYTHING.
HE'LL HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER OPEN
HEART SURGERY IN THREE TO SIX
MONTHS TO CLOSE THOSE HOLES.
BUT THEY WANT TO WAIT UNTIL HE'S
BIGGER, AND EVEN HE'LL HAVE A
THIRD HOPEFULLY NON-INVASIVE
PROCEDURE SOMETIME MAYBE IN HIS
EARLY TEENS TO REPLACE THE VALVE
HE HAS NOW.
SO THIS POOR KID, THIS IS WHAT
HE LOOKED LIKE ON MONDAY.
BUT THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE
YESTERDAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE BROUGHT HIM HOME.
POOR KID.
NOT ONLY DO YOU GET A BAD HEART,
HE GOT MY FACE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SIX DAYS AFTER OPEN HEART
SURGERY WE GOT TO BRING HIM
HOME, WHICH IS AMAZING.
HE'S DOING GREAT.
HE'S EATING.
HE'S SLEEPING.
HE PEED ON HIS MOTHER TODAY
WHILE SHE WAS CHANGING HIS
DIAPER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
HE'S DOING ALL THE THINGS THAT
HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO.
AND OUR DAUGHTER -- HERE'S A
PICTURE OF MY WIFE AND ME AND
BILLY AND OUR DAUGHTER JANE.
AND YOU CAN SEE JANE'S PRETTY
EXCITED ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER KID
IN THE HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
THEY TELL YOU WHEN YOU BRING THE
NEW BABY HOME BRING A GIFT FOR
THE OLDER SIBLING AND TELL HER
IT'S FROM THE BABY.
AS IF WE GAVE BIRTH TO THE
EASTER BUNNY OR SOMETHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT MAKES NO SENSE.
BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL YOU TO
DO.
SO WE BROUGHT JANE THESE
SHOPKINS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THESE ARE?
THEY'RE LIKE TINY LITTLE
CUPCAKES AND DONUTS WITH FACES
ON THEM.
AND WE SAID BILLY BOUGHT THESE
FOR YOU.
AND SHE BELIEVED IT.
SHE'S NOT TOO BRIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE
MONEY.
NOT ONLY --
[ LAUGHTER ]
DOESN'T HE HAVE MONEY.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A PLACE TO PUT
MONEY.
HE HAS NO WALLET.
HOW WOULD HE BUY THESE FOR HER?
AS FAR AS SHE KNOWS, THE BABY IS
SIGNED UP FOR AMAZON PRIME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT SHE LIKES HIM OKAY.
THIS IS ANOTHER PICTURE.
THIS IS THE BEST.
THERE'S ME IN A COMA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I HAVE A LIST OF PEOPLE I
WANT TO THANK FOR MAKING THAT
HAPPEN.
AND I HOPE I HAVE MY LIST.
THESE ARE JUST SOME OF THE
PEOPLE WHO PLAYED A PART IN
THIS.
IT WAS AN ENORMOUS TEAM EFFORT.
REALLY WAS.
AT CEDARS-SINAI HOSPITAL FIRST
OF ALL I WANT TO THANK NA
NANUSH SHAKERNIA, THE NURSE WHO
WAS THE FIRST TO NOTICE THERE
WAS A PROBLEM.
[ APPLAUSE ]
IF IT WAS A GIRL, WE WOULD HAVE
NAMED HER NANUSH.
WE REALLY WOULD HAVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THE OTHER NURSES AT CEDARS.
DESIREE, LAURIE, ASHLEY,
THERESA, SUSAN, ALEXIS.
THE HEAD NURSE IN INTENSIVE CARE
ANN DE MAYO, WHO'S GREAT.
NURSE JOAN BACALL, WHO WAS AT
HIS SIDE THE WHOLE TIME.
DR. EBEN ZAHN.
AND ALSO HIS MOTHER, WHO
PROBABLY DIDN'T GET HER LUGGAGE
BECAUSE HE PICKED HER UP AT THE
AIRPORT.
DR. SCOTT COHEN, DR. STACY
ROSENBAUM, DR. TIM CASARES.
ALL FOR BEING SO GREAT.
AND THE TRULY AWE-INSPIRING TEAM
AT CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL LOS
ANGELES LED BY DR. VAUGHN
STARNES, WHO SAVES SO MANY
LIVES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS MAN HAS SAVED THOUSANDS OF
LIVES AND TURNED SO MUCH SORROW
INTO HAPPINESS.
I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO THANK HIM
FOR -- SO I WON'T EVEN TRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND ALL THE GREAT DOCTORS AT
CHLA.
DR. SYLVIA DEL CASTILLO.
DR. ERIN ABARBANEL.
BARBARA GROSS WHO RUNS THE HEART
INSTITUTE.
AND OUR UNBELIEVABLY KIND AND
CARING NURSES, ESPECIALLY KRISTA
CALLAN AND CARRIE DUBLIN.
BUT THEY WERE ALL SO EXCELLENT.
ELLESE, JOSIE, RHEA.
DR. DONALD SEABACK, OUR
RESPIRATORY THERAPIST WHO KEPT
BILLY BREATHING THE WHOLE TIME.
THIS IS SOME PLACE CHILDREN'S
HOSPITAL LOS ANGELES.
I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO
THERE, BUT IF YOU DO YOU'LL SEE
SO MANY KIDS FROM SO MANY
FINANCIAL BACKGROUNDS BEING
CARED FOR SO WELL AND WITH SO
MUCH COMPASSION.
I'VE BEEN SUPPORTING CHILDREN'S
HOSPITAL FOR YEARS.
I HAD NO IDEA WE'D EVER WIND UP
THERE.
AND IF YOU'D LIKE TO SUPPORT THE
WORK THEY DO, THE INFORMATION IS
THERE AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR
SCREEN.
PLEASE DO.
WE WERE ON THE COSTCO FLOOR,
WHICH I CONSIDER TO BE A GOOD
OMEN BECAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE
STORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND THAT'S -- COSTCO SPONSORS
THE SECOND FLOOR, WHICH IS
GREAT.
AND THANKS TO ALL THE COMPANIES
WHO SUPPORT CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL,
INCLUDING MY COMPANY, DISNEY
ABC, WHICH SUPPORTS THEM
FINANCIALLY.
I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE HERE AT
ABC WHO WERE EXCEPTIONALLY KIND
AND PATIENT WITH ME, LETTING ME
STAY OUT OF WORK LAST WEEK.
BEN SHERWOOD, CHANNING DUNGY.
ROD MILLS.
CARA KENNEDY, BOB AND WILLOW
IGER.
ESPECIALLY THANKS TO EVERYONE
HERE AT THE SHOW.
ALL MY CO-WORKERS WHO SENT A BOX
OF CARDS.
THAT MEANT A LOT TO MY WIFE.
I DIDN'T READ THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THEY MEANT A LOT TO HER.
THANKS TO MY WORK -- I WANT TO
THANK MY WORK FAMILY AND MY
ACTUAL FAMILY, STARTING WITH MY
COUSIN DR. DENISE HAYES, WHO
HAPPENS TO BE A PEDIATRIC
CARDIOLOGIST IN NEW YORK.
THERE'S ONE SMART PERSON IN OUR
FAMILY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE COUNSELED US.
SHE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING TO
EVERYONE IN OUR FAMILY OVER AND
OVER AGAIN SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
THANK YOU, DENISE.
AND SPECIAL EXTRA THANKS TO MY
MOM AND DAD AND MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
MICKEY.
MY KIDS, DANNY AND KEN, MY
COUSINS, MY SISTER, MY BROTHER,
MY SISTERS-IN-LAW, MY
BROTHERS-IN-LAW.
THEY ALL REALLY CAME THROUGH IN
SO MANY WAYS, AS DID MY FRIENDS.
EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS WERE
THERE 100% OF THE TIME FOR US.
WE HAD ATHEISTS PRAYING FOR US.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY?
WE HAD PEOPLE WHO DID NOT
BELIEVE IN GOD --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
-- PRAYING TO HIM.
AND I HATE BEING -- I HATE
HAVING TO SAY IT.
EVEN THAT SON OF A BITCH MATT
DAMON SENT FLOWERS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO THANK YOU.
I WANT TO SAY ALSO THANKS TO
GUILLERMO FOR ALL THE SWEET
TEXTS AND E-MAILS.
I COULD BARELY READ ANY OF THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IT WAS THE THOUGHT THAT
REALLY COUNTED.
AND CLETO, I HAVE TO SAY CLETO,
CLETO SR.
CLETO'S MOM SYLVIA, CLETO SR.'S
WIFE SYLVIA WHO'S LIKE A SECOND
MOTHER TO ME NEVER HAS ANY HUMAN
BEING EVER TEXTED MORE PRAYING
HANDS EMOJIS TO ANOTHER HUMAN
BEING THAN CLETO'S MOM DID TO
ME.
I HAD TO UPGRADE MY PHONE JUST
TO HANDLE THEM ALL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO THANK YOU, SYLVIA.
AND MOST OF ALL I WANT TO THANK
MY WIFE, MOLLY.
FIRST OF ALL FOR ALLOWING ME TO
HAVE SEX WITH HER IN THE FIRST
PLACE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT WAS HUGE RIGHT THERE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
SO FEW HAVE DONE THAT.
BUT ALSO FOR BEING SO STRONG AND
LEVELHEADED AND POSITIVE AND
LOVING DURING THE WORST
NIGHTMARE A NEW MOTHER COULD
EXPERIENCE.
I COULDN'T ASK FOR A BETTER
PARTNER.
I'M SO HAPPY WE HAD THIS BABY
TOGETHER.
I'M DEFINITELY GETTING A
VASECTOMY AFTER THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WANT TO SAY ONE OTHER
THING.
PRESIDENT TRUMP LAST MONTH
PROPOSED A $6 BILLION CUT IN
FUNDING TO THE NATIONAL
INSTITUTE OF HEALTH.
AND THANK GOD OUR CONGRESSMEN
MADE A DEAL LAST NIGHT TO NOT GO
ALONG WITH THAT.
THEY ACTUALLY INCREASED FUNDING
BY $2 BILLION.
AND I APPLAUD THEM FOR DOING
THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BECAUSE MORE THAN 40% OF THE
PEOPLE WHO'D HAVE BEEN AFFECTED
BY THOSE CUTS IN THE NATIONAL
INSTITUTES OF HEALTH ARE
CHILDREN, AND IT WOULD HAVE A
MAJOR IMPACT ON A LOT OF GREAT
PLACES INCLUDING CHILDREN'S
HOSPITAL IN LOS ANGELES, WHICH
IS SO UNBELIEVABLY SAD TO ME.
WE WERE BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE
THAT WE LIVE IN THE GREATEST
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, BUT UNTIL
A FEW YEARS AGO MILLIONS AND
MILLIONS OF US HAD NO ACCESS TO
HEALTH INSURANCE AT ALL.
YOU KNOW, BEFORE 2014 IF YOU
WERE BORN WITH CONGENITAL HEART
DISEASE LIKE MY SON WAS, THERE
WAS A GOOD CHANCE YOU'D NEVER BE
ABLE TO GET HEALTH INSURANCE
BECAUSE YOU HAD A PRE-EXISTING
CONDITION.
YOU WERE BORN WITH A
PRE-EXISTING CONDITION.
AND IF YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T HAVE
MEDICAL INSURANCE YOU MIGHT NOT
LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO EVEN GET
DENIED BECAUSE OF A PRE-EXISTING
CONDITION.
IF YOUR BABY IS GOING TO DIE AND
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO, IT SHOULDN'T
MATTER HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE.
I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING THAT
WHETHER YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN OR A
DEMOCRAT OR SOMETHING ELSE, WE
ALL AGREE ON THAT, RIGHT?
I MEAN, WE DO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHATEVER YOUR PARTY, WHATEVER
YOU BELIEVE, WHOEVER YOU
SUPPORT, WE NEED TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED
TO REPRESENT US, PEOPLE WHO ARE
MEETING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW IN
WASHINGTON, UNDERSTAND THAT VERY
CLEARLY.
LET'S STOP WITH THE NONSENSE.
THIS ISN'T FOOTBALL.
THERE ARE NO TEAMS.
WE ARE THE TEAM.
IT'S THE UNITED STATES.
DON'T LET THEIR PARTISAN
SQUABBLES DIVIDE US ON SOMETHING
EVERY DECENT PERSON WANTS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF EACH
OTHER.
I SAW A LOT OF FAMILIES THERE.
AND NO PARENT SHOULD EVER HAVE
TO DECIDE IF THEY CAN AFFORD TO
SAVE THEIR CHILD'S LIFE.
IT JUST SHOULDN'T HAPPEN.
NOT HERE.
SO ANYWAY.
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING.
I PROMISE I'M NOT GOING TO CRY
FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR OR SEND
POSITIVE THOUGHTS TO THE
FAMILIES WITH CHILDREN WHO ARE
STILL IN THE HOSPITAL NOW.
BECAUSE THEY NEED IT.
AND THANKS.
WE HAVE A SPECIAL SHOW TONIGHT.