Illegal immigration.
It's how I got to The Daily Show,
and it's the problem
President Trump can't seem to solve.
For the last three years, he's been trying everything
to curb illegal immigration.
I mean, threatening a wall, putting kids in cages
and, probably the most inhumane,
lining the border with movie spoilers.
You know, it's discouraged so many people.
"Papa, will we try to get to America today?"
"Not yet, Pedrito. I haven't seen the new Avengers."
So, because illegal immigration is still going up,
Trump's latest idea is to impose tariffs,
increasing tariffs on Mexico
until they stop allowing migrants into America.
But Republicans in the Senate are saying
that Trump is muy loco.
President Trump is facing some serious opposition
from his own party over his plans
to impose new tariffs on Mexico.
Well, there is not much support
in my conference for tariffs, that's for sure.
Look, I think it's safe to say
you've talked to all of our members.
We're not fans of tariffs.
We're still hoping that this can be avoided.
Ted Cruz, he says the president
is playing a game of chicken with Mexico,
and he says there's no reason
for his constituents back in Texas
to pay the price for a massive new tax.
That's right, even Republicans don't think
Trump should be playing chicken with Mexico.
Although, I'm pretty sure that he would win.
I mean, you have seen what that guy can do to chicken?
Have you seen?
But yes, President Trump has threatened
a trade war with Mexico,
which would increase the price of everything.
Electronics, beer and food in America.
And now tensions are running so high
that Trump has sent Mike Pence to negotiate with Mexico. Yeah.
Which, I'll be honest, I think is genius
because Mike Pence isn't worried
about America losing Mexican food.
He's never had it. I mean...
Yeah, this guy is so bland, when he eats a meal,
he's like, "Mother, this is so spicy.
Did you add mayonnaise?"
(laughter)
All right, moving on to some other news
coming out of Boston.
Uh, Pride Month is a joyful time for the LGBTQ people
and really anyone who's not an asshole.
But if, uh, if are you an asshole,
well, there's good news for you, too.
NEWSWOMAN: USA Today says a small group of men
sparked outrage in Boston by announcing plans
to hold a Straight Pride Parade in August.
The group called Super Happy Fun America
says it advocates on behalf of the straight community.
It released a proposed parade route
that mirrors the path
of this weekend's LGBTQ Pride Parade.
Hell, yeah!
Finally, someone standing up for straight people.
(whoops)
Yeah. I fully support this movement.
If straight men want to grill steaks
while wearing cargo shorts
talking about how much they loved watching Scarface,
no one should try to stop them.
And yeah, no one's trying to stop them,
but that's not the point.
The point is straight people deserve a parade
because they've been oppressed for too long.
You guys realize that straight marriage
has only been legal for, like, 4,000 years?
Huh? Huh?
You realize straight people are the only group
that don't get their own slur? Huh?
Why do you think that is? Huh?
Straight Pride Parade.
Get the (bleep) out of here, man.
-(laughter) -It's...
(cheering and applause)
Like...
It's so...
It's so trolly.
Right? Especially a Straight Pride Parade in Boston.
The city has had six Super Bowl parades.
What do you think that is?
And finally, moving on to news that's blowing up online,
the next time you wish that you could call a helicopter
to take you to the hospital, you may want to think again.
A mountain rescue in Arizona nearly spun out of control.
Chopper crews were hoisting a 74-year-old woman to safety
when that red basket you see carrying her began spinning.
That lasted for about 40 seconds.
Rescuers say she is okay
other than suffering some dizziness and nausea,
but they say this problem is pretty rare.
(laughter)
Holy shit.
I'm genuinely so happy that la-lady is okay because...
Like, I... like, I watched that video,
and still when I watch it now, it looks horrifying.
The worst part is when she landed,
they made her pin the tail on the donkey.
(laughter)
Like, seriously, though, if that were me,
I would be throwing up for the rest of my life. Yeah.
The ride home from the hospital would be like... (retches)
The next week at the supermarket. (retches)
20 years later,
I'd be walking my daughter down the aisle.
She'd be like, "Daddy, this is the best day of my..."
(retches)
And what sucks even more
is that knowing America's health care system,
I wouldn't be shocked if next month
she gets a hospital bill,
and it's $1,000 for the helicopter ride
and, like, $200,000 for the spins. Yeah.
She'll be like, "Why is... Why am I paying for this?"
They'll be like, "Well, actually, it's a dollar
"for each spin, but you had a lot of them.
You saw how many you got."
So, yeah, that was, uh, obviously quite an ordeal.
The good news is, though, she got to the hospital,
and she got the treatment that she needed,
which was being spin around a thousand times
in the opposite direction.