Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you the one big paradox that you need to be aware of when
you're trying to rebuild your relationship from the ground up.
And I really want you to stick around until the very end of this video,
because this one paradox is something that very few people talk about,
but it's the biggest thing.
That's keeping people so stuck in that cycle of bad relationships and why they
can't break through and fix that relationship.
This has been one of the most important realizations for me,
and I think the most important realization that a lot of my students have as
well.
And in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men and longterm relationships or in marriages
with the right skills and with the right knowledge,
to be able to design a thriving relationship for themselves.
So if you want more videos on this,
then subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well.
To be notified when I post new videos three times every single week,
not really quickly before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my master class on
the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you want in on that masterclass,
be sure to stick around until the end of this video for the announcement on
that. So to understand what this one big paradox is,
you need to understand what most people's approach looks like when they're
trying to fix their relationship. So most people,
the first thing they do is they try to directly fix the relationship.
And so they ask the questions like, what should I say?
What should I do to get my partner back to re reconcile this relationship to
open my partner up, they ask questions like,
should I text her or should I call her, you know, give me the script space.
And it gives me what to do next, what to say next.
And I want to tell you that this never ever works.
And the biggest reason why this doesn't work, it only appeals to their logic.
So you can say something in the most brilliant ways possible.
You can have the perfect script, but in the end,
whatever logical things you say will and can be misinterpreted in a
bad way, and it might have the opposite effect on the emotions. Then you think,
for example, you can say to her, you know what? I love you.
And I care about you.
And somehow your partner could twist that and bend that she could interpret it
as you're just trying to be tricky. You're just trying to be manipulative.
You're just trying to say whatever you need to say to get me back,
but even saying, I love you and I care about you. It can be,
can create really bad emotion. So again, logically,
you're trying to say one thing,
but emotionally is being interpreted as another thing. And not only that,
not only is it appealing to the wrong side of the brain here,
the second reason it doesn't work is that the,
what without the Y can become quite dangerous.
So if you look at every interaction you have with your partner,
there's a lot of back and forth.
And if you look at how many permutations you have within one exchange itself
and multiply that by the many, many exchanges you have with your partner,
you have to understand that there are so many permutations of things you can
say, things you can do. And each of them are going to be very, very unique.
And so if you're relying on scripts,
if you're asking someone to tell you what you should say, what you should do,
that's a dangerous proposition because your scripts,
whatever scripts you get can only work for 0.01% of
the instances, even less maybe. And so 99.999, nine,
9% of the time, the scripts will not really work. And why this is dangerous too,
is that it, if you're relying on scripts,
you can use no longer respond in a reflexive way in your relationship, right?
So a lot of us can plan what to say, what to do before the moment happens.
But when it comes to the heat of the moment events, that's when we often fail.
So I'm sure many of you have felt this before, where, you know, you know,
you need to stay calm.
You know what the right things to say are you knew what the right things to do
are, but when you're faced with that pressure,
when you're being pushed to a corner that you suddenly forget everything,
you know, and you start to do all the wrong things,
you start to say all the wrong things. Now, after the fact,
you might think back to it and go, man, I should've known better, but again,
you're always stuck in a cycle of knowing what to do,
but in the heat of the moment, relapsing back to your old ways. Why?
Because again, you're relying on scripts. And if you're relying on scripts,
when it comes to the heat of the moment, things,
there's no way you can think up of all the scripts. You know,
if you haven't really made the changes a part of yourself,
then you will never going to do the right things in the heat of the moment.
And another reason why the what without the,
why it can be dangerous is that you might do things that are actually quite
inappropriate to that particular circumstance. What do I mean by this?
So for example, a lot of coaches talk about this idea of no contact.
And if you've been following me for a while,
you will understand that for me personally,
if you're in a longterm relationship, doing no contact may not be the best idea.
In fact, it could be a terrible idea, in fact. And so a lot of people,
because they understand the what without the why of something,
they practice no contact after a 10 year marriage.
And they realize there's no contact. It doesn't work well because you're,
misapplying the what, because you don't understand the why again,
or another few things that people do is that they use sex or intimacy as a way
to distract from the problems. They say, things like, you know, sex trumps all.
So as long as they give your partner, mind blowing sex,
that it will fix all the problems. If your relationship is stale,
then go into this really fun dates, really great dates and everything we find.
Again, again, you might know what,
but if you don't understand the why behind the, what,
you're going to practice all this stuff right in inappropriate settings in
inappropriate times, times, and it won't work anymore.
And the last thing of why it's dangerous,
if you do the what without the why is that you can't be consistent about it and
understand that your partner right now is watching you like a Hawk.
If your relationship isn't a dumpster, your partner is watching it like a Hawk.
And she's looking for the signs of why she shouldn't trust you.
Why things will not change, why things will be the same.
And so you could do 50 things, correct. A hundred things, correct. But again,
it's that one thing you do wrong. That's going to bite you in the ass,
the hardest, and the one thing you do wrong,
we'll just show her basically that you are doing all this stuff.
All the changes you're making are simply to get her to come back.
Are you only going to show her that you're only interested in making the quick
fixes, the short term fixes, but again,
what she's looking for is not the changes that takes days or weeks is the
changes have taken months or years that you can sustain for a long period of
time.
It will show her that you would not interested in making the genuine and deep
changes in yourself.
So understand here that the more you try to directly fix their relationship and
relying on these scripts on the quick things to do quick things, to say,
the more you will tend to push away your partner.
And even if you think you did everything correctly, you know,
you watch every single YouTube video and you practice those YouTube videos to
the T you know,
the very fact that you've claimed to make these changes that quickly,
the fact that you may be subconsciously not being consistent with the changes
you're making. Because again, you're relying on script. You're,
misapplying the what, because you don't understand the why.
And the fact that you may be saying all the right things and doing all the right
things, but behind the mask, she can see your old self,
the fact that she can see all these things,
and you might be saying all the right things here will show her that you are not
ready and that will push her away even more.
So the tactics and scripts don't really work. What actually works, you know,
the tactics, aren't great,
but the tactics need to be backed up by what I call first principles.
And so to understand first principles,
I want to contrast this to how a lot of people in this world think.
And a lot of people in this world think by what is called,
reference-based thinking.
So this is when people look at what are most people doing in this world?
And I'll just follow that.
And so what a lot of people do when they're trying to fix their relationship is
that they watch a bunch of YouTube videos. They read a bunch of books,
they go to therapy.
Maybe they ask a bunch of their friends and they get all this advice from all
these different sources.
And what's worse is that they can't really tell the good ideas,
the good advice from the bad, bad advice. So because they have this,
reference-based thinking where it, and what if other people do it,
I'll do it too. They try a bunch of things to fix their relationship,
but then they realize that most of the things that people propose doesn't
actually work for their particular circumstance.
So they get upset then and give up.
But what you need to understand here is that if you follow the advice of most
people, then by definition, you will only get average results.
But when it comes to relationships,
you have to understand that the average results here is that of divorce.
Because right now, 50% of marriages end in divorce.
And that's not to say the other 50% who are not divorced are that happy either.
So I want to contrast this reference based thinking to how successful people and
couples think, which is first principles thinking.
And first principles thinking is not relying on what other people are saying,
or just relying on your ability to break things down to its fundamental truths
and making decisions on that. And a great example of this is a,
what Elon mustard with Tesla. So when Tesla started,
there were a few electric cars and, you know,
most electric car companies buying their,
their batteries from one particular source. And just for an example here,
let's say the batteries costs $200 per kilowatt hour.
And so if you're relying on, reference-based thinking there,
you will basically ask around and say, Hey, what is the cheapest battery?
You can get, Oh, 200 per kilowatt hour. Great. Let me buy that.
But Elon Musk thought differently.
He broke things down to its fundamental choose and say,
how much do the materials should cost? How much does manufacturing?
This thing actually costs how much does running this thing actually cost.
And he realized that you can make the same battery at $30 per
kilowatt hour. And so that's thinking via first principles,
and it's a completely different way of thinking than what most people think,
but that's what leads you to success.
And so if you follow first principles here,
what you do is not going to be swayed by what other people say,
what other people think,
but your decisions will be driven by an inner conviction here of what is
right. And the fundamental truth of what is right. So not based on opinion,
but based on truths. And first principle thinking has four major,
major benefits. One is that allows you to improvise. So again,
back to the example we gave about,
you have this infinite number of possibilities of scenarios you need to face in
your relationship. If you understand the first principles of emotional safety,
for example of emotional bond of admiration,
then you can understand how to improvise your actions and improvise your way
into creating safety, into creating admiration.
No matter what circumstance you're in,
it allows you to feel more confident and certain about your decisions.
Because again, your,
your decisions here are not based on what people are saying,
but based on the fundamental truth.
And once you break it down to a fundamental truth,
you will see that there's really no way that what you're doing here can be
wrong. Because if the ingredients, the fundamental truth are correct,
the assumptions are correct. Then your actions will be correct as well.
And it leads to better and more artful decisions. Because again,
you're boiling things down to his fundamental truth.
You're not relying on what the average people say. And so by definition,
this is how you get decisions and,
and results that are much better than the average results.
And the fourth benefit here is that it makes it very easy for you to understand
what is good advice versus what is bad advice. And a lot of our students,
for example, they will cook understand which YouTube videos for example,
are spelling, BS, and wish YouTube videos are spelling,
actual wisdom, actually good advice. So tactics are great again,
but beneath the tactics, you need to be backed up by the first principles.
You need to understand the why behind the what.
And once you have this first principles backing up the tactics,
then you can improvise. It can be more confident.
And all these things that we talk about about that are really great about first
principles.
Then it doesn't end there because the first principles here also needs to be
backed up by the internal shifts.
And if I look at why most people fail in rebuilding,
the relationship is because they haven't made the right internal shifts first.
So for example, you might understand the principles.
You might understand the tactics because of it.
You might understand the right things to do, but again,
you might try to do things for a few days, maybe a few weeks,
but because you are using your willpower to accomplish these things
and you haven't made the internal shifts,
so that doing the right things become second nature to you.
You might do it for a couple of days, couple of weeks,
but you cannot sustain it for very long.
And so if you don't have the internal shifts here,
what happens is that you might be able to do the right things and understand
what to do when you plan the scenario.
But when it comes to the moment where you're pushed to a corner,
the most difficult moments, when things are heated, you can try all,
you want to stay calm, but this will all break down in the heated moment again,
because you haven't made the right internal shift. So reflexively,
you're still reflexively using your old self,
using your old approach to tackle the same problem.
And that's just the definition of insanity right there.
So what you need to do here is, you know,
there's tactics up top then beneath that there is the first principles,
but beneath first principles,
you need to also back that up with the internal shifts in yourself.
This means that you need to change the perception of yourself and change your
perception of what the successful you looks like.
You need to change how you perceive your partner and you need to change their
way.
You perceive a successful relationship and all these changes that perception
needs to be done on a very internal,
deep level where it becomes something that you reflexively think.
And it becomes just a part of who you are. So again,
when you're trying to fix your relationship or rebuild your relationship here,
the biggest mistake you can make is actually thinking about the tactics first.
And if you're thinking about tactics first,
you might actually push away your partner even further,
because you are going to show her that you're just being manipulative here,
that you don't understand the root core problem that you need to fix.
So instead of directly trying to fix your relationship,
you need to try the indirect ways of doing so.
And the indirect ways of doing so is by focusing on the internal mindset shifts
first. And then once you master the internal mindset shifts,
you are understanding the first principles, which is the why behind the what,
and only then do you actually focus on tech tactics and focus on how do I
directly fix a relationship?
So there's this two indirect ways of the first principles and also the internal
shifts that a lot of people miss and the reason why a lot of people can't really
make the massive changes to actually fix that relationship for the long haul.
So again, this is the paradox of fixing relationships,
is that the more you try to directly fix it in a short term,
the more you actually push away your partner and the more you indirectly try to
fix it, then the more likelihood, the higher,
the likelihood that you will actually fix that relationship.
There are so many more levels to this that I can't just discuss in this one
YouTube video.
And there's so many first principles and so many internal shifts that you really
need to master here.
So if you're looking for ways to learn these skills faster and more effectively
as well,
then you want to join me in my free master class on the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up and in this masterclass,
I'll show you the exact process that I show all my students that takes them from
the state of being a brink of divorce,
to a state where their relationship can thrive and thrive for the long haul as,
and this masterclass,
I'll also show you some key mindset shifts that you can make to allow you to
more easily execute on the tactics and the right things to do, um,
more effectively. So if this master class sounds interesting to you,
then I want you to click the link above my head,
or also down in the comments below,
or the description box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a free guide that allows you to lead the conversations
in your relationship in a much healthier way, in a much better way, you know,
the conversations that never leads to an argument, for example,
and never escalates into anything bad,
then you also want to download my free guide above my head,
or also down in the comments below or in the description box below this video as
well.
And if you're looking for a community of people where you can ask your questions
and actually get good advice about those questions,
or if you want to just get support in a difficult time that you are experiencing
right now, then you also want to join me in my Facebook group.
And the way you joined that Facebook group is by clicking the link down below
this video as well. So in the meantime, let me know in the comments below,
what did you find most insightful, most eyeopening in this video,
I'd love to hear thoughts.
And if you liked this video and found it to be valuable, give it a like,
and subscribe to this channel for more content like this one in the meantime,
I will leave you with this two other videos here on more skills and more
knowledge for you to thrive in your relationship. In the meantime,
I will see you in the next video.