-What's happening, everybody? How you doing?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. This can't be zipped.
So FYI. [ Laughter ]
I don't care if you offer me $5 million,
I'd have to politely decline.
News is crazy. Protests every week, riots.
We used to have riots every 30 years.
Now they have riots every week.
I feel bad for everybody in a riot,
but I really feel bad for the fat riot cop.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause you know he was just home, chillin'.
The phone rang, "There's a riot!
Get your riot gear on!
Be downtown in 20 minutes!"
And he's like, "I haven't worn that stuff in nine years."
[ Laughter ] "Honey, I'm getting fired.
I wore it for Halloween three years a--
Do we still have it? It's not gonna fit."
And she's like, "You never know. Just try it on!
You never -- You're doing so good.
I can see it right here."
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "Are you looking at me?
Look at me from the side."
[ Laughter ]
"We know it's not gonna fit."
"Be positive!"
"Honey, I just hate a whole pizza.
Hot dogs were in the crust."
[ Laughter ]
"I was dipping that in the queso dip behind your back.
We know."
But she still gets him to show up with the riot,
the helmet just on top of his head.
[ Laughter and applause ]
The visor's -- Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The visor's all fogged up.
The vest isn't covering any vital organs, just his boobs.
If he gets the boob shot, he lives.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, you never even saw the fat riot cop before.
You'll never not see him now.
Every riot, you're gonna be like, "Where is he?
There he is right there, look.
He looks like the float in a Macy's day parade.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I think it's 'cause I'm getting older.
I'm getting older, and, uh... I don't like my friends.
I think the older you get -- It's true.
The older you get, the smaller your group gets.
Have you noticed that? In your 20s, groups are huge.
"Let's all go together!
All 78 of us. Friends for life!"
[ Laughter ]
The older you get, you're like, "Are they going?
'Cause if they're going, I'm not going, 'cause...
[ Laughter ] Yeah, I hate his wife's face."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I think 'cause when you're in your 20s, time doesn't matter.
Time, you know, it's like,
you know, "We're gonna live forever!
Friends for life!
My hair is always gonna be here!"
[ Light laughter ]
I have 30 summers left. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. That's a real number.
I don't have time for crappy people in my life.
I've dumped my friends.
I have one friend, I can't stand him.
He's Italian, not even full-blooded,
till we go to an Italian restaurant,
and all of a sudden, he's off the boat from Sicily.
[ Laughter ]
It's like, "What you are gonna get?"
"I don't know. I'm thinking of getting the pasta fagioli."
[ Light laughter ]
Who are you? What's your name?
The waiter doesn't -- He's from Mexico.
He doesn't understand a word you're saying,
[ Laughter ] I --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I have another friend -- Oh, I can't stand him.
He loves telling stories. You have that friend?
"Dude, I got a story." "Great."
And his stories stink. They just stink.
And they're boring, but he thinks they're awesome,
'cause in the story, he always says, "True story,"
like you're not believing it.
And you are, 'cause they're just boring stories.
I'm like, "Stop saying 'true story.'
You're not a Navy S.E.A.L."
Navy S.E.A.L.s can say, "True story."
Their stories are epic.
Their stories are like, "Dude, I killed five guys with a nickel."
"Wh-a-at?" "True story!"
Yeah! Thp! Thp! [ Imitating choking ]
"This is the nickel."
[ Laughter ]
His stories stinks.
He's like, "Dude, I just went to Aruba.
I got a story for you."
I'm like, "Oh, this should suck."
[ Laughter ]
He goes, "Me and my wife, on the beach, water's edge,
sun setting. We look out at the ocean.
At the last second, dolphin came up out of the water."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"True story."
"Yeah, yeah, I, uh -- I believe it.
It's the ocean. That's their home."
[ Laughter ]
"That's where dolphins do that kind of stuff.
Did it happen in the parking lot?
Did it come out of asphalt from under a Honda Civic
and murder an old lady on a lark?
That's nuts. I wouldn't believe that."
[ Laughter ]
If you say, "True story," the story should epic.
The person's eyebrows should be like, "Wh-a-a-at?!"
True stories should be nuts.
Like, "Dude, check this out. A month ago, I was on my couch,
I looked over, my dog's bunghole opened up."
[ Laughter ]
"I heard angels go..." [ Vocalizing ]
"A pearl fell out."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"My wife walked in, went, "I was looking for that,"
picked it up, put it on her ear, left, haven't seen her since.
True story. True story."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you so much. Thank you!
♪♪
How you doing, my friend? -Thanks a lot.
-Robert Kelly!
[ Cheers and applause ] That is how you do it!
For more info on Robert, go to robertkellylive.com.