Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you how you can rebuild your trust in your relationship,
especially after there's been some compulsive lying or cheating between the two
of you. And I really want you to stick around until the end of the video,
because this topic is going to be very massive.
And what I'm going to show you here is the path that will go beyond what other
coaches, whether videos are talking about about this topic.
And this path has really given a lot of clarity to all my students who are
facing the same problem.
And if there's given a lot of clarity into the path of how you rebuild that
relationship for them, I'm sure it'll help for you as well.
No. Now.
In case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or in marriages with
the right skills and with the right mindsets to be able to design a thriving
relationship for themselves.
So if you want more videos or more content on this topic,
then be sure to subscribe to this channel and click the belly button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos three times every single week.
Now the first thing you need to know about a rebuilding trust is that this is a
very emotional game, none of a logical game.
And the reason I say that is that the biggest mistake I see people make is
making this into a logical game. So for example,
they might try to use some logical appeals here. You know, for example,
they might make some promises to their partner of, I won't do this again,
or this won't happen again. Or they might even back up this,
this promises with more justifications on the backend to add more
logical weight, to whatever they're saying.
Or sometimes they might even spend time, you know,
trying to logically justify or make excuses of why they did the things they
did. For example,
they might say I lied because I didn't feel safe enough to actually tell you
what was going on in the relationship or what I truly felt.
I cheated because I really wasn't feeling good or satisfied about the
relationship. So again,
they're using this logical appeals to tell their partner, Hey,
there were some reasons to what I did.
And I hope logically you understand those reasons why?
And the funny thing is that when you're trying to make this logical appeals or
you're trying to make this excuses,
we often get pretty upset when our partner doesn't really buy our
logical appeals or doesn't really believe our excuses doesn't really want to
listen to it. And our anger here,
the way we were upset can be in a very active form where we are maybe
responding in anger,
or it can mean a passive form of where we might be walking away, stonewalling,
shutting down ourselves and saying, you know what,
what's the point of even talking to you if we can't even resolve this,
but I want to show you here.
Why the logical appeals here normally does not work,
but it can be dangerous as well. So the first thing here is understanding again,
that trust is a very emotional thing. And at the end of the day,
it needs to be your partner's decision to want to trust you.
And it must be their emotional decision to do so. And in fact,
sometimes telling someone to trust, you may actually make them trust you less.
So imagine a salesman here, a car salesman and all he does.
He doesn't even really ask you any questions. All he does is just tell you,
trust me, this car's going to be awesome. It's going to be great.
You're going to love it. You must buy it.
Is that going to make you trust the salesman more or trust them less?
Most likely less,
because you're most likely going to be seeing this person as more of a sleazy
salesman than anything really.
And the second reason why this doesn't work is that statements mean nothing
without discovery first. So to give you an example here,
imagine you were expressing some gripe that you have about your partner to your
partner. So you might say, honey,
I don't like it when you do X and your partner responds by saying, okay, fine.
I heard you. I'm not going to do it again. I promise.
So imagine if that's her response and imagine if her response instead,
was she listened to you,
she discovered about why doing this affected you so much.
How come it means so much to you? Um, how important this is to you.
And she discovered all the ways that she might have subconsciously done X
and annoyed you here.
But what's funny here is that when you start to believe that your partner
understands things from your point of view,
the full picture of why something is so important to you, so crucial to you,
it starts to build trust in you. The discovery itself builds trust in you.
She didn't need to make any promises. Didn't need to make any statements,
but somehow simply her discovering, built trust in you.
And the last reason here of why this not only doesn't work,
but also can be dangerous in that it can backfire on you. Pretty hard as that.
If you break this promise to her,
then you might find yourself in a position where you are destroying the trust
issue even more, and it's even more difficult to repair it now.
So again, if none of these logical appeals actually works.
So what does actually work, um, to understand this,
we need to understand the different dimensions here of what it takes to rebuild
trust. So first let's investigate the victim's dimension.
So within the victim's dimension here,
there are two sub dimensions of trusting you to think about the first is that
you need to be able to lead a conversation first,
to be able to let the victim get to the root core of
understanding what the,
what and the why behind the toxic actions that just happened,
that caused the breaking of trust.
And the reason why finding those root here is very,
very crucial is because that is the only way the victim can feel like, okay,
if the root is found, discovered, and that's the actual root,
then if we kill that root, we've fixed that root.
Then it will kill all the toxic actions as well.
And without finding to that route, your partner, the victim will find it really,
really difficult to trust that the toxic actions will not happen again.
So this is the first sub dimension of the victim's dimension.
The other sub dimension here is that there needs to be discussion of the changes
needed from both parties to that.
The toxic actions never happen again and disagreement,
no one needs to be a logical agreement,
but needs to be a very emotional agreement as well.
And we'll talk about what this means a bit later,
but once you find this agreement,
it needs to be backed up by consistent actions. Now,
the instigator here has some dimensions as well. Now,
one of the dimensions again,
is that he needs to find the root cause of what made him
do the toxic actions in the first place, right?
So whether it's lying or cheating,
he needs to understand why did he do the lying,
or why did he do the cheating in the first place?
What was the core reason to get him to that place?
And this is not about giving them excuses of why cheating or lying was
justified. It's simply to understand the root core,
be a scientist about it and finding the root core of what caused that problem in
the first place. And again, for the instigator here,
the reason why the root is important is that he also needs to believe that once
they find the root and they fix the root, they come to a win,
win solution on the root. Then toxic actions will not happen again.
And he needs to be able to trust that he will not play out the toxic actions in
the future. So a lot of people think that, you know,
when it comes to trust-building,
it's only the victim that needs to rebuild their trust,
but actually the instigator also needs to rebuild the trust in themselves to be
able to do this as well.
And part of rebuilding the trust in themselves is also making the right internal
shift within themselves so that they're no longer using their willpower
or they're fake it till you make it approach to be able to make this changes in
the longterm.
And the reason this is crucial is because if you're using your willpower to do
something, to make the changes, if you're using your fake it,
till you make it our approach to make this changes,
you can sustain it for maybe a couple of days, a couple of weeks,
maybe a couple of months,
but it will be difficult for you to trust in yourself that you can do this for
life. So if you can really touch on and master the building of all these sub
dimensions here,
that is how you slowly rebuild your trust in your relationships. So, you know,
this might seem a bit complex right now.
So let me distill it down for you even further to give you basically the three
key skills that you need to really master.
If you're trying to rebuild trust in your relationship. Now,
the first key skill that you need to think about is your ability to lead a
conversation in a way that allows you to find that root cause for what
the toxic behaviors based on. And again,
this is crucial because in order for you both,
to be able to trust that the toxic actions will not happen again,
if you found the root of that toxic action, and you fix that on that level,
on the root level, not on the surface level.
And when you're picturing a conversation, you can think about this,
like trying to dig a tunnel underground, right?
So first you have to crack the surface first and what it means to crack the
surface in a conversation setting is your ability to be able to acknowledge the
difficult truth that come out during a conversation.
So whether it's your partner telling you for example,
that she doesn't trust you anymore, doesn't love you anymore.
That she feels hopeless. It's you not trying to justify this,
trying to not correct this, try to not have solutions to this. Instead,
you simply responding by saying, okay, you're feeling hopeless.
You're feeling like you can't trust me. I understand. I respect that.
That's the acknowledgement part because without the acknowledging part,
nothing else can happen here.
So once you crack the surface with your acknowledgement,
what you want to do now is to start to dig deeper and you dig deeper by
asking the right questions and asking the questions in a very non
interrogative way, in a way that will actually open up your partner here.
And a great technique that you can use here is what I call the repeat or
paraphrase and clarify.
So this is when you're simply repeating or paraphrasing,
whatever your partner just told you,
and then asking her to clarify that thing that she just said. So for example,
if she tells you, I don't trust you, I don't love you anymore. You might say,
okay.
It seems like you're struggling to trust me and love me and have any hope for
the relationship here. Can you say more about that?
And notice here that the tone that I use,
the spacing I use of silence between words really,
really make a difference in making this less interrogative and more of a
discovery question that comes out of good intention.
And the thing you need to understand here is that as you're trying to rebuild a
relationship, there's going to be a lot of resistance from your partner,
especially when you're trying to rebuild trust.
And this resistance can come in a very active form when your partner is very
angry, for example,
or it can come in a very passive form when she's shutting down on you and
walking away and stonewalling you. But nonetheless,
when you meet resistance here,
you need to be able to push past that resistance a bit more.
And the way you can do this as simply by acknowledging the resistance and again,
asking her to clarify how she feels about that. So if she's angry, for example,
just acknowledge that and say, okay, it seems like that made you really angry.
Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?
Can you tell me more about your feelings? Okay.
It feels like you're shutting down on me right now.
Can you tell me more about why you're shutting down and if you cannot break
through that resistance in this one, conversation,
understand that that's a very okay and it's very normal. Remember again,
that if you watch my other videos here,
when you're trying to rebuild trust safety or anything in the relationship,
you want to have the mindset of farming, not hunting.
You're not looking for this short term result and for things to change
drastically in just one day, one conversation. Instead,
you're having the mindset of simply planting the right seeds in every
conversation to solely build that trust, to solely build that safety.
So even if you cannot break through that resistance today,
feel free to retreat, but retreat in a way where you're not giving up,
but simply planting the right seeds along the way. And I've done many,
many videos on how you can retreat in a proper way here.
So if you're interested in learning more about that,
and you can stay to the end of this video, where I put a link to that video,
where discussed on how you can retreat properly without giving up and while
planting the right seeds in the first place.
And the last part about leading conversations here is your ability to recap a
conversation properly so that you can be sure that whatever you found here is a
root. So sometimes we, we think we're at the root of the problem,
but we really are not at the root of the problem.
And the way you discover this as simply by recapping to say, okay, honey,
if I understand you correctly, what you're saying is X, Y, and Z, is that right?
And let her say no to this. If she says no to this,
that means you haven't gone through root and then go back to the questioning
stage and discover further until you get to the root. But once she says,
yup, that's right, your recap was correct. This one, you know,
you've gone to the root.
And that brings us to the second skill you need to master,
which is your ability to come to a win, win solution.
But this win win solution needs to be on a very emotional level,
not on a logical level. And the way you do that is by doing two things.
One is that whenever you're trying to express your suggestions,
don't express it as a statement, express it as a question.
And the second part to this is no only address what you're going to do,
but also address what your partner can do to help you not play out the toxic
behaviors as well.
So basically this is when you're trying to have the conversation of your
winners, my win, and my win is your win. And so you might say something like,
okay, in my perspective, it really helped me to not play the toxic behavior.
If you can help me do X, Y, and Z, for example. And in the meantime,
when I work on is ABC,
so that I'm not doing the toxic behavior that we kind of agreed on.
What do you think? And again, if she responds, no,
she doesn't like your, what do you think go back?
Because that means that you don't have the right information yet to be able to
come up with a win-win suggestion for the both of you. But if she says, okay,
that makes sense, then that is how, you know,
you've come to a win-win agreement.
But notice here that the win-win agreement here is on a very emotional level.
You're not forcing or imposing your partner to say yes to this.
She is voluntarily saying yes to your ideas herself.
And that's how you get that win-win solution, but on a very emotional level,
and also understand that you might need to repeat this process,
this conversation of discovery, and also finding a win, win solution many,
many times throughout your journey of rebuilding trust. You know,
it's not like you have this one conversation and this one conversation will
solve all the problems.
Both of you are going to have doubts throughout this process.
And each time this doubts come up,
you need to be able to have this conversation of discovery and also finding that
win, win solution to realign.
And reinstill that hope and trust back again.
And this is why making the important mindset shift internal shifts first is
going to be very crucial because that's going to help you stay patient
throughout this whole process of discovery.
When this doubts come up and you're having to repeat the same conversation over
and over and over again,
and only that making the internal shift is really the only way that you can stop
yourself from using your willpower or your tickets.
So you make an approach to make sure that you don't play out the toxic changes
over time in the longterm, in a relationship. Now, again,
your partner is watching like a Hawk here.
Their hypothesis now is that I shouldn't trust my partner.
I've trusted my partner many times in the past, and they've been burned.
So they're looking for every single evidence to suggest that why they shouldn't
trust their partner. And you could do a hundred things right at this point.
But as a one thing, you do wrong, that's gonna crumble that has the cards.
And so it's really crucial that you try to internalize all the changes yourself
and see your relationships,
see yourself and see the techniques from a completely new paradigm to where
you're not using your willpower to accomplish it. Now,
there are so many more levels and nuances to this.
And as you can tell in this video,
you really can't afford to make mistakes here or let yourself take so much time
to learn the communication skills that's necessary to rebuild this trust.
So if you're looking for a way to learn these skills faster and more reliably,
then you want to join me in my free master class on the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up. And this class,
I will show you the exact process that I teach all my students to rebuild that
trust in the relationship slowly but surely,
and do it in a way where they're not using a willpower to do it,
but because they've made the internal shifts from inside out,
they can do all the right things more effortlessly.
So if this MasterCard sounds interesting to you,
then I want you to click the link above my head,
and also the link down in the comments below,
or also in the description box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a free guide that allows you to guide conversations,
better lead conversations,
better in a way that never escalates to arguments and in a way that rebuilds
trust over time, like we talked about,
then you also want to click the link above my head,
also down in the comments or in the student box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a community where you can post your questions and
actually get good support and good clarity on those questions,
then you also want to join me in my free Facebook group,
where you can do exactly that. And if you want to join my Facebook group,
the link goes also down below this video, in the meantime,
do leave a comment below on what you found most insightful or most eyeopening
from this video. I'd love to hear your thoughts. So leave a comment below.
And if you found this video to be helpful and valuable, then give it a like,
and subscribe to this channel as well.
For more content like this one in the meantime,
I will leave you with this two other videos that will cook you with the right
skills and knowledge, to be able to design a thriving relationship for yourself.
In the meantime, I will see you in the next video.