What's up everybody? This is Charlie from Charisma on Command, and today I want to talk
about how to lead a conversation. So, if you've ever found yourself in conversation, and you're
kind of trapped in small talk--the weather, where people are from, what's going on with
the local sports team--and you're really hoping for a chance to connect on a bit of a deeper
level but don't know how, this is going to help. It's just one small piece. There's lots
of ways to do it, but this one has to do with something called frame control. And if you're
not familiar with frame control, don't sweat it, I'm going to show you live, so let's get
started.
You've set up a school in Hollywood, didn't you? For people like James Garner and Steve
McQueen, and the others.
Yes.
Why would they want to learn Chinese martial art, because of a movie role?
So, this is the question. It's not a totally surface-level question, but he's asking him,
"Why do your students want to learn martial arts?" Now, Bruce could answer because they
want to be good fighters, whatever, but watch what he does.
Not really. Most of them, you see, to me are at least the way they want it when I teach
it. All type of knowledge ultimately means self-knowledge.
So, wait a second; something is happening here and this is what frame control is. In
any given question, there's a frame, and that frame basically says the set of parameters
that you're supposed to answer. Now, some questions has a yes/no frame. We are expected
to say yes or no. Some of them demand you just say the city that you're from, like,
"Where are you from?" or "What do you do you do?" You would say your title. What the charismatic
person does is they change the frame of the question to be more fun, more interesting,
and to allow people to connect more. So, rather than simply answer why somebody might show
up in the dojo, Bruce Lee takes this opportunity to share his philosophy on life and martial
arts. And what this does, is it moves that kind of boring question and boring answer
out of the way, so you're not just ping ponging back and forth, and it allows you to go to
the deeper level. So a lot of people think that, "Okay, if I wanted to steer the conversation
somewhere interesting, I have to have the world's most interesting questions, or I have
to have the world's most interesting conversational partner; not always true. In fact, the way
that you tend to get to those more interesting topics is by taking a question and finding
part of it that you can connect to something more interesting and more in tune with your
own life philosophy. So see how he elaborates here.
So, therefore, they're coming in to-- I mean, they ask me to teach them not so much of how
to defend themselves, or how to do somebody in, rather, they want to learn to express
themselves through some movement, be it anger, be it determination, or whatsoever.
The important thing to realize here that the charismatic person, when asked the question,
oftentimes value self-expression over brevity. A lot of times, we feel, when we're not feeling
completely confident and charismatic, that we have to answer the question exactly as
it is formulated. No, I'm not recommending that you be a politician that completely dock
the question. What I'm recommending is that you actually go deeper, and give that person
something that's going to be more fascinating and more interesting that allows you, guys,
to connect. So I want to, now, jump to a different question and you'll see how Bruce Lee takes
a new frame and kind of makes it different in this instance as well.
Of all your students famous, James Garner, Steve McQueen, Lee Marvin, James Coburn, Roman
Polanski, which was the best? Who adapted best to this oriental form of exercise and
defense?
So, right here, you have a question that implicitly has a "pick a side." Is this guy better or
is this guy better? This is kind of a prohibitive question. You might get yes/no questions.
You might get somebody asking you whose side are you on. What does the charismatic person
do when they answer it? This is a great example.
Well, depending, okay? Now, as a fighter, Steve, Steve McQueen, now, he is good in that
department because that son of a gun got the toughness in him. I mean, he would say, "All
right, baby, here I am, man, you know, and he'll do it." Now, James Coburn is a peace-loving
man. I mean, you've met him, he's really, really nice, and he's super and mellow, and
all that, you know? I mean, now, he appreciate the philosophical part of it, therefore, his
understanding of it is deeper than Steve. So, it's really hard to say. Do you see what
I'm saying now? I mean, it's different, I mean, depending on what you see in it.
So, what has happened here? The interesting part of this is that Bruce Lee answers this
question by actually rejecting the form of the question. The guy asked him who is better,
right? And implicit in that is there needs to be one way to be better in martial arts,
and what Bruce Lee does in his answer is he says, "No, there are a number of ways. You
can be a good fighter. You can appreciate the art." This is what charismatic people
do constantly. If you look at the people that you admire, they do not take questions at
face value when they conflict with the way they see the world. Instead, they express
themselves. They share their life philosophy when it conflicts with the frame of the question,
and this is why this framing is so important, because conversations, if you look at them
in this way, can be seen almost as a contest of different frames, and when somebody puts
out a frame that says, "Okay, who's better?" And you implicitly disagree with that but
you answer their question anyway, you've given in to a frame that subverts what you really
believe about the world. So it's so important that you notice what's going on in conversation
where these frames, and not to be a jerk, but where is it appropriate and honest for
you, to reject the form of the question and assert a new frame. So, one more of this that
I will show you very quickly.
Do you think of yourself as Chinese or do you think of yourself as North American?
You know what I want to think of myself? As a human being, because I don't want to sound
like, you know, as Confucius say, but under the sky, under the heaven, mankind is but
one family. It just so happen then that people are different.
So there you go. That is just an example, again, of Bruce Lee, one, rejecting the form
of the question, they use dichotomy questions where you're expected to say one or the other,
yes or no, who's side are you on. Oftentimes, you would want to reject the form of the question
and say I think a different way, neither of those options. And, second, he uses this as
an opportunity to share his life philosophy about people. It's very brief and very quick
but he still gets it in there. So, hopefully, these two tips have helped. One, you're going
to see where the frames are, and then, two, break the frame if they do not go across with
your life values.
So, hopefully, you found this helpful. The idea behind all of these is, one, to start
to see the implicit frames that are in conversation, and when appropriate, don't accept the frames.
The charismatic thing to do when your life experience or your value sort of conflict
with the types of questions that you're getting, or you just want to answer in a more fascinating
way that's going to allow you to connect with someone is to assert a new frame. Share something
that you are passionate about. Tell them why the formative question they have doesn't totally
jive with the way that you see the world. That will lead to richer, more engaging conversation
that allows you to connect with more people. And, honestly, it might alienate some people,
but those are the kinds that you're going to want to alienate anyway.
I hope you found this video helpful. If you're interested in learning more on the topic of
charisma, and, specifically, how to make an amazing first impression on anyone, I've created
a video that details the four emotions that if you create them in a human being, will
lead to a guaranteed amazing first impression. It doesn't matter if they're a new boss or
a date. This is human psychology. It will work on anyone. The trick is you have to create
them in the right order, and what most people do is they leave one out or they get them
in the wrong order. Honestly, that's a lot of what the advice that you might get in other
places will tell you to do. So, if you want to know what those are and the order to do
them in, go ahead and click the link now. If you've enjoyed this video, please go ahead
give it a thumbs up, and, of course, you can subscribe for more like this all the time,
and if you have any specific people you'd like me to do, go ahead and write them in
the comments. This is a shout out to bnsgokugreat, who I think has asked for Bruce Lee video
no less than six times. I do read these comments and I take them seriously when you, guys,
support the channel. So, this one is for you, and I hope to see you on the next video.