Are you kidding me?
Noooo, come on!
Seriously??
Nooooooo!!!
(Screaming) Seriously, ugh, come on!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
(Scene flashes to man playing a game on his phone)
Ok, so today we are going to talk about overreacting, and how to know if you are overreacting in
a given scenario.
One of my coaching clients brought this up recently on our coaching call.
She said “Matt, here’s the scenario, I am out on a date with my boyfriend, we are
having a great time, we’re at this restaurant.
And, the conversation is amazing, and we are actually shutting the place down, we’re
talking so long and so great.
My boyfriend notices that there are people starting to clean up around us, and we’re
the last people in this restaurant.
And so, I’m in the middle of my story and I’m talking, and right when I’m talking,
he interrupts me and says, “Babe, you know what, why don’t we get out of here because
I can see these people are starting to clean up.”
And she says, “I felt this wave of anger surge inside of me, but I think it’s connected
to a trigger I have, or an old story, and old pattern I have is not feeling heard, or
people not listening to me.
So, as I’m in the middle of this story and he interrupts me, I feel like that triggered
me, and I feel angry about it.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting, or if I should bring it up to him or talk about
it.
What do you think?”
And so I asked her this question: Okay, so your boyfriend notices that people are cleaning
up around you, you’re the last ones there, and he suggests that you take the conversation
out of the restaurant and pick it up later.
She says, “Yeah.”
I said, “What qualities do you think inside of him are what’s driving that behavior?
What qualities does he have that is causing him to say, you know what, let’s get up
and let these people finish cleaning up?”
She thinks about it she goes, “Hmmm, kindness and compassion.”
And we both laughed, were like, “Yeah, here he is, considerate, kind, compassionate.
A man that is seeing these other people that are here having to work late because you guys
are there, so he says, let’s take this conversation somewhere else.”
She says, “Oh my gosh.”
And I said, “Now, are those qualities that you actually like in him when they are directed
towards you?”
And she goes, “Absolutely.”
It’s an interesting perspective to take, because often times it’s the qualities that
we love in our partner, can also be the qualities that drive us crazy at times.
And so, how to know if we are overreacting is simply looking at those qualities and saying,
is this a quality I admire and want to reinforce?
Or, is this a quality I want to shut down?
Now, let me give you another illustration of this.
My wife’s Dad, my father in law, is an amazing guy.
Runs his own landscaping company, he would be the type of guy that gives you the shirt
off his back.
He even comes over to our house, cuts our grass, trims the hedges without even asking
us.
Like when we are gone, he just shows up and does the work.
And so, a couple weeks ago, we took a trip to Lake Tahoe.
We rent a place for him and my mother in law to come, because they are going to come and
vacation with us and help us take care of Isabella, our daughter.
And so, before we leave, we find out that he’s invited his cousin and her husband
to join them and stay in their room.
And so I’m talking to my wife about this, and my wife is upset, Miguel’s wife is upset.
They are like, “How can you invite this couple, you haven’t even talked to us about
it, you haven’t talked to Matt and Irene, they paid for the room, you should at least
ask their permission.”
And as Irene is bringing me this, I’m feeling a little irritated about it as well, he should
have really talked to us about it before just inviting someone on this family trip.
But then I thought, what quality is driving that behavior?
It’s the same quality that we love in Miguel.
It’s the generous spirit, wanting to share everything that he has.
And I talked to my wife about it and I said, “You know what, babe?
The same quality that we love in him is the same quality that is driving this behavior.
It’s the generous spirit, it’s the kind heart, it’s him wanting to give.
So, let’s just talk to him and make a new agreement about him talking to us first about
this, but we definitely don’t want to stifle that quality in him because that’s what
we love the most.”
So the next time you are wondering, “Am I overreacting, am I not?”
Ask yourself this question.
What quality in the other person is driving this behavior?
Because chances are, it might be a good quality that you appreciate, and when you can become
aware of that, it will give you a new perspective and help you feel more compassion and feel
more connection for the person that you are with.
Now, my question for you is, when you feel yourself starting to react to a situation,
what’s your strategy for helping calm yourself back down, helping you get perspective?
What works for you?
Post a comment in the comment section below, I love checking out your comments.
And, if you’ve enjoyed this video, if it made you laugh at all, please share it with
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And as always, I’ve placed a resource in this video that will help you understand the
hearts and minds of men, and help you expand the love in your life.
There’s a link in the description and a link right here in this video.
So, go ahead and click that link, get that resource.
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Just want to say, thanks so much for watching, and see you soon.