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(Cues: Wiz & Boomstick - Brandon Yates)
Wiz: Power.
Some spend entire lives in search of it.
While for others it is their birthright.
But what truly matters in the end is how it's used.
Boomstick: Like with Thanos, the ultimate villain of the Avengers.
Wiz: And Darkside, arch-nemesis to the Justice League.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a DEATH BATTLE!
Over a million years ago...
When mankind's evolution first broke away from the apes,
the cosmic Celestials arrived on earth.
They experimented on the human race, creating three separate variants.
The powerful and beautiful Eternals, destined for immortality.
Those with a latent mutated gene, which would one day spawn the X-Men.
And a deformed disturbing subspecies known as the Deviants.
Boomstick: Like that one website with all the porn.
Wiz: What?
Boomstick: Anyway the Eternals eventually colonized the moons of Saturn thanks to this science wizard named Mentor.
Whose collar's like the lampshade I put on my dog to make him stop lickin' his junk.
Wiz: Charming.
But while the Eternal seemed like a perfect people,
Mentor's own son would change this forever and force the cosmos to its needs.
His name was Thanos.
Thanos: You were a fool to betray me, Ronan.
Prepare to meet your doom!
Boomstick: Thanos was born into a life of luxury.
Sure his mom went totally insane and tried to kill him right away, but what do you think you'd do if you popped out a creepy California raisin baby?
Wiz: It seems the Celestials experiments weren't quite so different from each other.
Despite his eternal heritage, Thanos' large disproportionate body and thick purple skin where thanks to a deviant mutation.
Boomstick: Which you'd think would mean everyone would hate him.
But nope.
The Eternals were super progressive, and totally cool with a wrinkly grimace walkin' around.
Wiz: In fact, Thanos was greatly admired for his exceptional intelligence and creativity.
He was set for a positive and decorated future.
Boomstick: Until he threw it all away for a girl...
Hey, I don't blame him.
Lots of guys do crazy shit for hot chicks.
Especially when you're a secret murder-happy psycho who's obsessed with the physical manifestation of death.
Wiz: To earn Death's reciprocal love, Thanos took a journey. A quest to ravage the universe in her name.
Boomstick: And as an eternal, he had plenty of superhuman power to do it.
He was already the strongest and fastest Eternal around,
But he boosted his power even more with bionic and magic enhancements.
Wiz: And while his fiscal and psionic abilities are impressive,
His incredible genius led to building massive spaceships, shields that can withstand planet level attacks, and even a time window.
Boomstick: And the most badass throne ever.
It comes packed with its own laser weapons, light speed travel and it can teleport through space and time.
Wiz: And unlike most Eternals, Thanos has also dabbled in the mystic arts:
Petrification, Curses, even some of his throne's abilities seem to be more magic than hard science.
All of this potential makes Thanos an incredibly dangerous foe.
Boomstick: Yeah, good luck tryin' to hurt him.
He can survive pretty much anything,
Including a gun specifically designed to kill him!
He even shot himself in the face with it just to prove how goddamn awesome he is!
Boomstick: D- Don't try that at home kids.
Wiz: He's strong enough to overpower two Thors at once,
Snap a universal weapon known for its extreme durability,
And even lift the gargantuan Galactus engine.
Boomstick: A giant super rocket big enough to move planets!
According to Mr. Fantastic, and that guy know his stuff,
This thing is hundreds of miles long!
Wiz: While the Galactus engine's size seems to vary from comic to comic,
Reed's assertion matches its appearance when it propelled Ego the Living Planet.
By examining the engine in three separate parts, applying the density of steel, and comparing Ego's diameter of four thousand 165 miles,
We've found that Thanos must be lifting about 50 quintillion tons.
That's like holding up 140 trillion Empire State buildings.
Boomstick: And he's doin' this inside the gut of a living Kurt Russell planet that eats other planets and even stars!
Man.
I thought I had an iron stomach.
Wiz: But destroying a star isn't a simple thing.
Any energy directed toward a star would just be absorbed and adapted to.
Only by completely nullifying a star's constant energy output can it be eliminated.
Boomstick: So Ego's stomach acid it must be deadlier than frickin supernovas or a black hole!
He'd probably love'd Mama Boomstick's world famous ghost pepper pie.
Wiz: Ugh!
Boomstick: It's fine.
Just dip it in some squirrel paste.
Wiz: Surviving the stomach of Ego isn't so far-fetched for Thanos,
Considering he's also survived a dip in a blackhole,
Extreme reality warping across the Metaverse, and the voice of Black Bolt.
Boomstick: What's so special about this guy you ask?
Well with just a whisper he obliterated 1 billion tons of rock!
This guy can easily break a planet with just one shout.
And Thanos took three of them to the face.
Wiz: Although Thanos isn't known for being a speedster character,
He's still quick enough to battle the likes of Silver Surfer,
A being who can cover five hundred thousand light-years in just a couple of seconds,
Putting him over three trillion times faster than light.
With so many impressive showings It's hard to truly find a weakness.
Deadpool: Except for oneeeeeee.
Boomstick: Oh, Goddammit!
Deadpool: Thank you, thank you.
Glad to be here.
It's me: Deadpool.
Slayer of Deathstrokes, befriender of Ponies, and breaker of Mad Titan hearts.
I'm like Casanova. The ravenous reaper can't get enough of me.
Thanos just hates that.
Oof!
Wiz: Well Thanos did cursed him so he couldn't die and be with her...
Deadpool: I know right?
He's a big purple crybaby.
Have you seen that chin though?
It's like he got hit in the face with a Slap Chop.
Boomstick: Don't you have a like a party in Pony Town to be in?
Deadpool: Aw come on, buddy, you can't have a DEATH BATTLE season without Deadpool right?
Wiz: We did.
The last one.
Deadpool: Nobody counts that one.
I mean, that's a year you pit a dog in trenchcoat against a goddamn bear.
(chuckles)
What did you think would happened?
Boomstick: (laughs)
Yeah.
Deadpool: Whatever.
I know when I'm not wanted.
See you next year.
DP out.
Wiz: Ugh, good riddance.
Boomstick: Even with all of these powers and abilities Thanos still felt he needed something more to impress Death.
Think he's compensatin' for somethin', Wiz?
Wiz: Oh absolutely.
So he built the Infinity Gauntlet, a golden glove which harnessed the power of six multi colored gems known as Infinity Stones.
With these, he could control the full spectrum of space, reality, mind, power, soul and time.
Boomstick: And with those powers combined, he summons Captain Planet.
Wiz: Well, more like the destruction of half the universe, but sure, whatever.
Bucky: Steve?
(Anybody else not feel so good?...)
Boomstick: Eh, same difference.
But wait! Isn't the Time Stone the green one in Dr. Strange's necklace?
Wiz: Well in the Movie Universe, the Time Stone is green, but in the original comics series, it's orange.
This is because every universe has its own unique Infinity Gauntlet that works exclusively there,
And sometimes the stones are different in color.
Here, just follow this handy diagram I made.
Boomstick: Yeah, don't care.
So with all the stones, he wiped out half the universe with only a snap of his fingers.
But he also started going a bit crazy and began to doubt his ability to perform.
Hey, happens to the best of us.
Wiz: Yet it never keeps the Mad Titan at bay for long,
Whose constant lust for power and godly status in the universe is only matched by his drive to just...
...kill everybody.
Thanos: Dread it.
Run from it.
Destiny arrives all the same.
And now it’s here.
Or should I say...
I am.
Wiz: Ten billion years ago...
The primeval Old Gods clashed in a cosmic civil war called: Ragnarök.
Boomstick: That the one with Thor and Jeff Goldblum?
Wiz: No.
Yes...
Kind of.
The battle was so great, that the result was an explosion that tore the God's asunder,
Sending a great Godwave throughout the metaverse,
Eventually birthing a new generation known as...
The New Gods.
Boomstick: How original!
Well, some of these include Alpine Space Skier,
Fancy Pants Shakespeare,
And this cyborg spider Humpty Dumpty.
Half of these guys ended up on a beautiful paradise world called: New Genesis,
While the rest got stuck on an actually fireball called: Apokolips.
With a "K".
Wiz: Among these damned souls was Prince Uxas,
Second in line to the throne behind his older brother, Drax.
Not Dave Bautista Drax.
But DC Drax.
Boomstick: Aw man, I really like that guy.
He's not afraid to say what he's thinkin'.
Drax: You are horrifying to look at, yes.
Wiz: To rule Apokolips, Drax was meant to enter the mysterious Omega Pit and absorb the Omega Effect,
A force of destructive entropy bound within Apokolips.
Boomstick: But being the crafty bastard he was,
Uxas tricked DC Drax into getting killed, and stole the loot for himself.
Wiz: And so the Omega Effect transformed Uxas into the physical manifestation of tyranny:
Darkseid.
Cyborg: Now what?
Darkseid: Now...
You die.
Boomstick: As the king of Apokolips, Darkseid entered a war on the universe.
Whether he was kicking New Genesis ass, or givin' the Man of Steel a hard time,
Darkseid was always workin' toward his one goal: conquerin' all life.
Wiz: And thanks to his New God physiology, he has incredible superhuman strength, speed, agility, and even immortality.
He's already over 245,000 years old,
And that's given him plenty of time to push the limits of the Omega Effect.
Boomstick: He's got a whole bunch of cool Omega powers that break all the rules of nature.
He can teleport across time and space, fly at unthinkable speeds, warp reality around him,
And grow super sized.
Wiz: Something he's pretty used to doing.
The scale between the prime universe and Darkseid's own universe, the Fourth World, is vast.
He travels between universes via Boom Tubes, which automatically adjust his size to what is considered normal within his destination.
Otherwise, he'd have a hard time fitting in,
Given that the normal size of a New God is about the size of a star.
Boomstick: Oh yeah.
I've had that kinda trouble with my Boomstick Tube.
Wiz: He can use various psionic powers like telekinesis and telepathy,
And can easily manipulate sentient beings thanks to a cosmic awareness of the multiverse powered by eighteen divine senses.
Boomstick: Y'know, I bet he never forgets where he leaves his keys.
Like a space-age necromancer Darkseid can possess living or deceased beings,
Controlling them like puppets.
He can even control basic inanimate objects,
Just like the Nomad of Nowhere.
Boomstick: AH! HOLY SHIT!
Uh, Wiz?
Never thought I'd say this but...
I might have had too much to drink.
Wiz: But Darkseid's deadliest technique is his signature Omega Beams.
These burning lasers of hatred are capable of instant sharp turns and tracking multiple targets at once.
Flash: They're splitting up.
They can do that?
Superman: They're locked on us!
Wiz: On contact the beams can either disintegrate their target, transmute matter,
Erase beings from existence or trap enemies in the Omega Sanction.
The Omega Sanction is a sort of life trap.
Its target enters a self-contained reality where they live out an infinite number of lives for eternity.
Boomstick: Oh that doesn't sound so bad.
I just do a Bill Murray and use all those lives to learn piano or save a dog or...
Yeah that's probably about it.
Wiz: Well, there's a catch.
Each life in the sanction gets progressively worse as it goes,
Including how you die.
When the third Mr. Miracle was trapped in it he was fairly unaware...
Until he was beaten, burned, mutilated and castrated,
Broken to a point of intentionally overdosing.
And that was just his first life in the sanction.
Boomstick: Oh.
N- No thanks.
I- I'm good.
To overpower the multiverse, Darkseid would face some pretty steep competition.
However his power eclipses those of even some of the strongest heroes around.
Boomstick: He's fast enough to take a trip to the Source Wall in just a few seconds.
That's at the very edge of existence.
So like you're not gonna be able to Map quest that shit.
Wiz: The edge of the observable universe is about 45 billion light-years away and scientists hypothesized the actual scale is over 100 sextillions times greater.
It took a whole year for the legendary helm of Nabu to make this journey.
But for Darkseid, all of five seconds.
To pull this off he'd have to be moving over 87 duodecillion times the speed of light!
Boomstick: Which is... totally a real number that I understand.
But if he super big in Fourth World, wouldn't he have an easier time getting to the edge?
Wiz: We're factoring the scaling across his universe as a whole.
Besides, technically, the Fourth World is four billion years older than our own universe.
So the distance to the edge is probably even further.
Boomstick: He's so quick he can choke out Superman before he even sees him move.
Or knock him out cold in just a few bitch slaps.
And Superman can survive supernovas to the face!
Also since Darkseid wasn't affected by the crisis mega reboot,
It's still canon that he can blitz Pre-Crisis Supes,
Who can sneeze solar systems away!
Wiz: Darkseid is strong enough to crush a Lantern ring with ease,
Destroy planets with his Omega Beams, and wipe out the Justice League with a single strike.
Even with all this power, Darkseid believed he could not dominate the universe until he discovered his ultimate prize:
The Anti-Life Equation.
Boomstick: Ha!
I knew numbers were bad for you.
Take that Miss Jensen and your stupid ruler.
Wiz: The Anti-Life is technically an entity of its own,
A fragmented piece of the source from which all life originates.
However, Darkseid discovered a formula which essentially manipulates the anti life's presence in all living things,
In a manner which definitively proves that all freedom and hope are meaningless efforts.
Boomstick: So it's math that just makes you sad.
Wiz: Yes.
And a slave to Darkseid, but yes.
So the Anti-Life is pretty weird.
But you know what's even more so?
The Darkseid that you think you know isn't actually Darkseid.
Boomstick: Say what now?!
Wiz: He became the very essence of tyranny itself.
This noncorporeal god rests in the higher plane of fourth world and molds avatars of his consciousness to interact with the multiverse around him.
While each avatar is weaker than his true self,
It's a necessary handicap,
As his own existence in the universe other than Fourth World would shatter the laws of reality,
Ending time and space as we know it.
The sheer power of the Omega Effect threatens entire cosmos,
Similar to how its equal, the Astro Force, could counter in Oblivion bomb capable of annihilating the universe in a single blast.
Boomstick: Holy shit!
His avatar may lose some power,
But it's still tough enough to survive a bomb Lex Luthor designed to rip apart existence,
And a shot from Marvelous Marno's Master Blaster,
Which sounds like it was made up by a circus clown,
And that kind of makes sense because apparently no life-form can stand up to it.
Just like clowns.
Wiz: Except for Darkseid.
Boomstick: Well Darkseid isn't immune to all guns.
All you need is a neat little Radion bullet.
Wiz: Think of Radion as the new God's kryptonite.
Despite all his power, Darkseid is far from invincible.
He's had his heart ripped out, his soul stolen by Death, and his essence shattered by Superman...
uhh...
Singing...
Boomstick: Hey Darkseid?
🎶Look at this photograph.🎶
Wiz: To this day, even after so many cataclysmic events,
The lord of apocalypse continues his mission.
Every living being in the multiverse will bend to the will of Darkseid.
Darkseid: It seems I have you to thank for my resurrection.
Though your world will suffer slowly,
I grant you a quick death.
*B O O M*
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set.
Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: But first, I need something that can save my godly hunger.
Wiz: We're in the holiday season.
So nobody wants to worry about preparing meals.
Thankfully cooking delicious wholesome meals can be an easy feat with Blue Apron.
Starting in January Blue Apron chefs are working with health and wellness experts at www wait watch this re-imagined.
To make a variety of fantastic recipes perfect for a healthy lifestyle.
The new free style plan features six weekly recipes and you can choose up to three per week.
Get pre portion ingredients and create wonderful meals for as low as four smart points each.
So enjoy your holidays without worrying about grocery shopping or planning.
Let Blue Apron take care of that.
My favorite part is feelin' like a master chef makin' creative and delicious meals with my own hands.
You guys really need to try it out.
Wiz: It's pretty nice coming home knowing I'll have a delicious meal I can whip up with ease.
Boomstick: So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at Blueapron.com/Battle.
That's Blueapron.com/Battle to get your first three meals free.
Wiz: Blue Apron "A Better Way to Cook."
Boomstick: But right now, IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deadpool: It can fly, it can teleport, it'll send you through time and space,
and it's *perfect* for gaming.
You follow me?
Sure you do.
You're a foward thinking guy.
Thanos: At last, there it is.
Deadpool: Hey, hey Thanos!
Buddy!
How are you doing?
Rockin' that chin as always!
*C O N F E T T I*
Thanos: Get off my throne and kneel.
Face death at the hand of your new emperor.
Darkseid: You know not the infinite wealth of destruction I command.
Announcer: FIGHT!
Darkseid: You dare strike me?
Beg for the sweet release of death!
Thanos: You first.
Thanos: I am Thanos.
Thanos is supreme.
Thanos is God.
Thanos: These games bore me.
But this will bring a smile to my face.
*S N A P*
Darkseid: It'll have to wait.
*Multiple snaps*
Thanos: COWARD!!!
WHO ARE YOU?
WHO ARE YOU?!?!?
Darkseid: I'll show you.
Darkseid: This is who I am.
*S N A P*
...
*Multiple snaps*
Darkseid: Your reality is far from my own.
Darkseid: You have no power here.
Thanos: I am Thanos.
I am all things!
THIS IS WHO I AM!
Darkseid: Pitiful.
*Kissing noises*
Deadpool: Is he looking at us?
Oh my god!
It's Deadpool with a gun!
*B A N G*
Darkseid: Behold!
An endless death.
*C R U S H*
Deadpool: So you watching any anime?
Announcer: KO!
Boomstick: Oh man, that's the worst way he could've gone out.
'Cause now he's gonna be dying over and over and over...
Wiz: Thanos was an incredible foe, especially while wielding the Infinity Gauntlet.
Unfortunately, the Gauntlet had a fatal flaw.
Boomstick: Yeah that Golden Glove only works in its own universe.
And Darkseid could easily move the fight to new ones with his Boomstick tubes.
Universe hoppin' is kind of his thing.
Wiz: The Reed Richards of the interdimensional Council of Reed's figured this out.
It's three founding members (Reed, Reed, and Reed) each possessed Infinity Gauntlets,
But discovered that they couldn't work outside of their own universes.
Boomstick: The Gauntlet had no problem making Darkseid's avatar not feel so good,
But since Darkseid's true form was always in the Fourth World universe,
Thanos couldn't actually finish him off with the Gauntlet.
Wiz: Even if this fight took place in entirely neutral territory,
The victor wouldn't change.
Thanos' Gauntlet wouldn't work and True Darkseid's presence... would actually just destroy everything just by being there.
Boomstick: But he didn't just lose because of the Gauntlet.
He really couldn't keep up with the space golem.
Wiz: Even going toe-to-toe with him being as fast as Silver Surfer was nothing compared to when Darkseid took a trip to the edge of existence.
This puts Darkseid almost 28 octillion times faster than Thanos.
Boomstick: And his Omega effect scales to the Astro Force, which could equal the oblivion bomb's universe destroying blast.
This means the Omega Effect and Infinity Gauntlet were both pretty even in terms of destructive ability.
But unlike Thanos,
Darkseid can use his Omega Powers whenever and wherever he wants.
Wiz: Once he lost the Gauntlet Thanos could certainly survive star level attacks and even greater.
But universal destruction is definitely a bit more than his purple eternal hide could handle.
And even after that...
Darkseid had plenty of ways to end the fight whenever he wanted like the Omega Sanction.
Boomstick: Thanos was super powerful
But Darkseid was just faster, stronger and even more ruthless.
Wiz: And if you think about it.
Thanos needed the Infinity Gauntlet to become a god.
But Darkseid already was one.
Boomstick: Thanos just couldn't...
Deadpool: Run the Gauntlet!
Boomstick: Oh, you son of a bitch!
Wiz: (groans)
The winner is Darkseid.
Ben: Hey thanks for watching this year's Season Finale!
If you want the music from this battle you can get it by clicking the link below.
Chad: Or if you guys want to see Thanos and Darkseid in a rap battle.
Just click that video right over there and check out our friends JTMusic.