Right.
Now, as we know, once a man is past the age of 28,
he may not, under any circumstances, drive through a built-up area
with the roof down on his convertible car, but I have no roof. I have no choice.
And what I'm saying to onlookers is:
"Driving is my hobby. I'm very keen on it."
And that's a bit like a keen angler going to work in some waders.
The difficult thing about driving a Caterham
in slow-moving traffic like this is not the clutch,
or the gearbox, or anything like that.
It's that you feel a bit of a berk, if you're honest.
I mean, a lot of people will be driving past
and their children will be saying:
"Daddy, why's that man's car's windscreen fallen off?"
Morning, Jason. You all right?
Obviously, I know everybody in Hammersmith.
I feel some people may be making character judgements
based on the RAF roundels and pretend bullet-holes,
scantily clad ladies adorning my three-wheeled car.
The fact is, I'm not really a fighter pilot.
Nobody has ever shot bullets at this car. They're just stick-on.
Ah. Speed humps, let's...
Yeah, the front two wheels sort of went either side of it,
but the middle wheel at the back... puts me out a bit.
Just outside London, we met up at a service station to compare notes.
Is this the worst trip to work you've ever had?
-Not so far. -Mine's the most embarrassing.
If you were going to work today to a factory that you owned
to lay off all of the staff, my car would not be the car to make that journey in.
Or: "I'm going to have to tell that patient the news is not good."
-Or if you were a funeral director. -No.
"I'm very sorry about your loss."
Since we were in no hurry to get back on display in the rush hour traffic,
I decided to kill some time with a little challenge.
If you can start that car with that key, I will give you this crisp £10 note.
-How long have I got? -Long as you like. Take a week.
It can't be that hard. There'll be an immobiliser button somewhere.
-So, is there a hole for this key? -Oh, yes.
Right. So, let's think about this. They'll have put it somewhere.
-Does it go in there? -What, like that?
I seriously want to try and do it. Yeah. Yeah.
I think that's going to have something to do with it.
-Well, it does. It says ignition on. -Right. Hang on.
Stopwatch, lights...
Horn.
Cold.
-Have you got the clutch? -Yes.
-I think mode could have something to... -No.
-But that does set the ignition. -No, there's another button in there...
Yeah!
So, that button says start, but that could be a trick.
It IS a trick. Now press stop.
-Aha! -Right.
-So, you press stop first and then start? -Yes.
Mode... Oh, this is idiotic.
It's perfectly straightforward. Ignition on.
Key in. Press stop till there's a clonk. Press mode once it says ready to race,
then put your foot on the clutch,
then the brake fully down, then press start, then it begins.
The stop being the button to start it, is,
with the best will in the world, a bit misleading.
And a mad starting procedure
is only one of many things wrong with Jeremy's X-Bow.
The turning circle's just shocking. Oh, God.
Come on!
By the time we were back on the A3, the weather had changed.
No! No, it's raining!
It's hurting my face. It's agony.
Ow and mega-ow!
Oh, God. I need a hat or some... Oh, Jesus wept.
My right hand is completely frozen. It's just a claw.
Also, there are holes in the floor behind the pedals
and all the air, and the wind and the rain is going up my trouser legs.
Also, rain is running off my jacket into my lap.
None of these things are good news for my genitalia, which has run away.
If you're watching, Caterham... heater and windscreen!
And finally, the weather. It's not looking good out there, I'm afraid,
with a maximum temperature of just one degree Celsius
and the rain is expected to get heavier as the day goes on.
I am going to have treble pneumonia.
There's going to be no doubt about that.
We were all so miserable, we decided that even shopping would be preferable.
I just hope I can still do the seatbelts up.
-What? -Oh, my seat's wet.
Chaps.
Are you on motor-bicycles?
-Are they KTM motor-bicycles? -Two of them are.
Can I just say, KTM is the stupidest company in the world?
Well said.
That is ridiculous.
Right then.
Oh, wow.
Look, it's Douglas Bader-Meinhof.
Come on, then. Let's get on with it.
Twelve more miles of abject misery and then I can pretend
I've never heard the words KTM, cross or bow.
I've been coming to work now down here for ten years.
I've never had to stop and buy another outfit on the way.
I've never been so miserable.
Okay, this is getting heavier now and it is becoming less pleasant.
It wouldn't make a very good wedding car for winter weddings.
That's another thing it wouldn't be good for.
One of the other advantages of the traditional car windscreen
is that you can have windscreen wipers on it. I just...
It'd be nice to be able to see.
And here we are at work.
Frankly, I wish it was the gallows.
Oh, bloody hellfire.
The bit of your face that's exposed has gone all funny.
It's got mud and bits of stones on it.
You know when you find a potato in the bottom of the fridge
-that's been there for a while? -Yeah, you've rotted your face off.
My job, from now on, is to drive cars with roofs.
And with that, back to the studio.