-Hi. In this video, I'm going to share
seven secret signs that he might be lying to you.
[music]
Hi there. Mat Shaffer, your empowerment,
connection and relationship coach here.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting you
and creating the fun, fulfilling, dynamic connection
and relationships with men that you are so worthy of.
I'm excited to talk to you today about seven secret signs,
both verbal and nonverbal,
that will allow you to know if a man that you're dating
or talking to might be lying to you.
These are going to be really fun and I'm excited to dig into it.
Before we do, take a second,
hit that little subscribe button and don't forget to click the link
in the comments or caption.
I have created some great training for you that's going to make a huge difference
in your connections and relationships with men.
Now, before we dive in to these seven verbal
and nonverbal lying cues, I want to share to you three lying principles.
You can use these principles to evaluate anything that a man is saying to you
to determine if he's lying or not.
The first principle is that the best defense
is a good offense.
You might have experienced men doing this before when you catch him in a lie
and he becomes defensive and goes on the offense with you,
and try to turn the tables on you strategically and get you to start
defending yourself, which then relieves him
of the responsibility to defend himself.
Any time you see a man becoming overly aggressive or defensive
as you're asking him questions, it's a sign to start looking deeper.
The second lying principle is that action speaks louder than words.
This is at the foundation of nonverbal cues for lying.
Because for many men,
while they may be very good with their words,
and their explanations, and their rationalizations,
their bodies can't lie.
Their eyes, or their body stance, or the way angling themselves,
or their throat.
There are so many different things you can look for where if a man
is not being physically congruent
when he's talking to you with how he normally is,
if he's acting different even though the words are making sense,
that's again, a little alarm bell thing for you to look for.
I think Maya Angelou had a great quote that applies when we're talking
about nonverbal cues.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
The third lying principle is anything that buys him time is an asset.
Any time you see a man stalling or trying to find a way to give himself
some time and space when confronted with a question
or some abnormal situation, that is a good indicator
that he needs that time to prepare a story,
to allow things to cool down, and give him the space
and distance to come up with a strategy
that's going to work for him.
If you have a guy who's stalling instead of giving you a natural,
organic explanation for whatever it is that you're asking him about
or that you're inquiring about,
that might be a sign that he's lying to you.
Now that we've got those three lying principles established,
that the best defense is a good offense, that actions speak louder than words,
and that time is a liar's best friend,
[chuckles]
let's dive into the seven secret signs that you can tell
if a man is lying to you. You know what?
I'm going to throw a bonus one at the end,
so be sure to hang with this video until the very end you all.
You're not going to want to miss it
because it will be the most important sign of all.
The first sign that you want to look for is a verbal one
and that's that he is repeating back to you the questions
or statements that you're making to him.
This is going to happen most often when you're asking him
a confrontive question
or you're giving him an unexpected statement.
Again, what is he doing?
Principle three, he's stalling so that he can find time
to come up with a right response.
If you ask him what he was doing all day yesterday
because you couldn't get a hold of him,
he might just stop and pause for a second and then say,
"What you're saying is is that you couldn't get a hold of me
all day yesterday?"
Then he's going to pause and give you some time to restate
what it is that you're saying, which again, gives him that buffer of time
and also additional details that you're sharing with him
to give him time to put his story together.
Another thing he might do if he's already asked you that repetitive question
is to follow up that repetitive question with additional questions,
building off of it to try to put you on the defensive.
He'll say, "Okay. You're saying
that you weren't able to get a hold of me, that I wasn't picking up my phone.
Well, did you try texting me?
Did you send me a fax or an email?
Did you send me a carrier pigeon?
I was by a window all day yesterday.
I didn't see a single carrier pigeon."
[pigeon coos]
I'm half joking, but you get what I'm saying, right?
He's going to try to just give you additional questions
so that, all of a sudden, you're explaining to him
why you didn't try all these other ways just to try to reach out to him.
Now, the second sign that a man is lying is a nonverbal one.
That is when a man feels confronted or trapped,
he is going to angle or be drawn towards the point of escape.
This might look a lot of different ways.
It might look like him glancing towards a doorway,
or angling his body, or leaning towards the exit point from the room,
or even just angling his feet towards the escape route
that he might be able to go on if he had his way.
The easiest way to catch a man
with this cue is to just really follow his eyes.
If you see his eyes start leading towards the doorway
or start looking out the window, then that's a good sign
that he's feeling some impulsive desire to escape
because he's caught in a dishonest statement.
The next sign that a man might be lying is if he repeats back
his own justifications and his own explanations.
This is another stalling strategy that's used especially
when a man feels stuck and he can't come up
with any additional details to fully support or flesh out his statement.
If you ask him where he was last night when you couldn't get a hold of him
and he says, "I was going to the store
and they don't have reception in that part of town."
Then you start asking,
"What store? What were you buying and dah, dah, dah?"
You start asking follow-up questions and he's like, "Listen,
I was going to the store.
You know they don't have reception there." Because he can't come up
with those additional details you're asking for,
he's just going to keep going back to the well and getting more aggressive
in his repetition of his answer,
hoping that it'll either give him enough time to come up with some more details,
or that if he gets aggressive enough,
that you might back away and stop asking him additional questions
that will catch him in his dishonesty.
"I was at the store.
Leave me alone, woman." [chuckles]
Now, this next sign is another nonverbal one.
It's actually a little surprising.
I know you've probably heard that if a man is lying,
that he might have a hard time holding your gaze,
he might be looking away.
While that is true,
it's actually more accurate that if a man is really lying to you
and he really wants to sell that lie,
that he's going to give you too much eye contact.
He's going to go out of his way to hold your gaze
because that's a way that men will control conversations
and try to really sell you on the sincerity
of what it is that they're saying.
If you think about it, it makes sense.
In a normal, relaxed conversation where nobody has anything to hide,
it's natural for eye contact to waiver and for people to make eye contact,
and then look away, and then come back.
It just fades in and out depending on the level of connection
and whatever everybody's talking about.
If someone is really trying to control the narrative,
and control the conversation,
and sell you on the truthfulness of their story,
they're going to go out of their way to make more eye contact
than they would normally.
It's important for you to understand what level of eye contact
is normal for him and is normal in the context of your relationship,
and then ask yourself,
"Is the way that he's communicating with me and is the way that he's holding
my gaze here, is that congruent with how he normally is?"
If it's not, if he is looking away more than usual,
or if he's looking directly at you more than usual,
that's again, another red flag
that he might either struggling to connect with you
because he's lying or he's really trying to sell the fact that he's lying to you.
Now, this next sign is a verbal one and that is the raising of the voice.
When a man is feeling anxious, when a man is feeling nerves,
his vocal cords will actually contract and you will have him raise his voice
to try to deal with that in real time.
One of the ways that a raised voice will be used most often is in conjunction
with an aggressive or defensive statement that's meant to push you back
and put you on the defense in the conversation.
"I can't believe that you would accuse me of that.
How can you think that of me?" If he starts raising his voice
in a way that is not normal and not usual for the way you two communicate,
it's definitely something to look at.
This next cue is another nonverbal one and it's when a man uses
pointing or other aggressive gestures in his conversation towards you.
That is, again, the best defense is a good offense.
A man will do that nonverbally and either subconsciously
or consciously try to intimidate you and put you back on your heels
by using his body and using his gestures to intimidate you in that way.
Especially look for if a man is pointing at you in an accusatory way.
That's often the sign of a guilty party.
Trust me on this one.
I used to be a lawyer and I've seen a lot of liars in court.
This next sign is a really interesting verbal one.
It's when a man slows down his speech
and does things like eliminate contractions.
Instead of a man saying "I wasn't there," he might say,
"I was not there, Sharon."
[chuckles]
You see what he did there? Instead of saying "wasn't",
he said "was not",
and he slowed down the delivery of the language,
because that is, again, a great stalling tactic,
it adds dramatic effect to his statement, it's more aggressive,
so it's either going to buy him time or put you on the defensive enough
that maybe you'll back off asking him whatever question
it is that you're asking him.
Look at this, you all.
We have covered three lying principles and seven powerful signs that a man
is lying and I've got one more to share with you,
but before I share that last one,
by far the most powerful and most important one
that you have access to, let's look at what we've covered so far.
The three lying principles are that actions speak louder than words,
that the best defense is a good offense,
and that time is a liar's best friend.
Those are universal principles that you can use anytime a man
is speaking with anything he's saying.
If it triggers one of those, it's something you want to look at deeper.
The seven signs we've covered to tell if a man is lying are,
one, if he is repeating back your questions to you as a question.
On top of that, he's asking you little follow-up questions
to try to put you on the defensive.
Two, he keeps looking or angling towards his escape route,
whether it be a door or a window, with his body,
with his eyes, with his shoes, with his toes.
He's always angling towards that escape route,
that's a good sign you know he's lying.
Three, he repeats back his own statements and justifications,
especially if he feels stuck
and he needs time to come up with some more details.
Four, he makes too much eye contact and an attempt to control the conversation
or maybe he makes too little eye contact because he's really uncomfortable
trying to sell the story.
The fifth sign that a man might be lying to you is that he's raising his voice
and he doesn't even realize it.
The sixth sign that a man might be lying to you is if he's pointing
or using other aggressive gestures.
These are all designed to put you on your heels,
intimidate you, and get you to back off
of what it is that you're trying to ask him about.
The seventh sign that a man might be lying to you is that he's slowing down
his speech and he is eliminating all contractions.
It's not that he wasn't at the party last night,
he was not at that party, Deborah.
Now, it's time for the bonus tip.
The most powerful sign that you can tell if a man is lying to you
is if you consistently at your gut level
don't feel good about what his explanations are
and what he's sharing with you.
This is your intuition.
This is a superpower that you possess right now.
It's okay to occasionally feel a little off
about a man's actions or what he's up to.
It's okay if that happens occasionally.
Everybody has moods,
but if you are consistently feeling uncomfortable or unsafe with a way a man
is acting and the justifications he's giving you
for why he's doing what he's doing, then chances are,
that's you at a deeper intuitive level picking up on his dishonesty.
It's trying to signal to you, "Hey, there is danger here.
It is time to protect yourself." I want to end with that last point,
that trusting yourself and listening to your own intuition
is the greatest asset and tool you have when it comes to determining
if a man is lying to you or not.
I hope that these three principles and these eight signs
are going to help you be able to detect if a man is lying to you in your life.
Here's the last thing I want to say on this subject,
is that just because a man is lying to you about something,
it doesn't mean that he's evil.
It's human nature sometimes for us to lie,
especially if we have shame around something,
especially if we're afraid of a reaction or response from you.
Maybe he just wanted to spend some time with his buddies,
but he was scared to ask you for it because he didn't want to have a fight
with you and so he makes up a story about having to go visit his mother
or his grandmother or something.
Does that mean that it's right? Absolutely not,
but just because a man is being dishonest with you,
it's not necessarily grounds to immediately completely throw him
under the bus or feel totally betrayed by him.
If you can catch a man in being dishonest and then bring it up with him in a way
that really facilitates a vulnerable conversation or dialogue with him,
it can lead to greater levels of intimacy and vulnerability with him
and you guys can work through whatever caused him
to lie in the first place.
If he's doing it from a malicious place and he's doing it to hurt you
or control you or manipulate you, then perfect.
That is a great time for you to cut him loose.
I hope you enjoyed this video.
If you did, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that's going to make a huge difference
in your relationships and connections with men.
Thanks so much for swinging by and I'll see you in my next video.
Bye-bye.