>> THE MOST CONTENTIOUS ELECTION IN U.S. HISTORIES.
>> STILL HOURS UNTIL THE POLLS CLOSE.
>> THE UGLIEST CAMPAIGN WE'VE EVER SEEN.
>> THE NATION STILL REELING FROM THE DEADLIEST PANDEMIC EVER
SEEN.
>> THE QUESTION ALL OF AMERICA IS ASKING: ARE WE ( BLEEP ).
>> WITH MILLIONS OF MAIL-IN BALLOTS STILL TO BE COUNTED, CNN
IS NOW READY TO PROJECT... TOO EARLY TO CALL.
>> TOO EARLY TO CALL, HUH?
WAIT TILL THEY GET A L LOAD OF M ( LAUGHING )
>> THIS ELECTION, SO HISTORIC, SO CRUCIAL.
WHO WILL THE PEOPLE CHOOSE?
PERHAPS A PRESIDENT WHO DOES NOT WISH TO MURDER ME.
ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
>> SORRY TO INTERRUPT, WORLD, IT'S YOUR ONCE AND FUTURE
PRESIDENT HERE, WITH AN IMPORTANT ELECTION UPDATE.
I SMELL A LANDSLIDE!
( CHEERING ).
>> EXCUSE ME, SENATOR, MASKS ARE REQUIRED BEYOND THIS POINT.
>> OH, SILLY ME.
OFF TO THE ( BLEEP ) PIT.
I HAVE DEFEATED THE CHINA VIRUS!
AND NOW, HERE TONIGHT, I WILL DEFEAT THE CHINA BIDEN.
BILL BARR, LET'S CLOSE THE POLLS!
>> YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP )?
WHY ARE YOU NAKED?
>> WE'RE ON SHOWTIME.
I CAN SHOW FULL FRONTAL, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
NOW, LET'S LOOK THEM UP.
>> TIME TO PUT THE "DICK" IN "DICTATOR."
♪ ♪ ♪ SEE, AMERICA, A LANDSLIDE!
TONIGHT, WE CELEBRATE ON THE STREETS OF D.C. THIS DEMOCRACY.
>> Stephen: BREAKING NEWS, I AM NOW LOCKED IN A POLLING PLACE
WITH HUNDREDS OF VOTERS, AND ONLY ONE BATHROOM.
IT SEEMS CHILI WAS A BAD LUNCH CHOICE.
THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND: WHERE IS JOE BIDEN?
>> I'M AWAKE!
AM I PRESIDENT YET?
>> NO, IT'S THE JOE SIGNAL.
WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> THERE'S A TRAIN COMING?
I HAVE TO GET MY BAGS!
>> NO, DEMOCRACY IS IN JEOPARDY!
>> OH, RIGHT, THE THING.
TO THE BIDEN BASEMENT.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( "Y.M.C.A." )
>> WHAT A LANDSLIDE, HUH, FOLKS?
HERE'S YOUR STUPID STIMULUS, SUCKERS!
♪ YOUNG MAN, GET YOURSELF OFF THE GROUND ♪
READ IN THE CORONAVIRUS.
DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOU.
DON'T BE AFRAID!
YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL 20 YEARS YOUNGER!
♪ I SAID YOUNG MAN, WHEN YOU'RE SHORT ON... ♪
>> MEGA-MAY GO-MEGA.
MONEY-MONEY-MONEY.
WHO DO YOU TRUST?
ME?
I'M GIVING AWAY FREE VACCINES.
( LAUGHING ) ERIC HELP ME OUT!
AND WHERE IS JOE BIDEN?
HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS MASK!
>> I GOT ICE CREAM ON IT, GEEZ!
FOCUS, JOE, TIME TO SUIT UP!
TO THE BIDEN MOBILE!
COME ON!
WE'VE GOT TO STOP HIM.
>> HERE TEAR GAS ASS IS GRASS.
>> WHY IS HE NAKED?
>> IT'S SHOWTIME, JOE!
>> ALL RIGHT,.
>> REDACT THIS, BITCH!
>> THIS IS TURNING ME ON!
>> WE'VE BEEN FREED, AND JUST IN TIME TO USE THE LITTLE ANCHOR'S
ROOM.
>> SKIPETY-DO FOLKS.
>> E.T., GO VOTE!
>> DUMP TRUMP.
>> I KNEW HE WAS JUICEIN'.
>> COME ON, YOU SLEEPY BASTARD!
TIME TO STOP THE MALARKEY, YOU LYING DOG-FACED PONY CLOWN!
LET'S SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN.
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU TO GO AWAY, 130,000.
>> YOU CAN MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO PERRY CUOMO.
>> I GUESS WE'RE DOING THIS.
>> REPORTER, JUST YOU AND ME NOW.
MONO E-- ERIC!
>> I LOVE YOU, DAD!
>> YOU LOSE, JOE.
>> WHATEVER HAPPENED-- UGH!
TO DEMOCRACY?
>> MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> NOT SO FAST.
PERSON.
>> WOMAN.
>> MAN.
>> CAMERA.
TV.
AND WE'RE LIVE.
>> DEMOCRACY DON'T DIE THAT EASY, JACK.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE STILL GOT A SAY WHO WINS AND WHO LOSES.
>> STAY BACK!
I GOTTA STAY PRESIDENT!
I'M 400 MILLION IN DEBT TO SOME REALLY BAD UKRAINIANS!
NOW PUT THE DEMOCRACY DOWN, AND NOBODY GETS HURT.
OH, MAN, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!
BA-BA-BING.
>> IT'S RIGGED!
THEY'RE ALL RIGGED!
A-HA-HA-HA!
I HATE EVERYBODY!
WHAT ABOUT HILLARY'S EMAILS?
>> YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS SAID IT WAS GOING TO DISAPPEAR.
>> LIKE A MIRACLE.
( SPLASH ) >> NEW PRESIDENT!
>> OH, CRAP, THIS AIN'T OVER!
EVERYONE KEEP COUNTING THE VOTES!