- So I've been dealing with a little bit of anxiety
and my therapist recommended I get
an emotional support animal to take to work with me.
But it turns out that animals make me anxious.
So, I came up with a better idea.
- Um, hello? Presidential announcement.
One, two, three. Eyes on me.
Quiet coyote.
Hi everyone.
I brought you here today
to announce that I now have an emotional support guy.
- Oh, hey! Gus Johnson. What's up dude?
- Hey, shh!
Sorry. Can you please not talk to him?
He's working right now.
Also, don't pet him and don't feed him any snacks.
- Nice job, dude. Great job laying down the rules.
Ooh, big and strong!
- This is fucking weird.
- Oh, shoot! Ian I'm so sorry.
I got a family emergency. I gotta take off early.
My aunt is a leaving for the fighting pits.
- Oh my God. Are you gonna let him talk to you like that?
He's just talking to you just like that
in your place of work.
Are you gonna let him talk to you like that?
- I don't know.
- So go tell him! Assert yourself.
- Tell him what?
- Well tell him he can't do that.
Um Damien, you...
You...no.
You can't.
- I'm not allowed to say
that my aunt is entering a fighting arena?
- Oh my God,
that's the bitchiest response I've heard all week.
Okay, you can't let him say that.
Make him do pushups. Pretend it was your idea.
- We can all hear you.
- Okay, that's it. Pushups for everybody, okay?
Demand it!
- Okay, uh...
- Come on, come on!
- Pushups, everyone (claps).
It's time to do pushups.
Pushups time, do it now.
- [Ian] No, what is he doing?
- [Gus] He's walking away.
He's walking out.
- I'm losing him, man what do I do?
- Project a little bit!
Okay, stop doing the Naruto thing!
Stand up straight.
One second, can we get one second here
in this goddamned day?
(speaking to Ian) Okay, that's fine.
Okay, we'll work on it.
(speaking gibberish)
You're gonna miss having 10 fingers,
you're gonna have six to eight at most after this.
- Let's go get coffee.
- You wanna get coffee? - Yeah.
I haven't had enough today.
- [Gus] Tell me who's handsome.
- [Ian] Uh, John Stamos.
- [Gus] John Stamos? You're handsome.
You're the handsome one.
- I guess Gus being Ian's emotional support guy
makes me uncomfortable.
But not more than other things Ian has done.
This one time he touched my dog's butt,
and I aint like it.
I'm still pissed.
It's okay, Pork Chop.
- I have no idea what's going on,
but I think I'm going to keep it that way.
Kay, so I think we need to shorten page three.
(Ian moaning)
- But is that the clown bit? I love that bit.
(Ian continuing to moan)
- I think the clown bit is kind of funny.
If we could expand on that, that would be really great.
- You know what? Actually I don't like the clown bit.
(Ian moaning loudly)
If we could just take it out.
- What did you say?
- Okay, if you're just gonna mutter all meeting
that's fine, but we'd love to hear what's going on,
if that's okay. Could you speak up a little please?
- Ian are you going to chime in at all?
You called us in here.
- Whoa!
Mamma!
- Don't get me wrong,
I just love having another white guy in office.
But he's hyping up Ian and all the worst ways.
He threatened me with pushups. I don't do pushups!
Why should I? See these nice little pistols?
- I don't think Gus is actually certified
to be emotional support guy,
because he's just encouraging Ian to be a dick.
I bet your dog and my cats could like actually be friends.
- Do you wanna have a play date then or something?
- Yes - That would be dope!
- Should we make it like themed?
- Heck, yeah!
- And then we could wear like sweater vests?
- (coughs) Excuse me. I'm tall.
I usually feel insecure doing "Try Not to Laugh",
but I'm feeling pretty confident now
with this newfound support.
- (clapping loudly) Yes dude! Gimme five!
Oh! First of all, ow! Couple of broken fingers in here.
- Oh no, I guess I'm strong. - Hold on.
What's that smell?
- What is it?
- That's just not your natural breath is that?
- Is it good?
- It's, oh my God it smells like a woodland beaver!
It's strong. And you know what the beaver does, right?
- What? (Gus claps loudly)
- He slaps tail.
And you gonna get out there and slap some tail today?
- I don't know. What does that mean?
- Are you going to get out there and slap some tail today?
Yes or no?
- (stammers)
- Uh is not a word, guy!
You can say yes.
Go ahead and say it
to the rooftops on three, two, one.
- [Both] Yes!
- I'm gonna slap some tail!
(bell ringing)
(Courtney making weird noises)
- Oh ho ho, I heard you were a good little b-boy.
(bell dinging)
- Good job. - Yes!
- Good job. You did it.
- B-boy Santa!
- Yeah, I got it. Good job.
- Thanks.
- Good job. Okay, Keith are you ready to laugh?
( Gus laughing loudly)
(bell dinging)
- That was so funny!
That was so funny I couldn't
even keep this water contained in my mouth! (laughs loudly)
(bell dinging)
- That's not even how the game works, man!
- Gus you have to wait your turn.
- [Ian] Oh no. Gus doesn't get a turn.
- If you're here you have to.
Why don't you go, Gus?
Try to make me laugh.
- Uh, I don't know if I should, maybe.
Oh, okay. No!
- He can't do it.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Ian is so funny though.
He can go for me.
- Fine, I'm fine. - He can go twice.
- Thanks.
(aggressively gargling water)
- As my emotional support guy,
Gus has to be less funny than me.
It's in his contract.
- Um (clears throat) my cousin is missing.
Um.
- Come on, you're supposed to be funny.
Make him laugh.
- My cousin, Eleanor, is missing and we can't find her.
Um okay. Let me try to do a character.
- Yeah try that.
- Okay, um,
Hi, my name is Andrew and I work in finance.
I crunch the numbers around here.
I don't know where this is.
There's a calculator on my desk.
I can't do this!
I can't do this. I'm trying to be funny
and Ian says I'm not supposed to be funny,
and I'm trying my best and I don't.
It's (beep) stupid.
- Gus, Oh my God!
- I guess I win.
(bell dinging and children cheering)
I guess I win.
- I'm uh, I guess I'm just not funny.
I really tried hard to be at the end there,
I thought I was being a little funny,
but I guess I'm not funny and I'm no good at all. So.
- Gus. - What?
- What's going on?
- I'm just not funny and nobody likes me and I'm like,
I'm just a piece of (beep).
- You're losing it, man.
- I'm just not good, man.
I need you to hype me up.
I need some hype
and some some positive love right now, please.
So bad.
- I'm sorry, Gus but I can't, I contractually can't.
- Why'd I sign that?
Can you please try?
- [Ian] No.
But, I can set you free.
- A sock? For Gus?
- Mhm.
You're free now.
Go be your own emotional support guy.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't need somebody else. I just need me.
I could just hype up me.
I am good enough.
I rock.
And I'm not talkin' about the country.
Okay, come on. You're good enough Gus.
You're good enough. You got this.
Kay, you don't need anybody.
It doesn't matter if everybody thinks
that you're a less strong Shayne.
You're just your own guy.
Ian's a bad guy.
He's sucking, he's just sucking the life force out of you.
He's just a black hole of happiness.
Okay, don't let him bring you down.
Just keep it up.
Please keep it up. Keep it up. Keep it up.
Come on, it doesn't matter that your dad's a CPA
that cut you off a couple years back.
Okay, you can get some cash.
There's that Jollibee that's hiring.
Maybe you can go there if this whole
"Try Not to Laugh" thing doesn't work out.
That's fine.
I think this IBS is acting up again.
I gotta toot at work and then
I'm gonna have to take a (beep) in the break room,
people are gonna be able to tell.
(soft piano music)
- [Man] A moment with God.
- I have three kids. I hate all of them.
They're little orbs.
- [Man] A moment with God.
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