No one is born knowing what to do with their emotions, but it is a skill that can be learned.
In the last three videos we learned that the most effective way to help kids with anxiety
is to teach parents how to think about anxiety differently and to stop shaming their kids about
it or protecting their kids from it. Instead, parents show their kids that anxiety is okay
to feel and then coach their kids on how to break down scary tasks into achievable skills. In this
video you'll learn a bunch of tools that can help your anxious kids in a really practical
way. So if you were to ask. "But what do I do?" here are some things you can do. And again,
if you haven't seen part one, two, and three, go check those out as well.
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First thing
you can do is to help your child predict and rehearse how they'll respond to a stressor. So
recently I went on a cruise with my sensitive, kind-of-anxious eight-year-old. And one windy,
cool morning we were going snorkeling. Right? Before we were getting ready to get in I had
this flash of a memory. My first time snorkeling I was about her age. And I had stuck my face in
the water, and it got cold, and I got water in my snorkel, and I coughed and I choked and
I immediately gave up. But later as an adult I found that snorkeling is one of my most favorite
activities in the world. And today it was cold and windy. I thought my daughter might be scared.
She was really nervous, and I've seen her flip out and give up before. So I took a moment and I
told her the story of my first time snorkeling and how I got scared and gave up. I told her,
you know, "Today it's a little windy. The ocean has some waves. It might seem a little cold.
Um the first time you try to breathe through a snorkel it might feel a little weird. So let's
just practice right here on the shore. Good, good." And then I did some predicting for her
so that she knew what to expect. I told her, you know, "When you put your face in the water you
might feel a little shock at first. Then it's going to take a little practice to get used
to it." And I and I asked her, you know, "Will you let me help you? And will you keep trying,
even if it takes a few tries to figure it out?" So she agreed and we just took it like tiny steps at
a time. And meanwhile my husband is like trying to do the same thing with our five-year-old, and
the three-year-old and the baby are crying on the beach with like my in-laws. And, you know, it's
hard as a parent to keep your cool when everything feels like so intense all the time, but - and
there's a lot of times I have not done this. But this, like this is one of the times that I did,
so that's why I'm telling you this story. Right? So she was cold in the water at first. She was
scared of like the little fish around her ankles. But we like little by little got used to them. And
then she put her face in, and she got nervous and pulled it out. And then we readjusted her mask,
and then she was able to keep her face in the water when she put it in. And then basically for
the first like 10 minutes I like held her with two arms, and she like held me with two arms,
and like, you know, we looked around a little bit. But she was like terrified. And we're both
like kind of swimming, but kind of not. Right? And she wanted to escape at first. She wanted
to run away. But I gently helped her stay. We get better at that, and we're snorkeling, and she's
starting to get the hang of it. She's enjoying it. Right? And then there's these big stingrays. And
um this is a controlled snorkeling experience, where the stingrays and the sharks are safe. Okay.
Um she didn't want to touch the stingrays, um and she didn't want to go anywhere near the shark
area. And I did not force anything. But we had like half an hour. So little by little she's like
doing all the things. Right? She's swimming around by herself, and she's like gleefully looking at
all the cool stuff, and by the end of it she touched the stingray, she swam over and looked
at the sharks and did all of these cool things and had an amazing experience. Right? Predicting
for her and helping her walk through what it would be like before the event really helped
her have an incredible experience. So predicting can be a really powerful way to help kids develop
the skills to face anxiety. Okay. Number two: create a safe and consistent environment. So
your relationship is the number one thing that helps your child feel safe, but second to that
consistent routine is really powerful. So when your morning and evening routines are consistent
and predictable, your child learns what to expect. When you consistently expect them to go to school
or do their homework, the uncertainty is gone, and that can really help them decrease their anxiety
and step up to the task at hand. Okay. Number three: mantras can be really helpful. It's like a
family rallying cry. It could be something like, oh, "I can feel scared and do it anyway" or "I
can do hard things" or "You can't turn off scared, but you can turn up brave." My kids came home from
Grandma's Camp saying "McAdams do hard things" and this little cheer that went with it. So remember,
we aren't just telling kids like get over it, be tough, but instead we're fostering resilience by
paying attention to their ability to face their fears and overcome challenges with our support.
Okay. Next: acting it out. We can do this with our kids by talking about what they can expect,
like what you can expect at the doctor's office. We'll talk about it, but we can also do this by
acting it out with little toys. And it can be fun to do like a role reversal, like your
child can play the parent and you can play the child. So you can just imagine like a little Paw
Patrol scenario: "Oh, look, Marshall's afraid to go to bed. In comes Rocky. 'Hey, Marshall.
I know you're feeling nervous, but you are safe. Let's sing a song before we go to bed.'" Right?
You can also like have your kid draw a picture of a kid facing their fear and how they overcame it.
And that can just be really helpful to help them kind of visualize what it looks like when things
go well, how you'll accomplish your goal, and how good your child will feel. Okay. Another skill,
something you can do is to notice the worry thoughts. Like, give them a name to say like,
"Oh, hi there little worry thought. Seems like you always like to show up at bedtime."
Or like normalize worry thoughts. Say something, oh, say to your child like, "Oh, did you know,
like everyone has a little worry voice, even me!" Or like for example, if your child is
really anxious about a fire drill, you could say something like, "Oh, are your worries talking
really loudly today?" So basically what we're doing is we're kind of like thinking of like that
fear guy in Inside Out. We we all have parts, and fear and worry is one of our parts. We don't need
to push this part of us away. We can have lots of parts. And instead, befriend each of them.
We don't always have to listen to them. We don't have to agree with them. We don't have to do what
they tell us. Instead, we coach our children to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings and then
make a choice about what action they'll take. So after acknowledging the worry thought you
could say something like, "Oh, are there any other thoughts too? Like, is there anything
in there that says, 'Oh, maybe I should try' or 'You've been able to do this in the past.'" Right?
So we can just notice these different thoughts. Help your child see them as thoughts and realize
we don't have to believe every thought that we have. Okay. Next, you can create a shame-proof
environment in your home by telling stories about yourself. Tell stories about times where you felt
nervous, times when you were scared, times when you avoided something and regretted,
it times when you faced your fears and did it anyway. Tell stories about the mistakes you've
made and what you've learned from them. Just make it normal to be learning about emotions and that
you can grow through them. Another thing that's important to do is lots and lots of emphasis
around successes. So like, "Oh, you slept in your bed all by yourself. I'm so proud of you. I knew
you could do it." You can like hang up pictures of their brave actions. Tell the story of them facing
their fears over and over again. And this works because what you pay attention to, you get more
of. So if you put a lot of attention on the things they're scared of, they'll get more scared. And if
you put a lot of attention on the things that they accomplished and their successes, they'll feel
more resilient. Another thing you can do is create a safe space for your kids, like a book full of
happy photos they choose or a comfortable blanket or a chair where they can calm down and recharge.
You could also help your kid develop good physical health. So physical health is essential to mental
health. Kids and and adults are less resilient when they're tired or hungry or when they've had
too much sugar. So just make sure your child gets enough sleep, exercise, and sunlight. Make sure
they have time to play with their friends and also down time to relax. Don't keep them too busy. And,
you know, you want to try when possible to help them eat healthy food. And consider
a vitamin supplement. You can also teach them some skills to calm themselves down, like deep
breathing and how to self-soothe. Learning how to soothe your body can be a really powerful. Now,
I've got a whole course on this: Grounding Skills for Anxiety. Or you can search on the
internet for videos on like belly breathing, and then just practice them on your own,
and then you can teach them to your kids. And that can help them regulate that fear response. You can
also help them soothe and regulate their nervous system by hugging them and touching them, with
eye contact or talking calmly with them. And this is called co-regulation, and it's one of the most
powerful ways to regulate emotions. Okay. Next, clarify which choices they can make and which
ones you choose for them. So for example, yes, you must wear a seatbelt. You must go to the doctor,
and you must go to school. It's not a choice you have to avoid school. But you can choose,
you know, if you want support there and what type of support. But you must go. You can choose to not
watch a movie if it's too scary. You can choose if you don't want to do the big slide or the high
dive yet. You can choose when you want to do those or when you want to take off your training wheels.
Right? You can give them as much autonomy and with with that kind of choice as possible. But
with other choices, don't put it in their lap. You you are the parent, and you get to say, "Yes,
you must wear your seatbelt. Yes, you must go to the doctor." Okay. Lastly, sometimes anxiety
is about getting attention from mom and dad. It's still a real emotion. It's not that they're being
manipulative; it's that your child has a need for connection, and they have a need for closeness,
and if we aren't intentional, your child may find that the way they get your attention the most to
get that need met is through being scared, and that's when you give them attention. So instead,
show them that they can get that need for closeness and connection met in a positive
way. The most important thing in the world to a kid is their connection with their mom and dad,
so sometimes subconsciously a child begins to notice that when they're scared or anxious that
their mom or dad is fully engaged with them, fully present, holding them and hugging them
and helping them, but when they're just chilling and happy and they're playing, their parent's
looking at their phone or busy with housework. So it can be helpful to plan in a consistent
one-on-one time with them where they have your full attention and the two of you do something
positive together. You send the message that, "We can connect in a really intense, fun way,
not just when you're anxious." And I would just say schedule this in so that you make sure that
it happens. And you you might be surprised at how many problems this prevents. So this is called,
in psychology terms, a child-directed interaction, and it's one of the most prescribed interventions
for parents of anxious kids. Okay. So I hope that's helpful. I hope that gives you a bunch
of things you can do to help your child with anxiety. Thank you for watching, and take care.
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