[extended drum solo]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
It's a lot more pressure than playing the gong.
That's Kelvin, and he really blew that drum solo.
Too bad he wasn't one of those homeless bucket drummers.
They can just turn their instrument over
anytime they feel queasy.
In high school, being in a band gets you laid,
but being in the band is like
punting your virginity till college.
I'm all for cutting school music programs.
Why should millions of my hard-earned tax dollars
go to a bunch of tuba playing slobs
dressed like Cap'n Crunch?
The truth is, dorks only join the band
because they don't like eating lunch alone.
Plus an empty trombone case is the perfect place
to hide an assault rifle.
And why are football stadiums wasting
200 of the best seats on the band?
Fire up the Spotify on the sound system
and free up that section
for people who actually understand how the sport works.
I say force the band to march around
in the bathrooms during halftime.
That's where everyone is,
and it will mask the sounds of all the beer [bleep].
But if Kelvin wants a career where the best he can hope for
is being the guy who pleads with the audience
to laugh after Jimmy Fallon's painful punchlines,
I'll fly him to Hollywood,
for this week's Web Redemption.
Were you rushing or were you dragging?
I wasn't even playing.
Technically that's dragging.
And if you dare sabotage my band,
I will [bleep] you like a pig.
Now, try it again.
They're drumsticks, not chopsticks,
you nauseating, no-talent, [bleep] rag.
Shouldn't you be playing a string instrument?
I'll find my tempo out of one of you [bleep]
if it takes all goddamn night.
Switch!
Get out of my class!
What did you think of the movie
I liked it.
It's kind of an obscure movie
for us to parody, though,
wouldn't you agree?
Not so much in terms of the video and me, I guess.
But how many people do you think that watch my stupid show
actually saw the movie
- You're right. - Where you from?
I'm from Montreal.
How long ago was that video?
Summer of 2008.
- 2008? - Yeah.
Oh, wow.
I can't do math.
You can probably help me.
Let me talk about that video for a second,
First of all,
who put it online?
I put it online a few years ago.
- So well after the fact. - Yeah.
What made you post it then?
I guess I may have wanted this--some girl's attention.
I like where this is going.
You were interested in a girl that digged puking.
- No. - Oh?
That never--
On my time.
I played a solo--
Not quite.
Not quite, all right?
I played my solo--
Bull[bleep].
If Adebisi were here,
he would skull [bleep] you into next week.
Go ahead.
One, one, one, one, one, one, one.
- I'm so lost. - Kelvin!
Did you like Calvin and Hobbes, Kelvin?
No, not really, because my name's not Calvin, it's Kelvin.
I don't know what you want me to say.
Seriously.
So tell me what happened in that video.
It was a summer band camp.
Being a tour band,
whenever we would have to eat,
we would typically not have much time
and rush to eat.
So anyway, everybody got their usual crappy food
that comes in boxes and stuff.
Sure.
But since it was the final concert,
they said that they would treat the staff
to fast food.
Whoa, okay, so normally it's awful food,
and now you got to step up to fast food.
- Exactly. - Wow, that is terrifying.
But I didn't want just any fast food.
I wanted, like, the royal fast food.
What did you get over there at Burger King?
'Cause you can have it your way.
I got a big Whopper.
You had a Whopper. That's disgusting.
Then you had to wolf it down.
And already at the intermission,
I knew I wasn't feeling so good,
but it didn't matter,
because my piece was coming up,
and I had to do it,
after throwing up from the solo,
I threw up way more outside of the theater.
What? Did anybody film this?
No, but there's a photo.
Ah, can we get that photo?
- You can. - Thank you.
(Kelvin) And the next day at lunch,
I threw up everywhere.
What is going on with you?
It was a huge, like, just plate--tray of vomit.
Have you gone to a doctor?
I think you have real problems.
Just a bit of weak stomach.
Were your parents in attendance?
My mom was there, yeah.
Oh, thank goodness your father wasn't there.
He would have had to kill himself
because of the shame you brought to the family.
Do you attribute your natural rhythm
to having a black guy's first name?
I would not say I do.
Do you hit the skins for the hell of it,
or for the yell you get,
or mm, mm, mm, for the smell of it?
I'd say for the mm, mm, mm of it.
Kelvin, thanks to me,
you're ready for the most prestigious gig
a percussionist can ever hope for:
a gig on the Vegas strip.
You really think I have what it takes?
No, but we're talking about a city
where watching a pilled-up Britney Spears
lip-synching hits from 10 years ago
is considered a good show.
Good point.
You haven't been before?
You guys are in trouble.
(male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen.
They're part percussion, part fetish porn.
The sickest drummers on the strip,
the Flu Man Group.
Start the show.
[dramatic percussion]
♪ ♪
[retching]
[laughs]
Why aren't you puking?
Let it out!
Elvis is dead again.
You got a little-- you got a little--
This is your big break!
Let it out!
Puke.
Puke!
Kelvin.
Hit me.
Damn it.
I got bad seats again.
I'm completely dry.
Ugh.
[bleep] you, StubHub.
That ought to quench your puke appetite for a few weeks,
you simpletons.