Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Thank you for tuning in.
Thank you for being here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Well, guys, today, the C.E.O. of Pfizer said that
its vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in March.
So get ready for the craziest St. Patrick's Day
in the history of the world.
[Irish accent] Omicron!
[Normal voice] Pretty soon, the C.E.O. of Pfizer
is going to be on Instagram Live like,
"New vaccine just dropped.
Sound off in the comments! What?!"
It feels like this March Madness,
we'll be filling out brackets to predict
which of the 68 variants become the dominant strain.
Listen to this.
According to the CDC, only 1 in 10 adults in the U.S.
eat enough fruits and vegetables.
Good timing on this news, CDC.
It sort of feels like their version of
"Hey, what's over there?"
"There's a bird. Look, there's a bird."
Yep, the CDC says adults should eat 2 to 3 cups
of vegetables a day.
Wait. Now they're saying 4 to 5.
No, wait. No, now they're saying only 1.
Basically, barely 1 or 2. You're fine with 1.
Yeah, we'll figure it out.
I heard that Tesla's self-driving program
now offers three different modes that control behaviors,
like rolling stops, running yellow lights,
and how close you are to follow other drivers.
And they have three modes.
They're called Chill, Average, and Assertive.
And this is fun.
You can also hit Mood Swing and try all three at random.
And I also heard that some Honda and Acura models
have been hit with a bug that resets their clocks
20 years in the past.
The company could tell something was up
when drivers seemed happy.
It's crazy. People were driving along.
Then, all of a sudden,
the radio would only play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Yeah. Get this.
I saw that nearly 15,000 pounds of Walmart beef sticks
have been recalled because they forgot to label
a potential allergen.
Yep, Walmart beef sticks must now have a label
that says "Warning -- you're eating Walmart beef sticks."
Oh.
-Oh. Oh, okay. -Yeah.
Apparently, a supermarket chain in the U.K. is getting rid of
the "use by" dates on its milk
and encouraging customers to use the sniff test.
Yep, here's how it works in every house.
You grab a carton and immediately go,
"Honey, does this smell bad to you?"
And, finally, a farmer in Turkey is having his cows
wear V.R. goggles that simulate green pastures
so that they'll be less anxious.
Take a look at this.
It's real.
Yeah, the cow doesn't make any more milk,
but it is really good at the new game "Beef Saber."
Well, guys, today, New York -- New York City got slammed
with an Arctic blast, causing wind chills
around zero degrees, making it one of New York City's
coldest day in years. Yep.
You can't see it at home, but right now,
the entire audience is spooning each other.
[ Laughter ]
Today, even the biggest anti-maskers are like,
"Damn it! Give me one. All right."
[ Laughter ]
"Give me an N95, too."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's that type of cold where the Domino's guy
sits on your pizza while delivering it.
You know -- You know what I'm saying?
-Aww! [ Laughter ]
Eee! -Well, this is exciting.
I saw that the Girl Scouts announced a new partnership
with DoorDash, that will allow their drivers
to deliver Girl Scout cookies.
[ Cheers ] Yeah.
Right now, there's a bunch of 50-year-old drivers like,
"Do I really have to wear the sash?"
[ Laughter ]
"All right, I'll give it a go." [ Laughter ]
I don't know. Is it really buying
Girl Scout cookies if you're not guilted
into ordering as many boxes as your co-workers?
[ Laughter ]
"Really, Kelly bought 10 boxes. Just saying."
If you're keeping track, we can't get rapid tests
to Americans, but Do-Si-Dos? Check.
[ Laughter ]
We figured that out.
Hey, this is fun. The TSA just released
its annual list of the weirdest things that they've confiscated.
And this year's items include a chainsaw
and a burrito filled with meth.
[ Laughter ]
-Whoa! -Yep.
Someone tried flying with a chainsaw.
In fairness, how else can you cut through
the chicken on a United flight? [ Laughter ]
[ Imitating chainsaw running ]
"Looks a little tough. You want a bite of my burrito?"
[ Laughter ]
Well, the pandemic has caused all kinds of shortages
around the world, but Norway's military
is dealing with a very unique one.
Check this out.
-Norway's military faces an extraordinary problem --
a shortage of undergarments.
At the end of their service, recruits must now
turn in their underwear, bras, and socks
so that the next group of servicemembers can reuse them.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
Ew!
-Whether it's the Norwegian military or Norwegian Cruises,
they have the same slogan --
"You're gonna need extra underwear."
[ Laughter ]
I think this is why the military invented "going commando."
[ Laughter ]
What's that? A lifetime achievement award?
That's fantastic. Thank --
Oh, you're not airing it on TV or streaming it?
Oh, okay. I won't say anything.
But, anyways, thank you very much.
No, thank you. Thank you.
-Wow. [ Laughter ]
For those two jokes. -Amazing. Yeah.
Just for that one, I think. -Just for the one joke?
The commando joke? -Yeah.
-Man, good for you. [ Cheers and applause ]
-No, no, not cool.
♪♪
Thank you very much. Hey, guys, get this.
Hulk Hogan's under a lot of fire after he suggested
that the COVID vaccine is to blame
for the recent deaths of some of our biggest celebrities.
As a result, Hulk Hogan has been named
the heavyweight champion of Facebook.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, you're laughing now, but if Trump's re-elected,
he's the new Dr. Fauci.
[ Laughter ]
There was a new episode of "The Bachelor" last night.
You guys watch "The Bachelor"?
[ Cheers and applause ]
There was a pretty dramatic scene between two women,
Shanae and Elizabeth.
Now, the show can get pretty emotional,
and I thought that we could help.
Here's that moment re-voiced with the least emotional person
we know, Siri.
This is, "Let's Get Siri-ous."
[ Applause ]
-I thought you and I were on the same page yesterday.
-We were not on the same page yesterday.
-So, is it you're ADHD,
or is it me that you have a problem with?
-I think this is really inappropriate, Shanae.
-So, are you telling everyone in the house you have ADHD?
-You already brought it to the attention of the girls.
-I didn't tell anyone you have ADHD.
I have ADHD. -You absolutely did tell.
-I mean, [bleep] little kids have ADHD.
-Okay.
-And I think you're using that as an excuse.
-I really don't appreciate how you're coming at me,
and if you'd like to apologize to me, I'll do so,
but, unfortunately, I'm not going to engage
in this conversation with you anymore.
-Okay. Well, I'm just saying,
like, I have ADHD, too.
-Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Very -- A lot of drama there.
Well, some more entertainment news.
ABC just announced that, after a three-year hiatus,
this year's Oscars will have a host.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Unfortunately, it's Hulk Hogan. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
"The Oscar, brother, goes --"
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys hear about this?
A federal judge just ruled that U.S. cheese makers
can still make gruyere cheese
even if it doesn't come from the Gruyere region of Switzerland.
Yep. However, the judge said Velveeta still must come from
the Velveeta region of France.
[ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ]
France -- France, New Jersey.
That's right. [ Laughter ]
Hey, if this cheese case is appealed,
it could be heard by the Nacho Supreme Court.
[ Laughter ]
What's that? I'm sorry. What?
Hold on a second.
Another lifetime achievement award?
[ Laughter ] This is unbelievable.
This one will stream. Oh, my gosh.
So people will -- It's on Quibi.
Okay. Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Thank you so much.
Wow. [ Laughter ]
You won't believe -- What a night I've had.
-Wow. [ Laughter ]
-Finally, a woman in Canada was just reunited with her cat
when it turned up at her shelter 12 years after going missing.
[ Audience "Awws" ]
Meanwhile, the cat was like, "What the hell do I have to do
to get away from this lady?"
Today is National Pharmacist Day.
Yeah. To celebrate, pharmacists everywhere were like,
"A Pfizer shot for you and a tequila shot for me.
Here we go. Let's keep it going."
If you want to do something nice for your pharmacist,
you can stop asking them if they have any more
COVID tests in the back.
"Everything we have is out."
Speaking of COVID tests, the State of Florida
let a million COVID tests expire in a warehouse.
But now the FDA has decided to extend the expiration dates.
[ Laughter ]
When they heard that, every New York hot-dog vendor
was like, "Is that really safe to do that?
Because..."
Yeah, the FDA just extended the expiration dates.
When they heard that, the CDC said,
"Hey, making up rules as you go is our thing."
Meanwhile, Florida was like, "You can put any date
on them if you want.
We're still not going to use them.
We don't care. We don't..."
Now, get this.
I saw that grade schools in Massachusetts
are using dogs to sniff out COVID.
So if the dog starts barking,
either you have COVID or Lunchables.
[ Sniffs, growls ]
-"Bologna." -But good news.
If this works, The White House plans to mail everyone
in the U.S. a COVID dog.
That's right. So that's kind of cool.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yesterday, former President Trump
hung up during an interview with NPR.
[As Trump] I've had enough.
[Normal voice] After being challenged on
his baseless election-fraud claims.
Of course, it's not the first time
Trump's hung up on a phone call.
I mean, we actually got ahold of some audio from other ones.
-Really? -Yeah. Take a listen to these.
Very interesting. It's just -- -Wow!
-Quick to the trigger on that. -Wow!
-Switching gears, researchers found that Netflix
has continued to produce content that shows people smoking,
despite making a pledge that they would stop.
Yeah, people don't want Netflix to glorify addiction
while they watch five hours of Netflix every night.
Netflix was like, "We had a doll mow down
300 people in 'Squid Game.'
You're drawing the line at smoking? Okay."
Well, listen to this.
I saw that the Oscars are going to have a host
for the first time in four years.
Yeah, that will be great. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, it turns out a lot of celebrities
are interested in the job, and we actually got
our hands on some leaked audio of their auditions.
Here, take a look at this.
-Oh, man. [ Chuckles ]
I can't believe I'm hosting the Oscars right now.
This is so crazy.
Okay, so, like, here are the nominees for Best Kiss?
Oh, no! I don't think that's an award.
Kissing's, like, pretty tight, though.
[ Beep ]
-Oh, wow! -Wow!
-Wow! This is just -- Look at these bright lights.
-Oh, my God! Those little statues! Wow!
-Wow! -Wow!
-Wow! [ Beep ]
-Great to be here on Hollywood's biggest night, brother.
I read on Facebook that wireless printers give you COVID,
also those Applebee's buzzers, too.
Anyways, the nominees for
Best Technical Direction in a Short Film are, brother...
Oh, wow. [ Cheers and applause ]
"Wow!" -"Wow!"
-Some business news.
Apparently, DIRECTV and Dish Network
are once again in talks to merge.
Yeah, it's taken a while to reach a deal
because neither of them work when it's raining.
That's right -- DIRECTV and Dish Network might merge,
and if they do, maybe they'll be named
Forbes' Most Powerful Company of 2003.
Hey, I heard that Domino's said, this year,
it's expecting unprecedented food-cost increases.
Meanwhile, Papa John's was like,
"As long as ketchup prices stay low, we're fine."
[ Audience groans ]
Oh, come on. He's not watching. [ Laughter ]
And, finally, a pub owner in Ireland
is so tired of hearing about COVID
that he's making any customer who mentions the virus
put 2 euros in the COVID jar.
Yeah, that's not to be confused with the other COVID jar,
a bowl of communal peanuts.
Big news from Washington today
as President Biden finally delivered a major update
on his administration's COVID response.
Yeah, just like most phone updates,
Biden kept hitting "ignore" until he had no choice.
He was like, "Alright. Let's just update.
Give me Kilimanjaro. Whatever it's called."
That's right. Biden announced the U.S.
will soon make high-quality masks available
to all Americans.
And to be sure that everyone wears them,
here are the new masks.
It's Spidey. Yeah.
Spidey. We'll all do that.
That's right. We're all getting masks.
Last year, we got 1,200 bucks.
This year...
cloth and a rubber band.
Yeah, I'll take it.
The White House says N95 masks are the most protective,
which is too bad because I assumed the bedazzled ones
I bought on Etsy were 100% COVID-proof.
I washed it a couple times.
Yeah, the N95 masks should be helpful.
Unfortunately, out of habit, whenever somebody says, "N95,"
Biden calls it out, "Bingo!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
That's the joke of the week.
-Come on. -That's the joke of the week.
That's the one.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, this is interesting.
I read that researchers in Finland created a nasal spray
that they say can protect you from all COVID variants
for eight hours.
[ Scattered cheers ]
When asked about breathing through your mouth,
the company was like, "Uhh...
we didn't think of that, yeah."
"Oh, you're one of those people."
Well, this is big news.
Today, Buckingham Palace announced that Queen Elizabeth
has stripped Prince Andrew of all his royal affiliations.
[ Scattered cheers ]
That's right. She stripped Prince Andrew,
making her far and away the oldest woman
to ever strip Prince Andrew.
[ Audience ohhs ]
That might be the joke -- -Oh, that might be --
That might be the joke -- -That might be --
-That might be the joke.
-Joke of the week, week, week, week!
-Go, go, go, go, go! Go, joke!
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, finally, a city in California
wants to use green lasers to try and drive away
thousands of crows that have become a public nuisance.
But the lasers will backfire when thousands of crows
are replaced by thousands of cats.
Well, guys, let's kick things off with some good news.
According to a new study,
face masks actually make people look more attractive.
[ Laughter ]
So when I say this is a hot crowd, I really mean it.
I mean, this is a hot crowd. That's right.
You are more attractive with a mask,
and you get the bonus of doing
a sexy little striptease on your face.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sultry music plays ]
Whew!
Some news from Washington.
Today President Biden announced a $27-billion program
to repair and replace bridges across the country.
So if your city is celebrating right now,
you should be happy and terrified.
But when Biden's staff found him looking at pictures of bridges,
they were like, "Don't do it, sir!
You can't trust the poll numbers!"
Some more political news.
The Republican Party said that they might not let
their nominees take part in future presidential debates.
Instead, they want candidates to knock each other
off giant rubber balls like the game show "Wipeout."
That would be too bad, if we scrap the debates.
I'll miss watching 90 minutes of Chris Wallace saying,
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen? Gentlemen."
Seriously, it's a shame. I mean, how else are we going to
get high-level political discourse like this?
-Excuse me, Chris. Wait. -Number one. Number two.
-Chris. -Number three.
-They said it would take -- No, you were on number two.
-No.
[ Laughter ]
-Listen to this.
Apparently Walgreens and CVS are shutting down some of their
pharmacies on weekends due to staffing shortages.
Yeah, it's not good.
Now when you go to CVS, there's a self-booster station.
It's just a needle sticking out of the blood-pressure machine.
[ Laughter ]
You put your arms in -- put your arms in two sleeves now.
You can tell CVS values the pharmacists they do have
because they keep them locked in the same plastic case
as the razor blades and Sudafed.
Hey, the NFL playoffs start tomorrow, and I heard
that the Bills-Patriots game in Buffalo could be
one of the coldest playoff games ever
with a wind chill of minus-15 degrees.
You'll know it's cold
when the players huddle up and just stay there.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, ESPN host and former NFL linebacker Bart Scott said
the best thing for players to do before a cold-weather game --
this is real -- is to take Viagra to get their --
to get their blood pumping.
If you go into the locker room after the game,
it looks like the wand shop from Harry Potter.
I'm just saying.
♪♪
-Abracadabra!
-But remember, if the game lasts for more than four hours,
you gotta call your doctor.
I already know that.
But this is -- Thank you. But this is true.
The wind chill in Buffalo could be minus 15.
It's going to be freezing.
Check out the signs that fans are bringing to the game.
This first one says...
This next one says...
And finally this one says...
So keep an eye out for those.
[ Applause ]
Well, everyone's really excited about this.
Today the fifth "Scream" movie hit theaters.
Yeah, the franchise features the most terrifying villain --
someone who always calls instead of just texting.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I read that due to a shortage of PlayStation 5's,
Sony is just going to make more PlayStation 4's.
[ Laughter ]
That's like the guy at Subway saying, "We ran out of new ham,
so I'm just going to give you old ham."
[ Laughter ]
But if you have kids, here's what you do.
You put the PS4 in a PS3 box.
That way, they'll be disappointed
but also happily surprised.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a tortoise that lives on a British island
has been declared the oldest ever at 190 years old.
The tortoise is so old, he takes Viagra
just to get his neck out of his shell.