-♪ ♪ -ANNOUNCER:
yo, democracy, we did it--
it's the 2016 Democratic National Convention.
Let's not get crazy. Night four.
Can we please just vote now?
-♪ ♪ -(cheering, applause)
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Welcome to
I'm Trevor Noah.
And man, what an exciting week.
We've been covering the Democratic National Convention
here in Philadelphia.
-(cheering, applause) -And it has been so much fun.
Everyone, thank you so much for having us.
This is officially our last show here
and, uh, we're ending the week off...
we're ending it off with a-with a great guest.
New Jersey Senator Cory Booker is joining us, everybody.
-(cheering, applause) -I couldn't be more excited.
Couldn't be more excited.
But let's-let's get straight into it.
Let's get straight into it. Last night was officially
the end of the Democratic National Convention,
and, uh, Hillary was excited
that she was finally the nominee,
and, uh, Bill Clinton was just as excited
that there were balloons.
Look how happy he is.
He looks high.
Look at his face.
Look at his face-- he's like, "I...
"I can't believe all these balloons...
Wow, the blue ones and the..."
He's so excited.
And you know what, you know what,
after recent events in the news
and the negative rhetoric of the conventions,
you know, especially in Cleveland, we...
I feel like we all need balloons in our life, you know?
Yeah, that... Because I understand Bill Clinton.
There's no situation in which a balloon is a negative thing.
Balloons bring out the best in us.
We laugh, we feel like kids again.
In fact, in fact, maybe instead of dropping bombs
in the Middle East, maybe America should try
dropping balloons just once. Just once.
-See what happens. -(cheering, applause)
Yeah, because, like, what do you have to lose?
What do you have to lose? I bet even militants would be like,
"We must destroy America... Oh, look-- balloons, balloons!
"Balloons! I'm going to make a bunny.
I'm going to make a bunny."
Yeah, and then that way if America misses its target,
it's not gonna be such a bad thing. You know?
You'd be watching, like, the BBC News and they'd be like,
"Today, 42 civilians were senselessly cheered up
by an American balloon strike."
(cheering, applause)
It's different ways.
And I will tell you, I will tell you,
there is someone who needs balloons in his life--
Donald Trump. Because at the DNC,
Michael Bloomberg dropped a Donald Trump diss track.
Trump says he wants to run the nation
like he's running his business? God help us.
I'm a New Yorker
and I know a con when I see one.
Truth be told,
the richest thing about Donald Trump
is his hypocrisy.
Right, so-so we covered this on the show yesterday.
And one of the biggest discussions
of this election year has been
does Donald Trump have the temperament to be president?
Because being a president-- especially of a nation
in control of nuclear weapons--
requires that you have measured responses.
As a leader of democracy, you can't just lose your (bleep)
at the slightest provocation.
It appears, though,
Cinnamon Hitler didn't get the memo.
Because...
after watching that speech,
he responded like this.
I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard.
I would have hit them... No, no.
I was gonna hit them so... I was all set,
and then I got a call from a highly-respected governor.
"How's it going, Donald?"
I said, "Well, it's going good, but they're really saying
bad things about me. I'm gonna them so hard."
I was gonna hit one guy in particular-- a very little guy--
I was gonna hit this guy so hard his head would spin,
he wouldn't know what the hell happened.
You can bait Donald Trump into anything.
Hey Donald, I bet your hands are too small to give me a hand job.
And he'd be like, "Oh, yeah? Drop those pants.
"Drop those pants.
"Your orgasm's gonna be huge.
"Your... Gimme your... Your orgasm's gonna be huge.
-Huge." -(cheering, applause)
Oh, and by... and by the way,
actually, that-that was something I noticed
watching Donald Trump. Watch him when he speaks--
it-it looks like he's always... he's always
jacking off two tiny penises
when he speaks.
Just watch out for that.
(cheering, applause)
Anyway.
Let's move on to the substance of the convention.
Now, the DNC may be over,
but we are still here in Philadelphia,
and that's because we refuse to leave this great city...
-we refuse to leave this great city... -(cheering, applause)
until we separate the truth from the lies.
And also because Thursday flights were fully booked.
So we turn now to Desi Lydic,
with What the Actual Fact?
-♪ ♪ -(cheering, applause)
Thanks, Trevor.
What a historic week.
For the first time in American history,
a presidential nominee was told to smile more.
And now that the euphoria
around the Democratic National Convention
has slightly subsided, let's take a minute
to analyze some of the speeches from this week.
Wall Street, corporations, and the super rich
are going to start paying their fair share of taxes.
When more than 90% of the gains
have gone to the top one percent,
that's where the money is.
And we are going to follow the money!
(cheering and applause)
Now, quick side note,
Follow the Money is also a sex game
that Donald plays with Melania.
(à la Donald): "You never know where the money will lead."
(à la Melania): "But it always leads same place."
Now, Hillary says that 90% of income gains
have gone to the top one percent,
and that statistic was true
in the first years after the recession.
But not anymore. If we look at the latest data,
only 52% of income
now goes to the richest one percent of the population.
So Hillary's claim is partly true,
because, while this situation is bad,
it's not as bad as it was in 2012.
So I give it Lindsey Lohan's drinking problem.
-(cheering and applause) -Yeah.
Mmm.
Now, let's move on to everyone's coolest social studies teacher,
Senator Elizabeth Warren.
Washington works great for those at the top.
When giant ta... companies
wanted more tax loopholes, Washington got it done.
Now, Elizabeth Warren is accusing Congress
of working with big business to pax... pass tax loopholes,
and she knows all about that, because she supported
a tax loophole that helped medical device companies
in
So even though Warren's claim is true,
she's complaining about something
and pretending like she's not in on it.
So she deserves a Taylor Swift.
(cheering and applause)
Sorry.
Next up, like a well-to-do gay couple,
let's move to Chelsea.
Our son, Aidan, is five and a half weeks old,
-and... -(cheering and applause)
we are so thankful
that he's healthy and thriving.
And, well, we're a little biased,
but we think he's just about the cutest baby in the world.
Aw!
That is a cute baby.
But is it the cutest baby in the world?
No. My baby is.
-(cheering and applause) -Yeah.
Finally, we move on to one of the most remarkable speakers
of the week, First Lady Michelle Obama.
Don't let anyone ever tell you that this country isn't great,
that somehow we need to make it great again,
because this, right now,
is the greatest country on Earth.
The greatest country on Earth.
This one's tough. Technically, America is 36th in math,
27th in literacy, and 41st in life expectancy.
But the first lady specifically said "right now,"
which meant right then,
the moment Michelle Obama was speaking.
And, yeah, during that nonstop mike-drop of a speech,
America
-(cheering and applause) -Yeah.
So...
this statement is true
but only in the exact moment it was said.
Like saying "I love you" mid-orgasm.
Trevor?
Thank you, Desi. Desi Lydic, everybody.
(cheering and applause)
Now, now, there have been a lot of narratives...
there have been a lot of narratives coming out
of this week's DNC. And, uh, for help figuring out
the real story, we're joined now
by Senior Political Correspondents Jordan Klepper,
Hasan Minhaj, and Adam Lowitt, everybody!
(cheering and applause)
Thank you so much, gentlemen, for being here.
Uh, Jordan, you've been watching all week.
What's the best way to sum up the Clinton campaign?
Trevor, let me put this in a way
Philadelphians can identify with.
Hillary Clinton proved this week
that she is just like Rocky Balboa.
Do you have, uh,
Of course we have
We've had it for, like, three years.
Perfect.
So, think about it.
Hillary and Rocky are both lefty scrappers who get no respect.
They both have an old guy who used to criticize them
but is now right in their corner.
And now Hillary is going to train hard, earn our support,
and prove she's the one who can go the distance.
-(humming
Jordan. Jordan. Jordan.
Jordan! Jordan.
Jordan!
You realize Rocky loses.
Does he?
I never get past the training montage.
I just get so jazzed, I jump up,
do, like, 20 jumping jacks, and pass out.
All right. You know what, that was very unhelpful.
Uh, let's go to Hasan Minhaj right now, everybody.
Uh, Hasan, what is your take on Hillary?
Trevor, I got to disagree with Jordan.
Hillary Clinton is not Rocky.
She's
and now she is ready for her second shot at the title.
Yeah. Yeah.
Despite setbacks and the smear campaign being run against her,
this time, she will beat the odds and win.
(humming
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, stop!
Guys, stop! Stop!
Stop, please!
Come on. Have some control.
Let's go to Adam Lowitt now.
Uh, Adam, thank you for joining us.
Hopefully, you can add some substance to this conversation.
Yeah, with pleasure.
Look, I'm sorry, this pandering is ridiculous.
All right?
Come on, crowbarring Hillary
into some dumb, old boxing movie narrative
just 'cause we're in Philadelphia?
You know what, Adam, I'm glad that you see it this way.
So, how would you sum up Hillary's campaign?
Easy.
It's
Hillary is rich and overconfident,
and she's gonna lose in an upset to an angry bully
with weird hair who everyone calls Mr. T.
Rocky IV!
I got it, it's
Yeah,
Donald Trump is a monster backed by Russia,
and he's embarrassing America in front of the entire world!
Yeah.
-So, now...
Exactly.
-And now... -It's
Perfect, and now Hillary Clinton is gonna pull America back
from the brink by training in those harsh conditions.
O-Okay, guys, you're not...
Yeah, yeah, pulling off a huge victory
in front of the whole world!
(scat singing "Theme from
(audience clapping rhythmically)
Jordan Klepper, Hasan Minhaj, Adam Lowitt, everyone!
Thank you, Philadelphia!
We'll be right back!