Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video
I am
Excited about this week's topic because we have been talking about and are going to be talking a lot about this next month on
Narcissism and I feel like it adds and flows on this channel
I have some
Months where we kind of really are talking about it a lot and then we have other months where we're focusing on the other things
As well that this channel focuses on that I focus on which is self-development on
self-improvement learning how to be emotionally and mentally healthy
Focusing on how to have healthy and positive self-talk and the reason being is because number one
We often do not learn these things growing up which causes people pleaser
codependency and securities mental health issues, etc
And if you are coming out of a narcissistically abusive relationship or an emotionally abusive relationship you need this information
because chances are you yourself are not the healthiest and learning how to
Overcome those relationships and become the best healthiest version of yourself is so so important
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That will inform you every time I do upload a new video with a new topic
So let's get into this week's video because there's a lot of information in here that I want to cover on
how a narcissist changes you why I wanted to talk about this is because
I think it's important to if you are coming out of this relationship to understand
What are the things that really changed about you during the course of that relationship and if you are way out of you know this
Abusive relationship and you are reflecting back kudos to you because you're gonna see just how much you've actually grown from then until now
So the first thing is self esteem and how do we lose our self esteem when we are in these relationships?
one of the important things to understand with these abusive relationships is the abusive cycle that happens where we go from the grooming phase to
The abusive phase to the discard phase to the love-bombing phase and we go around and around and around
This vicious cycle time and time again
Where you lose your self-esteem?
Cuz in that love-bombing phase in the beginning where this person has
Put you on such a pedestal
They have met their soulmate. They are charming. They're sexy their wedding. They
Remind you or perhaps love you in a way that you have never been
Loved before in a way that you were
seeking to be loved based on those emotional wounds that we will start talking about and on this channel and on the program that I
am developing for you guys
learning about these emotional wounds is so important because we operate from those wounds and we'll get into another video but
This person because of this grooming phase because you have been put on such a pedestal
Because they have done things said things to you that have raised your self-esteem to such a high level
Then what happens is once the trust has been built in this relationship
Once the committed nests now happened in this relationship whether that be moving in together
You're in love. You have a child you get married, etc, or just quite frankly
Even if you're dating just when they know that kind of got you right when you're now committed in this relationship
This is where they begin chipping away at that self-esteem. So it's almost like I'm gonna build you up so you
really really rely on me for your source of
Confidence your source of validation your source of
knowing that you're enough because you have not been able to give yourself that for so long or never knew how to
You needed someone else to give it give it to you for you, which is codependency
Because of that and because the nurses this is doing that they're giving you everything that they need that build a level of dependency
Codependency on that person like hey, I'm not okay unless I have this person. So when that
Codependency when that dependency tends to happen in that relationship
If I start insulting you throwing jabs at you hurting your feelings
Trying to diminish you right I can now I now the narcissist has control over whether or not you feel good or what
Not you feel bad now
The next thing is you lost your sense of self and sense of self is different than self esteem
so your sense of self is who you are your self esteem is more of
your self-worth and how you view yourself but your sense of self is
Who you are how you view yourself your connection to yourself
So if you lost that that's because you have now you've given someone else control over you
So without having a sense of self, you don't know who you are. You don't know what you want
You don't know how you feel. You don't know what you think etc. Now the narcissus also doesn't have a sense of self
But what they do that's different than what someone with codependency does is they are constantly playing a character
So they're trying to be something because they don't know who they are. They're trying to
They talk in such a way they play such a character because they think that's what people want to see in them
By playing this character and makes them feel or get admiration for playing that role when really they don't know who they are
They don't know what they want
They just want the I want to say like just the high
From being this character and what people how they view them and what they give them right admiration validation, etc
Whereas someone who's codependent when you lose your sense of self, you don't know who you are
You don't know what you think and you don't know to play a character. You're not mentally ill
You know, you're not bipolar or narcissistic orissa or sociopath or anything like that
You're you are a normal person you just lack the ability to
Trust your own self to know your own self
So part of you does have a sense of self
But you really lose it in this relationship because who you are
You're worth your values
Your thoughts are all based on what this person wants
You to think and want you to feel so you don't never ask yourself. How do I feel what do I want?
What do I think?
It's all about what the other person wants
and so you lose your sense of self because of that because you never able to kind of stand up for yourself and say
This is what I think this is what I feel because you don't want to deal with
And this could be conscious or unconsciously or doing this
you don't want to deal with the backlash and what's gonna happen the
uncomfortableness the fear of confrontation that's gonna happen when you stand up for yourself and
know your sons up self and are able to communicate that with someone who's toxic and unhealthy, so on a very very
unconscious level you do know that you're dealing with someone who is
Abusive and you fear that because you don't know how to stand up to yourself or stand up for yourself
Because you've never done it you've never practiced it which is a practice
And so because you haven't learned the skill practice the skill you
don't do anything at all and you conform to what someone else wants you to be in think and feel now the next thing and
This is something that really really happens often
Not just with you know, narcissistically abusive relationships
But when you're dealing with someone who is codependent
If you are codependent yourself or have some people pleaser in you and everything like that
When you are just that neediness that craving of a relationship and love and validation
if you have ever felt any of that, you'll know that you'll get into a relationship and
You completely lose your life like you don't have your friends anymore?
You don't make yourself a priority. Everything is about waiting by the phone. When is he gonna call? When is she gonna call?
What are they gonna want us to do tonight? It's always about the other person like you don't have hobbies
You don't do things without this other person
It's like your whole world is wrapped around this relationship in this person
Now one of the things with when you kind of lose just your own life right when that happens
Number one regardless of a narcissist that's not something that's attractive to anyone
So anyone who's healthy, right? You're a partner in that your wid that's healthy themselves. They want you to have your own life
they want you to have you your own friends and
your own hobbies and things that you do that you're passionate about like they want that for you because they have that for themselves as
well
And it is healthy to have your own life because a relationship is not this
unity of one where life is just this going forward now a partnership is really here's you here's
Them in your living life together, but you're still your individual selves
you still have your own ambitions your own hobbies the things that you like family members that you see trips that you go on and
You do all that while living life with this person
So I don't want to just talk about all of the negative things that this person has now brought into your life and lets you
Know put a spotlight on all the things about myself that I did wrong, and I need to work on within myself
I also want to focus on like what are all the really good things that this relationship has done for you
so one of the first things is this
Person has forced you whether you like it or not
whether you acknowledge it or not to learn how to love yourself you would not be watching this video right now if you didn't really
Love yourself. If you didn't want to learn if you didn't want to understand what happened to you to make sure it doesn't happen again
for you to really learn how to like validate yourself and
Mentally be there for yourself and emotionally take care of yourself. And also learn what's healthy. What's not healthy?
So this relationship on some level has forced you to really love yourself number two
And this is a really huge one
They taught you what abuse looks like I mean prior to my situation. I had no idea. What emotional abuse was
I knew what being passive-aggressive was. I knew what the silent trigger was. I had no idea
What gaslighting was I had no idea really what?
Manipulation was like I didn't really know when I was being manipulated. So for me this person completely taught me
What a healthy relationship should look like versus a not a healthy relationship
Someone who's mentally ill versus someone who's very healthy and secure and happy in their life, like what that should really look like
Didn't know that no one teaches you that in high school
No one teaches you that when you're 50 and 16 and you start dating like okay
This is what abuse looks like aside from hitting you and putting their hands on you. I didn't know any of that
Yes, I knew yelling at me and saying, you know not the nice words to me was not something that was healthy
But again, I didn't
Recognize we learn what the very black-and-white things are about abuse
But we don't learn about these like little things here and there that can really get into you that are mental manipulation
in real psychological abuse and the last thing for me it was this is the best place to be is that this person actually
Forced me to really take care of myself now
There's a difference between loving yourself and taking care of yourself taking care of myself to me means I met new friends
I created my new life. I was very dependent on this person and the friendships that I have the trips that I take
Me being able to date again and do that in a healthy way
So really taking care of myself was about the self talk and it was about understanding
Law of attraction and it was about understanding. Wow. I create my own reality and understanding that
If this is life, I'm trying to live the best life ever
So my ability to wake up, you know
A lot of the times spiritual awakening happens when you've gone through something very traumatic
Gone through something that just kind of wakes you up to what reality is
Versus the fact that you've kind of been asleep this whole time
You know in the course of your life and by when I mean asleep what I mean is not conscious
to your thoughts not conscious to
life and
Abuse and my own ego and my wounds and where they came from when we when you start examining those things
that means that you are becoming more and more conscious more and more awake every single day and you're not living life running off of
Programming meaning you're running off of what's been downloaded into you whether that's from mom and dad
Whether that's from society, whether that's from an abusive ex, um, all of that kind of stops
so the ability to really awaken from being in that experience that you were in I mean
You should send them a bottle of wine. You should send them some flowers and say thank you like that requires
When you get to that place that requires a really big, thank you so much for doing what you did because it forced me to
Waken up, it forced me to take responsibility for my life and myself and my thoughts it forced me to
Finally learn how to love myself it forced me whether I wanted to do it or not
to understand what healthy versus abuse really looks like so I hope that you have enjoyed this video and I hope I gave you some
understanding about number one how far you have come from that relationship and
also, if you are just entering or leaving that relationship on what is to come there's a lot of
Fun work that is involved. When you come out of these relationships, even though in the midst of it, it doesn't feel that way
but if you embrace
You know where you are in your life in the situation's you've been dealt and really really learn the lessons
They're huge takeaways and it really will transform your life and you'll be ten times happier than you ever thought you could imagine
So I hope you enjoyed this video
Please comment down below with where you are in the process, you know, are you just coming out?
Have you been out of it for 20 years and kind of what were your struggles dealing with coming out of these relationships?
So don't forget to give this video a thumbs up and I will see you next week