We've been paying attention to your requests for new topics. And some of you
are asking, "How to teach children empathy?" Vicki is here with me today to team up
on that topic. Maybe a little definition first, do you think? Empathy has 2
important components. At least, I think. -Right. -And that is to understand and care
how someone else feels. -And it has to be genuine. That's one of the things about
empathy. You really can't fake it. -It kind of defies definition if you do. And this
implies something else. Now, in the Parenting Power-Up which we've shared a
lot of background about moral development and the stages of moral
development, in that program Vicki, we talked about how there are different
levels of development. And it's stage 1, you don't even have the capability of
empathy at that point. Think about an infant for example. You got a
three-month-old baby. Wakes up at 2 o'clock in the morning screaming and
hollering for, "Mom, bring me something to eat." -No empathy there about mom being
tired. Wow, this kid has no empathy. And we
wouldn't expect this infant to have empathy. That's the whole point, right? n
the Parenting Power-Up we, made a point that it's
about stage not age. So, you
might have some older kids who are capable of empathy but they're not
exercising it or they're not demonstrating it and that's something
that we would call stage 1 behavior. -It becomes so important for you to be able
to understand what stage your child is in. Now, that does not mean that a child
who's older and capable of an empathy and currently acting a stage 1. Can't
have empathy. But probably to expect it at the moment that they're stuck in
stage 1 behavior and reasoning. It's just going to frustrate you both. -That
might be the impetus though for wanting to teach it, because usually, if you're
commenting down in the comments of these videos saying, "Hey, tell us how to teach
kids empathy." Probably it's not because you're observing a lot of empathy in
your kids. -Right. -So, let's get into some tips and some strategies that will help
us to get there. Probably good starting point would be with the
vocabulary. We've taken a moment to define the word empathy for you and that
helps what if we were to define and identify and practice feeling words. -Yeah,
and one of the biggest things for that is kids learn kind of really basic
feeling where it's happy, mad, sad, glad. And so a lot of the times we have to
teach them some of the nuances. The nuances words like, frustrated. Because
frustrated is a little different than angry. And so, we teach it a lot by
modeling and talking about the feeling someone else might be having. You know,
cartoons, TV shows, books. I love reading books. You can talk a lot about the
feelings that people might be having in a book. Use some other Vocabulary like
frustrated or irritated or you know, melancholy, blue, sad, down. -How about
disappointed? These additional words help to expand the child's vocabulary. But
also their understanding of what these feelings are. And remember empathy is
understanding and caring how someone else feels. So, if happy sad, glad, mad is
all you've got, you're not going to be connecting with someone else in a very
emphatic way. If you're disappointed, none of those words really fit it super well. -Right. -So, you want to teach
the vocabulary. Teach the feeling words. And to go along with that,
you sometimes have to teach the different body language and facial
expressions that go with those words. Now, I do a lot of that in my work. I work
with a lot of children who are on the autism spectrum. And one of the
characteristics of children who are on the autism spectrum is it's not really
intuitive to read someone's facial expressions. So, you can start talking
about, you know, when you're surprised your eyebrows go up. Sometimes your mouth
goes into a, "O". If you're a happy, you smile. If you're disappointed, a lot of
times your chin goes down. Maybe you look up. If you're feeling a little bit shy. So,
you're going to talk about the different facial features that are happening in
the body language. And I like to do this when reading stories too. You know, you're
reading a book, you go, "Look at their face, look at how the eyebrows are kind of
pointed in that. I mean, they're mad or they're surprised."
And so, you're going to practice and talk about those facial expressions. And even
practice making them for a smaller child especially. Or a child who is just it's a
harder for them to learn some of those emotion words. -I like what you said about
the story books too. Because if you've got an Illustrated story, the illustrator
has gone to the trouble of identifying what these subtle but very
characteristic facial expressions are. And so, it will help isolate and identify
that for you so that you can have that conversation with your child. Your
example is huge. And the more you can model or be an
example of empathy, the easier time you're going to have teaching this to your
children. -Right. And so that can even just come as like, "Wow", When you're seeing
something on TV, "Wow, that probably made him feel..." -Oh... -You know, whatever. That's how
I would feel if that happened to me. And using this with your children too. One of
the points that we made remember in part of the Parenting Power-Up. We were talking
about some discipline techniques and how to replace anger with empathy. Because
sometimes we'll yell or get angry with our kids because we're feeling
frustrated and upset, instead of just putting that aside for a moment and
connecting with empathy. So that when your child suffers a consequence for one
of their choices for example. You can say, "Oh, that really is upsetting to you, isn't
it?" Now, you can't be sarcastic. -No, yeah. Because that takes away the
whole empathy part. -That would kill the whole thing. But in a very genuine way.
Show that you understand and care how they feel. Model it with them or like
you're saying Vicky. On a television show or if you encounter someone out in the
community or at the store or the school. Model that empathy for your kids. -And you
know, to go along with that, I think one of the most important things, you know,
you were talking about how you're going to have empathy for your child, right?
When they're going through a hard time that maybe is a result of consequence
that you helped bring about. You know.. -You maybe had something to do with that. -Have
brought about. So, one of the things that's really important to remember when
you're in empathy is that your goal is not to fix things. It is simply to
understand. -Good point. -And go along the journey with them. If you're interested, I
think one of the best examples and illustrations and understanding of that
is by Brené Brown. And if you look on YouTube for her, she has some great
little sketches about empathy. -Big shout out to Brene, she's done some good work
in this area. Empathy allows us to join with and be
connected to other people. And this is especially important as parents. As we
join with and get connected to our kids. That gives us more influence. It also
trains them to take an approach to life that is far more empathic and kind and
open. And accepting and tolerant of other people as well. So glad that you're here
and part of this positive parenting community. Vicki and I have put together
a course that you're going to love. Connect to it right over there or in the
description down below. It's called the Parenting Power-Up. ParentingPowerUp.
com. Come be with me and Vicki in this course. We want to empower you to be the
confident, conscious parent that you can be.