Hi there this is Clay and today I want to answer a question about what to do when you
are in an emotional cold war with your ex.
So somebody wrote in and, they're kind of in this sort of standoff with their ex's where
neither one of them wants to make a move because of this whole thing about, you know, you want
to be the one who's being pursued.
You don't want to be the pursuer and all that stuff.
And what I think this really is, is it's kind of more of a form of emotional OCD.
Now, let me explain that.
So a lot of times in dating and relationships situations, there's this belief that, you
know, whoever cares the least controls the relationship.
And, I don't know if I necessarily believe that.
In fact, a lot of things that I've experienced in my own life and dealing with clients has
proven that to be the exact polar opposite of reality.
But there is a very strong belief by spread, by, you know, certain dating experts as they
may be known, that, that says that you should care the least.
You should always seem aloof and distant and, you know, play hard to get, be the Alpha Male,
always go out there dating other people, all that stuff.
Just, you know, we all want, we can't have right?
And that's not really true.
And you know, I believe we've talked about this in other videos, but let's just go ahead
and stay focused here.
So what are you supposed to do when you are in an emotional cold war with your ex?
Neither one of you wants to make a move, Because you're worried because you yourself are worried
about being perceived as the pursuer and presumable your exes as well.
So what you need to understand is that is in a form that isn't a form of emotional OCD.
You know, you are worried about how you're being perceived.
You're worried about, how your ex is going to see you.
You're worried about, you know, whether or not you're going to be high status or Alpha
male or you know, playing hard to get or all that stuff.
And so you're trying to really manage your emotional world and really you're trying to
manage your emotions for them to, both of which are not very good ideas when it comes
to being successful with dating and having a great relationship.
So I want you to kind of get that, you know, in the way that a lot of people, a lot of
OCD people will try to really organize and, you know, micromanage their external world,
whether that's through how things are organized in their home through like ways that they
open and close things, et cetera.
A lot of people who are having a difficult time with their relationship will be just
as OCD with organizing and managing the emotional landscape of themselves and their partner
and their relationship.
And, that's not a very healthy way to approach your relationship.
Just as you know, being OCD is, in my opinion, at least not a very healthy way to go about
living a thriving and productive life in society.
So well you have to understand is that, you know, instead of trying to look at this from
an anxiety perspective, okay, instead of trying to look at this from, you know, okay, I want
to make sure that my ex sees me the right way, otherwise I lose or if my ex, you know,
if I'm the one who's pursuing my ex, then I lose or you know, I have to win this game,
I have to win this game by making my ex pursue me that we, they lose and I win.
And I think you're going to start to realize that that isn't really the best way to have
a relationship when you look at it that way.
You know, if in order for you to win the relationship game is for the other person to lose, then
that's just a bankrupt game to begin with because, you know, if, if somebody has to
lose in order to have a great relationship, then it's like, well, why even bother playing?
Right?
Why even bother playing?
Shouldn't relationship be something that's a win for both people involved that uplifts
both people and makes them want to, you know, spend more time together because it's a rewarding
experience rather than, you know, feeling like you will last.
And so the way that I want you to approach this, instead of trying to lead this from
an anxiety perspective where you're trying to manage your anxiety, manage your ex's anxiety
and like do all that, I want you to instead see this as an opportunity for you to know
what you want and to go after it no matter what.
Okay?
Do you want to get back to you with your ex?
Do you want to contact them?
Do you want to, you know, get the ball rolling with communication and all that.
Then I want you to drop this whole anxiety thing.
Dropped this thing about, well, you know, yeah, I might be the doormat or no, got to
posture.
Be like the Alpha male and all that, you know, because the guy who submitted this question
is a man and I want you to drop all of that and I want you to instead know what you want,
which I'm presuming is to get together with your ex.
And then number two, go after it.
Okay?
You might feel anxiety, but that's okay.
You're just going to have to lean into it.
You're not going to try and manage it, micromanage it, push it off, like somehow find a way to
like unloaded on someone else or anything like that.
Where you're going to do is you're just going to go after what you want and feel whatever
you feel and just let that be okay.
All right?
And that is going to give you the freedom to do whatever you want without having to
like be this sort of like overly self conscious person because nobody's gonna want to be in
a relationship with somebody who's like overly self conscious, like, hey, does that make
me do these pants?
Make me look, you know, a weak emotionally, you know, it's Kinda like that, right? and
so, you know, once you can, like, let go of that and just go after what you want, then
that's going to be an incredibly bigger pole for your ex to be with you because number
one, you're going to have your own conviction and your own commitment to your own integrity
and values and just gonna be able to go after that.
And you know, yeah, some people might be like, oh yeah man, that's totally low status because
you know, he's pursuing her but you know, you don't care because you're not playing
that game.
You're not playing that game.
And you know that the bigger prize is to have a relationship with the person that you want
and it's not to get caught up in, you know, whether or not something is low status or
whether or not, you know, you're the pursuer, the we.
And I don't think that in a big picture of things in the big scheme of things that is
really as important as having the kind of relationship that you want.
So that is my advice to you about how to end the emotional cold war between you and your
ex and if you'd like more help on how to get back together with the person you love, the
best way to do that is to go over to relationshipinnergame.com to sign up there and, you know, you can get
in touch with us and we'll send you some cool stuff that will help you, you know, get the
ball rolling with your ex and help you get started on this journey of getting back together.
And, you know, we're real real, we're real people and you know, if you write into us
anything at all, we will respond to you.
I'm in hopefully a reasonable time, but you know, we do take time off for weekends and
stuff like that.
But you know, the best place to start is go into relationshipinnergame.com.
Sign up there and you can get started.
So again, there's been Clay, and thank you very much.