- I'm happy to be here.
We open. We fuckin' open. (audience cheering)
Very happy to be back in New Yo.
I ran. I ran during COVID.
I'm from Philly. I ran.
(audience cheering) Yeah.
I grew up hating New York.
I did not wanna die here.
(audience laughing)
Did not wanna die here.
I'd rather get shot in Philly over a parking spot
than die in New York. (audience laughing)
I had a car the whole pandemic .
Had a car the whole pandemic.
It wasn't that bad. Had a car.
Haven't had a car in a long tim.
Now I'm back in New York, and I'm car-less.
And I miss simple shit.
Like, I miss,
I miss being able to get like a full watermelon home.
(audience laughing)
I gotta call an Uber to get a watermelon home.
(audience laughing)
Or, I could take it on the trai,
but then I risk being a picture
in some white kid's group chat.
(audience laughing)
That's my biggest fear.
Being a meme is the scariest sh.
Or some kid doing TikTok
and going, "Yeah," on your face.
(audience laughing)
So scary being a meme, yo.
Oh, don't let it get to black Twitter, it's over!
It gets to Twitter, it's done. You're finished.
I miss like mean Twitter, like 2010, or like...
It was like mean.
Yeah, you could say whatever yo,
you know, it was fun, it was me.
Like, old tweet from me is like,
like my first tweet used to be like "#blessed."
That was my first tweet.
(audience laughing)
Back in like 2010, #blessed.
One time I tweeted #blessed,
somebody retweeted me told me to get off God's dick.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Damn, that's a goo"
(audience laughing)
And people was laughin', nobody followed me,
it was great.
I stopped tweetin' too,
cause like, titty Tuesday, that.
(audience laughing)
Once titty Tuesday left,
I was like, "I'm done with this"
If you don't remember, titty Tuesday was a day,
girls would cut off their head and their lower body,
and we came together as a country to look at,
(audience laughing)
look at titties on a timeline.
That shit's done with. (audience laughing)
I stopped tweetin' cause my dad used to tweet me,
and that's very annoying, cause my dad's in my life.
(audience laughing)
My dad will tweet me something
that has nothing to do with my .
I used to just talk shit on Twi.
A regular tweet for me is, "Where the hoes at?"
My dad would retweet me and say, "I love you, son."
(audience laughing)
It's like, "Fam, I don't need t.
I don't need that."
(audience laughing)
I don't know.
What'd I do during the pandemic?
I did subscribe to two OnlyFan .
(audience wooing)
Yeah. Anybody else?
- [Audience Member] Only two?
- Yeah, only two. Yeah.
Me and this dude the only two in here that support women?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, subscribed to two.
They cheap, you know, they don't got a lot of followers.
I don't do the millions or thousands of followers.
I do two, three thousand follow,
just in case I run into 'em.
Just like, "Yo, it's me."
(audience laughing)
"I'm your only fan."
(audience laughing)
So good.
There was one highlight during the pandemic.
My brother came home.
My brother came home from serving five years for the stat.
(audience wooing)
You hear that?
Black people know.
I only say serving cause it sounds patriotic, but...
My brother's was in jail, white.
Y'all heard serving, was like, "
(audience laughing)
He was in jail.
And I'm happy he home.
I'm happy he's home. I'm happy for my mom's sake.
She got both her sons back.
We haven't been together in fiv.
My brother came home.
World has changed, five years, .
He came up like, "This your loc?
This y'all lockdown?"
And I'm happy he's home. My mom.
I'm happy for my mom so she can stop hyping up
every little thing my brother d.
She used to call me, she goes, "Donald's reading,
he's going to the gym,
he's going to church."
And she'll go, "Why don't you go to church?"
I'm like, "Duh, I'm not in jail"
I'm out here free, mom. What are you talking about?
Do that with my free time?
Jail kinda made me jealous of m,
cause every time I talked to hin
it sounded like he was at a hap.
Sounded like he was having fun.
I don't know if you guys ever talked to somebody in prison,
but when they call,
the prison say their name,
the inmate's supposed to say th.
My brother would call,
it'll go, "You got a CFCF call "
My brother go, "It's ya boy!
Yo hang up, I'ma FaceTime you."
Like where you get a phone from?
(audience laughing)
My brother came home looking gr.
Five years in prison, he got ab,
his beard connects, (audience laughs)
clear skin.
It was like he was locked up in a Whole Foods.
I've been free for five years,
I'm overweight,
my beard don't connect,
and I got eczema.
(audience laughing)
I need to go to jail for a year.
That's what it boils down to.
I have to go to...
I can't really go to jail.
Jail's like his thing. He been in and out my whole life.
That's his shit. That's his thi.
I got locked up one time.
I got locked up one time as a 12 year old kid.
I got locked up.
I went to juvenile.
And it the Philadelphia daily n.
It made the paper.
And the title of the paper was,
"Boy uses dog to attack friend."
(audience laughing)
And I knew at the age of 12,
media was full of shit
because me and this kid was not friends at all.
(audience laughing)
I remember the article cause my mom laminated it.
She brings it up often.
We had a dog. We had a dog.
This is in the 90's, right?
This is a 90's dog. It was a 90.
DMX, Snoop Dogg, were at the height of their career.
(audience wooing)
And where I was from we had pit bulls and rottweilers.
That was the dog of choice.
And that's what we had,
and my dog was a rottweiler.
And we named him Chaos.
We named him Chaos.
Chaos was a 90's dog.
He had a chain around his neck.
He smoked cigarettes.
(audience laughing)
His tail was cut off.
And we didn't even cut that shi,
he pulled that shit off himself.
He was a 90's dog.
I was walking Chaos,
and this kid was comin' toward ,
I can admit now, he was kind of.
The kid was kind of a bully.
Kids was comin' toward me with two of his friends,
so I dropped the leash to try to scare him.
And it didn't do anything,
so I might've said, "S-get 'em."
And I didn't know what "S-get ',
but he "S-got 'em."
Like, (audience laughing)
Chaos went full rottweiler on t.
And at first I was into it.
Like he was saving me. I was li"
Then I was like, "Let him go."
Yeah.
Bit this kid everywhere.
I ran home, cause I had to take off running
to get Chaos off of this kid.
I ran home, I didn't say nothing for two hours.
I didn't say shit to my mom.
I went to my room, Chaos went t.
Lick his balls.
We didn't say nothing.
And the paper,
oh the paper, they gave Chaos our last name.
So it was, "Reggie Conquest uses dog, Chaos Conquest."
Made it sound like we was broth,
like we started from the bottom.
(audience laughing)
They took me away, and you know,
and then when they asked me,
I'm 12, remember, I immediately blame my brother.
I'm like, "They can just take h"
I was a snitch at a very young .
I got locked up.
In the paper,
it said using a dog to attack se
was like using a gun or a knife,
and that's bullshit.
Because you can't give your gun or knife a treat
after a job well done.
(audience laughing)
And I got locked up at 12.
And I remember being 12 in a co,
they had my hands cuffed and my feet cuffed,
walking into the courtroom, I got locked up.
And they ended up putting Chaos.
(audience moans in sadness)
(audience laughing)
You see, I said I got locked up 12 times at 12.
Not one fuckin' "Aw," dog. (audience laughing)
Wow. Y'all see that black peopl?
No, not one, "Aw."
Not one, "Aw."
We livin' in two different Americas in this bitch.
(audience clapping)
That's messed up, man.
But Chaos got put to sleep, but not cause of that.
He later got in trouble for bank fraud. It was the 90's.