Today I want to come clean about something.
You know the show, Dateline, right?
Yes.
That show has been scaring the crap out of us since 1992.
The tagline is, don't watch alone.
And that's the short version.
The long version is, don't watch alone if you ever
want to fall asleep again.
Those things.
So anyway, Keith Morrison has been lurking around.
Not lurking, he's been observing things around here.
And he put together an investigation about a story
that I told last year.
And I thought it would be better if I showed it
to you before it leaked out.
So here we go, and don't watch alone.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hollywood, California, home of fast cars and movie stars,
and a woman who knew her way around both, Ellen DeGeneres.
OK, I want to tell you all a story.
I wasn't going to talk about this,
but something happened to me on the way to work last week.
And I wasn't going to talk about it,
but I decided that I should talk about it, because I'm sure this
happens to a lot of people.
The year was 2017.
One Direction had just broken up.
That's not important to our story,
but it's important to me.
It was a sunny day in Burbank.
Ellen DeGeneres was on her way to a studio
to tape her world-renowned talk show.
She drove her usual route.
But there was nothing usual about this drive.
Oh, no.
It was the opposite of usual.
Anyway, I'm driving to work.
I take the same way every single time.
And there's a place where I have to turn
into two lanes of traffic.
And I'm waiting for the lane next to where
I turn to be clear enough to move into.
There's a bunch of traffic that day, a whole bunch of traffic,
but there's a space.
It was a completely clear lane.
Or was it?
Ellen thought she was just changing lanes, unaware
that she was about to change the entire course
of the rest of her life.
All of a sudden I just hear, baaa.
Just laying on the horn forever, and a car next to me
like with his arm out of the window
and waving his arm around and baaa.
Well, well, well.
Sounds like someone's getting his honker bent out of shape.
Get it?
Honker?
Could be nose or horn.
Anyway, so then he wants to get in front of me.
And then he gets to light that we're both
getting to on the way.
And it seems like we're both headed to Warner Brothers.
Ellen and her nemesis we're finally face to face.
You won't believe what happened next.
I'll tell you, right after this.
I'm back.
When we last left our story, I was
looking at a different camera.
Now I'm looking at this camera, and Ellen
was about to look danger in the eye.
So I roll my window down, and as I'm starting to say,
you weren't in the lane, he starts going,
you're a dangerous lady, you're dangerous, and starts screaming
and his veins are popping out of his, so angry.
Ellen had done something quite unexpected.
She drove a man wild.
[PLAYFUL ROAR]
And I said, you weren't even in that lane.
And he goes, I was, I was, I was in that lane.
And I said no.
And he said, you're so dangerous.
And I said, you were in the other.
And he goes, no I wasn't.
[BLEEP], dammit, Ellen.
And I was like.
[LAUGHTER]
Ellen's cover was blown.
Now he knew that the driver he had so viciously attacked
was 19-time People's Choice Award winner Ellen DeGeneres.
But on this dark day, not even tickets to 12 days
would make this man a fan.
So every single day since then, I think I'm going to see him
and I, you know, like we're going to see each other
and he's going to apologize for being so mean.
[LAUGHTER]
Because I would apologize if it was my fault.
But it really was not.
I would not pull out and not notice there
was a person in that lane.
They both drove their separate ways,
never to see each other again.
But that didn't mean it was over.
Oh, no, not by a long shot.
I still in my head at night what I'm going to sleep,
[BLEEP], dammit, Ellen.
[LAUGHTER]
[BLEEP], Ellen.
A fateful refrain burned into her brain, one
fateful day in Burbank.
For Dateline DeGeneres, I'm Keith Morrison.
Peace, out.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, Keith, for that hard-hitting report.
Tune in next week, when Keith investigates why
baby goats are so darn cute.