WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD A FEW TIMES THIS YEAR.
EACH TIME IT'S NOT EASY.
TONIGHT MARKS THE END OF AN ERA, THE FINAL SHOW OF THE LONGEST
SERVING MEMBER OF THE GREATEST [BLEEP] NEWS TEAM,
SAMANTHA BEE.
IT ALL STARTED BACK IN 2003 OT THREE.
THE BUSH PRESIDENCY WAS ENTERING ITS TERRIBLE TWOs.
THE IRAQ WAR WAS JUST STARTING.
SO WE NEEDED A CORRESPONDENT, WE LOOKED IN THE USUAL PLACES,
YOUR LIQUOR STORES, YOUR BETTING PARLORS, YOUR METHADONE CLINICS,
AND OBVIOUSLY GOOGLE MAPS WAS IN ITS NASCENT STAGES,
AND WE TOOK A WRONG TURN, WE ENDED UP IN CANADA.
(LAUGHTER) AND WE FOUND THIS, THIS, THIS
JUST DELIGHTFUL, INCREDIBLY FUNNY, PERSON, SAM BEE.
SO WE HID HER IN THE TRUNK AND RACED BACK OVER THE BORDER
PURSUED BY MOUNTIES.
CANADA HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS LOSING.
>> HAVE YOU HAD A HOT CARL SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE?
>> I HAVE NOT. I JUST, YOU KNOW, THERE'S SO MUCH
TO DO, I HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO DO EVERYTHING YET.
>> I COULD TOTALLY SEE IF LONG ISLAND SECEDED AS ITS OWN STATE.
>>WE'RE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT GROUP OF PEOPLE.
>> WHAT STATE COULD YOU BEAT UP?
>> IRELAND.
>> I DON'T THINK THAT COUNTS.
>> OH, STATES, I'M SORRY.
>> OTHER STATES.
>> I FEEL LIKE A RETARD NOW.
>> OTHER STATES NOT IN EUROPE.
>> STATEN ISLAND.
>> OTHER STATES.
>> CANADA?
>> CANADA? OKAY.
>> NONE OF THESE TOOLS ARE STERILE.
>> OKAY, WELL NEITHER IS THIS. SO LET'S GO. GET STARTED.
CAN I CALL YOU BACK? MY MOM IS IN MY ROOM,
AND SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING!
I'M SAMANTHA BEE AND I WATCH THE FIVE!
IT'S THE TALE OF A WINSOME BLONDE INGENUE, DANA PARINO.
THERE'S GOT TO BE A CATCH!
COULD YOU MAKE IT SNAPPY? I'VE GOT PLACES TO BE. SERIOUSLY
OKAY, DRIPPING WET BALLS.
IGNORE THIS.
BABY'S ON FIRE AGAIN. DAMN IT.
YOU TWO TIMING MONSTER -- AHHH!
I'M THE ONE GETTING FLOWN OUT OF THIS (BLEEP) POOL!
ONE PILL MAKES YOU LARGER AND --
LET IT RING!
>> WELL I THINK A LOT OF THE TIME IT FEELS LIKE A
THANKLESS JOB.
PEOPLE THINK OUR DAY ENDS AT 3:00 AND THAT'S NOT THE CASE.
WE FEEL UNAPPRECIATED.
>> GIVES MEN BASICALLY INSTANT ERECTIONS.
TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF DOING.
>> OH BOY, OKAY, OKAY.
HAVE YOU HAD YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH A BLACK PERSON YET?
>> WELL, I DON'T THINK SO, BUT I WOULDN'T MIND DOING IT.
>> THAT'S SOMETHING YOU WOULD BE WILLING TO TRY?
>> WHY, CERTAINLY.
>> THERE'S PLENTY OF THEM.
>> I KNOW.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THEM IN MONTANA?
>> WE DON'T, YOU KNOW. WE DON'T HAVE ANY.
IN FACT, OUR KIDS WERE PRETTY OLD BEFORE THEY SAW ONE.
>> Jon: HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING, SOME DAILY SHOW
TRIVIA, OF ALL OF OUR CORRESPONDENTS SAM IS ONLY
THE THIRD CORRESPONDENT TO EVER GET HER
FACE STUCK IN A PENIS PUMP.
BUT WHILE SHE COULD ALWAYS DO THE SILLY, THE SAM PIECES THAT
I LOVED THE BEST ARE THE ONES CLOSEST TO HER HEART.
>> SARAH PALIN TOOK THE STAGE AND SILENCED HER CRITICS.
BUT THERE'S ONE ISSUE FOR WHICH SHE'S STILL BEING
UNFAIRLY ATTACKED.
>> IT'S VERY INAPPROPRIATE THAT THE DEMOCRATS HAVE SEIZED
ON THE ISSUE OF BRISTOL'S PREGNANCY.
>> I THINK IT'S A FAMILY ISSUE.
>> YOU KNOW, SHE'S GOING TO HAVE THE BABY,
SHE'S GOING TO GET MARRIED..
>> SHE SAID NO, IT'S A HUMAN BEING.
>> SHE MADE THE -- I'M SORRY, WHAT IS THE DECISION --
THE DECISION -- THERE'S ANOTHER WORD I'M LOOKING FOR.
I THINK IT RHYMES WITH VOICE.
EVERY FAMILY AND EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO --
I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?
IT'S HER FAMILY, IT'S HER -- GOD, WHAT IS THE WORD?
WHAT IS THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS, AND YOU HAVE TO
SELECT ONE. WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?
WHAT IS THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?
>> ADOPTION IS ONE.
>> NO, THERE'S A SPECIFIC WORD I'M LOOKING FOR.
>> YES, BUT I DON'T THINK THE -- I DON'T THINK THAT THE
DECISION -- I THINK IT SHOULD BE -- NOT -- I THINK THAT THE
FAMILY DECISION WOULD BECOME -- THAT'S HOW -- YES.
OKAY.
>> A DIFFERENT CHOICE?
CHOICE!
YES!
EXACTLY!
EVERY FAMILY, EVERY PERSON SHOULD HAVE THE CHOICE TO DECIDE
WHAT'S BEST FOR THEM!
>> THERE MAY SEE A 10-YEAR-OLD OUT THERE PICKING TOBACCO BUT
YOU WON'T SEE HIM THERE ALL DAY.
>> I WORK 12 HOURS A DAY IN THE TOBACCO FARM.
>> OR SOMETIMES A LITTLBE BIT LONGER.
>> OKAY, WOW. YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY HARD FOR ME
TO IRONICALLY SUPPORT CHILD TOBACCO LABOR.
THE PRESIDENT SAYS THAT HE WANTS US TO TALK ABOUT RACE.
SO LET'S TALK ABOUT RACE!
YOU GO FIRST.
>> I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU STARTED OFF.
>> I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT AT ALL.
>> IF YOU'RE SCARED, SAY YOU'RE SCARED.
(LAUGHTER) >> WHY WOULD I BE SCARED? NO!
I'M NOT AT ALL.
I'M JUST INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> I KNOW THE PERCENTAGE IS SO SMALL, SO SMALL OF A PERSON
BECOMING PREGNANT FROM A RAPE THAT I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW IF
THAT'S EVEN IN THE EQUATION BECAUSE THEY SAY THAT PERCENTAGE
IS JUST, LIKE, ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.
NOT IMPOSSIBLE BUT CLOSE, AND THERE HAVE BEEN SOME CASES.
>> YEAH, PROBABLY ABOUT 32,000 A YEAR.
>> IS IT 32? OKAY. >> THOUSAND.
>> YEAH, OKAY. >> 32,000.
>> WOMEN IN COMBAT POSITIONS ARE A THREAT TO MILITARY COHESION.
IT'S NOT CLEAR THAT MEN CAN ACTUALLY BOND WITH WOMEN.
MEN JOIN THE INFANTRY BECAUSE THEY WANT TO FIGHT.
>> SORRY, EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND.
OKAY. OKAY, THAT'S MUCH BETTER. SORRY.
>> GIRLS BECOME WOMEN BY GETTING OLDER.
BOYS BECOME MEN BY ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING, BY PROVING SOMETHING.
>> OKAY.
HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY MET A WOMAN BEFORE?
>> SEVERAL.
>> UM...
A WOMAN WHO DID NOT WANT TO STRANGLE YOU?
>> THE REVERSE HAPPENS AS WELL, WHERE HOMOSEXUALS GO OUT AND
FIND STRAIGHTS TO BEAT UP.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
>> ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
HEY!
WATCH OUT!
I'VE GOT A CHRISTIAN!
GUYS! DAMN IT!
IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN GO ON THE RADIO ANYMORE AND CONDEMN A
WHOLE SUBSET OF PEOPLE TO HELL WITHOUT GETTING SOME BLOWBACK.
>> WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY IT DOES SOUND RATHER ARROGANT,
MYOPIC, NARROW-MINDED AND BIGOTED.
>> GOOD, THEN I'VE DONE MY JOB.
>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME OUR SENIOR, SENIOR CORRESPONDENT
CORRESPONDENT SAMANTHA BEE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)