-Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, guys, I'm excited about this.
The director and star of "Creed III,"
Michael B. Jordan, is here tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
When I saw him backstage, I thought, "Oh, so that's what
sticking to your new year's resolution looks like."
You're like, "Oh, yeah..."
Let's get to some news. Everyone's talking about this.
After a two-year suspension,
Meta is reinstating former President Trump's
Facebook and Instagram accounts.
[ Audience oohs ]
Trump hasn't been on Facebook for two years.
So, pretty much just like the rest of us.
Uh...
I forgot all about it.
It's a big day for Trump.
He hasn't been this excited since they found documents
at Biden and Pence's house.
[ Laughter ]
Trump was like, "Thank God.
It's been years since I've gotten to poke someone."
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Trump, I read that after years of avoiding it,
he finally started sending text messages.
Yeah, until now, Trump didn't text.
And he's starting to get into it,
but he's still figuring out how emojis work.
I'll show you what I mean.
For instance, Trump thinks this emoji means
someone's trying to drink a small cup of water.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, Trump thinks this emoji means the McRib is back.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, he thinks this one means selfie.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"That's not selfie?"
Next up, he thinks this one means
that Don Jr. wants to FaceTime.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, he thinks this one means
I'm busy making a very important decision.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, he thinks this one means
date night with Stormy Daniels.
[ Audience ohhs ]
-Ohh! -Hey. What?
♪♪
-♪ Mushroom ♪ -And finally, he thinks this one
means when DeSantis announces he's running for president.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's getting the hang of it.
Some news from Washington.
A bill was just introduced in Congress
that would ban TikTok in the U.S.
[ Audience oohs ] Good idea.
Without TikTok, the only way China can spy on us
is through our phones, fridges, and smart toasters.
Yeah, they want to ban TikTok.
Gen Z is like, "You'll have to pry it
from our cold dead tortillas."
I'm sure Biden is all over this.
A week ago, he thought TikTok was a breath mint.
[ Laughter ]
[as Pres. Biden] "I once choked on a TikTok."
That's right. There's a new bill to ban TikTok.
I actually read the whole thing, and I highlighted some sections
I thought were pretty interesting.
Here. Check this out right here.
Oh, yeah. This one right here.
In this section, it says...
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow. -No cap on that.
This next section here, this one says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Look at this next part here. This says...
Stunning. Stunning.
This one -- I can't even believe this one is real.
This one says...
That's not fair. -Wow.
-It's not their fault.
Look at this one here. This one says...
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Up next, this one here says...
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's cake!
It's just -- Trust me, it's cake.
And finally they wrapped things up over here by saying...
[ Applause ]
Guys, get this.
Congressman George Santos is trying to get reporters
to warm up to him, so he's been leaving food
outside of his office for the reporters.
This is real. Take a look at this video.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
He was like, "Enjoy. I made it myself."
[ Laughter ]
Of course, when they opened the Chick-fil-A bag, it was Arby's.
[ Laughter ]
Well, as we've mentioned all week,
the price of eggs has skyrocketed recently,
and it's gotten so bad that Democratic Senator Jack Reed
is calling for an investigation into the price of eggs.
Yep, he said...
Then Senator Mark Kelly chimed in and said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Senator Mike Rounds said...
Congressman Brian Mast was like...
Then Congressman Pete Ricketts said...
And Congressman Keith Self said...
And finally Congressman Brad Sherman said,
"I think both sides have a point."
[ Cheers and applause ]
A lot of bickering and arguing back and forth.
-Ohh.
-Did you guys see this?
Apparently King Charles has kicked his brother
Prince Andrew out of Buckingham palace.
[ Scattered cheers ]
Prince Harry is about to get a call like, "Hello, nephew.
What is the status of the royal futon?"
Right now, Andrew's like, "Where am I supposed to live?
One of our family's other 29 castles?"
Some business news -- Lyft is now charging you
an extra fee if you make your driver wait.
[ Audience oohs ]
So now when you order a car, here's what you see.
First...
Then...
Next...
Then...
And finally...
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm making my money.
Some more business news.
Chipotle just announced they're hiring 15,000 new workers.
Yeah, in the interviews, they asked,
"Can you walk sideways and scoop?"
[ Laughter ]
People are like, "Walk and scoop?
I can scoop, but walk is going to be extra."
[ Laughter ]
-Nice!
[ Cheers and applause ] Come on!
♪♪
"Walk" sounds like "guac."
-Uh, I can always spot a new worker at Chipotle.
Because when you put soda into a water cup,
they're the ones who actually care.
Guys, I heard that 7-Eleven has started using little robots
to deliver Slurpees and Big Bite hot dogs.
Here's what they look like.
[ Audience awws ]
Looks like WALL-E if he dropped out of high school.
It's just upsetting when the Slurpee drains from the bottom
and the hot dogs come out the back.
You know? You just go... [ Audience groans ]
It's upsetting.
-Oh. Whoa!
-Well, this is cool.
It was just announced that JFK Airport
is getting the largest solar rooftop in New York City.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So now there's only one thing
that can bring JFK to a screeching halt --
a cloud.
[ Laughter ]
Well, listen to this. According to TikTok,
there's a new dating trend
where people are going to Home Depot
to meet other singles.
It's exciting 'cause you actually have
a better chance of finding love than an employee.
"Hello?! Hello?!
Hello?! Help!"
[ Applause ]
Some people don't know how to react.
It's like, "Hey, do you know where I can find a big hammer?"
Guy's like, "Uh, aisle 8,
but I'm also gonna give you my phone number?"
And finally, a woman in Brazil
recently gave birth to a 16-pound baby.
[ Audience ohhs ]
Yeah, the baby came out like...
[Inhales sharply] "What's for lunch?"
When the doctor spanked the baby,
the baby knocked the doctor out.
The doctor was like, "Congratulations. It's a man."
We have a great show.