Nameste everybody Lisa A Romano the breakthrough life coach and today, we're going to talk about how you can begin
to learn how to trust your feelings
Undoubtedly and every time I coach somebody we get to a point in their recovery where they begin to ask me questions about
Trusting their own guidance trusting in their own feelings. They'll say to me, but how do I know that?
This feeling is correct or how do I know that this perception is correct?
You know I was abused by my mother
And you know she used to look at me a certain way and now when I date my girlfriend
You know I'm out with my girlfriend
You know I feel the same way towards her that I did my mom how can I trust that that's real?
What should I do with that you know?
What if it turns out that I couldn't trust that feeling that it was just a projection you say Lisa a Romano
You're always telling everybody that you know the way we look at the world is we're looking at the world through a lens and that
Lens has been corrupted by childhood programming. You know and that's true
That's what I say and that is a fact so we do we perceive ourselves, and we perceive the world through a particular lens
okay, and
All of us all of us every human being is born asleep. Okay. That's a fact
that's why newborns sleep so much because they're in a sleep state brain wave state and
Children up until about the age of seven some say eight sure is out
But up until about the age of seven all children are in a trance-like state which is a hypnotic
brainwave state so our
Parents are essentially
hypnotists our
Teachers our the people that that train us you know in church and in the synagogue and wherever else you go
whatever faith you you belong to
People leaders authorities that come into our lives that are in our lives up until we are about seven years old are basically
hypnotists even television
Hypnotizing and don't think advertisers. Don't know that at any rate
We have to understand that our perceptions are the result of
What's happened in the past and the way we view the world is very much through a filter and we are all
projecting our stuff our inner stuff onto
Other people all the time
So now you get to a point in your recovery where you're beginning to understand this and you becoming accountable
And you're wondering how this affects you so if you're the codependent and you've been in a narcissistic relationship
You know how much of this are you projecting onto your partner and anybody who's asking that question is?
brilliant and so close to having an amazing breakthrough because
the people in my opinion who heal the deepest are the most humble and
You have to be a humble person to be able to ask yourself that type of a question
Can I trust my feelings because there are people out there that never ask that question?
Narcissists never ask themselves is this opinion of my girlfriend or my wife or my husband valid?
or my children
They never ask themselves am I really looking at this correctly am I projecting am I being fair
So the fact that you're even asking the question is brilliant and it is
It's indicative of how humble you are and it also means that you're on the right path
And you are definitely close to experiencing breakthroughs that being said now
We have I have to preface this dear ones
I know I'm very long-winded
But I have to preface this you can't just come out here with information you have to you have to help people understand
You know what you mean, so I'm sorry. It's so long-winded
I'll get to the point now and so
What we have to understand is that many of us have been taught not to trust how we feel
now taking take a saw take put it on the side this idea that our perception could be flawed take just put it on the
Side just for a second put it over here
That's really not what we need to focus on right now when you're trying to learn how to trust your feelings
You have to work backwards which means that you have to trust every feeling in the moment
That's why I teach the one-two-three process so the one-two-three process is means
It's my way of teaching you and members of my class and personal clients
It's my way of helping people learn to identify
What has gone wrong because what has gone wrong throughout our life? Is that we have not been allowed to?
Feel our feelings we have not been allowed to validate our feelings we have been taught in big ways and in small ways
What we think and what we feel is invalid so?
My solution to that is let's rewind the tape let's go back to the beginning and let's let's treat ourselves
The way we were supposed to always be treated so we can get to a point
When we're able to process our emotions in a more constructive way
Okay, so what I did when I was on my healing journey was I accepted that I was taught that I wasn't allowed to feel
My feelings that no matter what I said Lisa was wrong. She's being a drama queen it's always about her
She's just wants attention bla bla bla bla bla right so then I went back and I realized well
What was supposed to happen well?
What was supposed to happen is when I had a feeling my parents had supposed to be inquisitive
They were supposed to validate what I was feeling they were supposed to show up
They were supposed to mirror what they heard me saying
They were supposed to hold a space for me so that that feeling could flow right because emotions are just energy in motion
So the goal is really in our being is to learn how to let the energy in our bodies flow right?
So I began to understand that wow I wasn't allowed to flow my energy
So I have to teach myself how to flow my energy so parents are supposed to hold the space for their children
They're supposed to say even if even if the child is saying mommy. I hate you mommy is supposed to say
Why do you hate me?
Why do you think you hate me and what does hate mean to you and what's this all about?
You know mommies aren't supposed to say oh. Yeah. Oh yeah, you hate me well, then you know what you're not eating
That's not what we're supposed to do
We're supposed to hold the space I'm angry because you wouldn't let Tommy come over after school
And I really like playing with Tommy bla bla bla bla bla and when I supposed to mirror back to this child and say oh
I can understand why you're so angry
I can understand why in this moment you feel like you hate mommy because you know mommy said no
I can understand that so we're not reacting we're validating a child's emotion, so now what happens is this energy and this child is
It's staying it's moving. It's moving throughout his system
He's not feeling shamed for what he feels and he has a being who's presenting herself right you know
Selfless and saying I hear you. I see you
You know not making it about her having complete empathy for this child's experience because she's so evolved
she's not taking it personally and she understands at her place in this child's life is to guide him and to teach him how to
Allow his feelings to flow right because this is this is our job as mothers and fathers
Teaching our children how to stay in the flow with what they feel so that they can
Get so in touch with who they are as on an emotional level and on an authentic level that as adults
They are following their own
instincts they're following their own bliss and they're evolving into people that are just
Magnetic and they're evolving into people that are living their lives out loud, right
But we can't create children adults like that if we are teaching our children that they're not allowed to feel what they feel
So we create this space for this child he feels what he feels we acknowledge how he feels we mirror it back
we tell the child I could see why you feel that way and
Very oftentimes what happens is this child's emotions begin to dissipate he no longer feels the need to hold on to that anger which is
Awesome, you know you just hold the space for the child later on you could revisit
And you could say do you know when you said that you know would you like to know how I felt about it
You know maybe we could talk about that now and in a very calm space we talked about how what the child said?
Affected us because we don't want to turn kids into narcissists seeing they're right
We don't want to have them thinking that it's all about them
We have to also teach them in a gentle loving way from a space of love right not from ego
Space of love because ego is all about fear
And me me maybe me we have to teach these children about the consequences that their words have on other people
Who love them so it's a balance?
But everything has to start from love getting back to us so when we're children. We're not allowed to feel what we feel
We're taught that our feelings don't matter
so we have to do as adults is we have to train ourselves to take some time, but we have to train ourselves to
Understand that we're just in the moment for the now
We're just supposed to learn how to flow our energy so that means if I'm angry I have to absolutely
Accept that in this moment. I'm pissed off. We don't judge it. I'm just pissed off. I'm just pissed off
I'm just pissed off. You know I got up early today
you know and
I didn't expect to see a sink full of dishes and that pisses me off you stay with that anger you stay in that moment
You accept how you feel the second thing you do is you try to identify where you feel?
Where and how does your energetic body?
Tell you how does it speak to you? How do you know that you're angry from me?
I get it feels like cotton is in my head. It feels like I've just hit wall
I look at my energy body as a second entity a separate entity that is speaking to me letting me know how I feel and
So when I walk into the kitchen and I feel this sudden change in my disposition or and I just feel out of alignment I?
Then look to identify, how is my energy body letting me know that this happened?
and it is out of alignment with what I want to experience who the hell wants to wake up at 3:30 in the morning and
Find a sink full of dishes. Hell. No I don't want to and if I feel pissed off about that
That's a valid feeling right, but I have to identify
How I know that I'm pissed off because you've got to learn to connect to your body because you've been taught to did be
Disconnected from your body by past experiences so for me like I said I feel like I've caught it in my head
I feel like someone's stepping on my chest sometimes if I'm really really upset, and it usually when it involves other people
My heart just beats erratically like it skips beats, and I'm very very aware that you know my rhythm is off um
It could be quite frightening and so that's the way my energy body sends me the signal that something's happening out here
They don't mind happy with then what you do is you decide what you want to do with how you feel?
Most codependents and abused adults get stuck, and how they feel they just they feel it. They're in panic mode
They're in fight flight or freeze most the time. I was frozen and
You don't know where to go from there, so the next step is to decide what you want to do about how you feel
So you ask yourself?
What can't I control?
What can I control and ultimately how do I want to feel?
We make the decision based on those the answers to those three questions
Can't control that my daughters were up late, and they left me with the sink full of dishes
Can't control that anger showed up because that's valid and I'm not gonna push with my feelings any more not gonna react to them
But that's valid feeling
What can I control I can control whether or not I go up there like a bat out of hell
wake these kids up pull the comforters off them act like a crazy person and make them go downstairs and
Clean the dishes I can control whether or not
You know I wait till they wake up and have asked them to clean the dishes then
You know I can control whether or not
I just go have a meditation and
Just relax myself and detach and realize this really isn't a big thing in the scheme of things. It's dishes in a sink
You know it's not anything life-threatening
You know I can reframe this and and choose to look at this as a way that the kids were just up
They were up together they were having a good time. They were working on art
Projects together isn't that lovely and they just didn't want to have to do the dishes at 1:00 a.m.
I get it, but now I'm gonna ask them to do with it. Whatever 9 o'clock or 10 o'clock when they get up
Ultimately how do I want to feel? I want to feel in alignment with my daughter's not out of alignment
So I have to make a decision that is going to that will net me
That result so now that I know what I can't control
I know what I can control, and I know how I want to feel I'm going to choose to wait till they get up
Help them explain what it feels like to wake up and see this
Hear their side of the story and then ask them to take care of their responsibility then all as well now
We learn to trust our feelings by accepting how?
Feel no matter what we feel even if you in the moment think that what you feel you shouldn't feel right
So let's say you feel jealousy, and you don't think you should feel jealousy or you still feel anger
we have to get to a point where you understand that the only way to learn how to trust what you feel and
To know that what you feel is valid and to know that you're making decisions
based on valid
Perceptions is to start by accepting how you feel no matter what you feel in every single moment right so that means let's say
you're dating somebody and
He's spending a lot of time with his kids, so here you are you're at the park with your boyfriend and his kids
And you're beginning to feel jealous and you notice this oh, I'm beginning to feel jealous
I don't like the way I feel you have to accept that in a moment
I'm feeling jealous, or you just you notice that if you're having this sensation, then you ask yourself
How do I know I feel this way hmm my thoughts are changing?
My stomach is changing. I feel pressure in my chest. I can tell by the way my mind is thinking that I'm feeling jealous
Okay, I have to make a decision about the way that I feel
What can't I control? What can I control and ultimately how do I want to feel?
I can't control that I feel this way because it's like trying to control the fact that I have green eyes
Can't control that it is what it is I?
Can't control that my boyfriend spends a lot of time with his children right now
I can't control it my boyfriend has children. I don't have any children
I can't control that he has them today, and this was a day that we were supposed to spend together
It just happened his his ex is sick or whatever and they're with him today
What can I control I can control whether or not I leave I can control whether or not
I stay in a relationship with a man who has children
Whose life is very unpredictable maybe I don't want that in my life. You know I can control whether or not I act like
He's doing something wrong. I can control whether or not I act out
I can I can be very kind in this moment and be supportive of what he's going through and actually support these children
Ultimately how do I want to feel? I want to feel in a lot in alignment with my decisions, and I want to feel peaceful
so
What decision you're going to make based on how you feel well?
I'm not going to react to
These jealous feelings that I have but they may be an indicator perhaps that I'm in the wrong relationship
Maybe I'm not ready to date somebody who has children. You know maybe I am but right now
I'm not going to react to how I feel and I will revisit
This feeling at a later time in journal about it and think about it, but for the moment
I think I'll go over to my boyfriend and his children and go
Help them or hang out with them in the sandbox or on the swings
Eventually what will happen is if you do this enough times you will be able to
Feel your feelings and learn how to trust them over time
But the big thing that we have to help everybody understand is this idea that no matter what you feel
You have to allow that feeling because what we do wrong is we layer our
Feelings right and when we layer our feelings we prevent ourselves from being able to stay in the flow
Energy is meant to flow okay?
You are an energetic being and you're supposed to flow and when you don't allow yourself to feel what you feel and when you judge
What you feel you are preventing yourself from flowing?
And you can't progress you just can't so the next time you feel something good or bad terrible ugly something that you
Don't wish you felt
Don't judge it
spend five or ten minutes allowing how you feel put your hand on your heart and say to yourself I
feel jealous
In this moment I'm feeling jealousy
I'm not sure. I know why I feel jealous but I
am becoming aware of
This feeling of jealousy, and I'm just gonna allow myself to feel that jealousy, and I'm not gonna judge myself for feeling jealous
I'm just going to allow it yeah, I feel it. I feel that jealousy. I can definitely feel that jealousy
You are angry. I feel that wow I'm really angry right now
I'm really angry at my husband or my daughter or my wife. I'm really angry at my boss or my coworker
I'm really pissed off at that cab driver. You know I'm really pissed off at lycée Romano whatever. I'm really angry. I'm really angry
I'm really angry
Don't judge it the minute you are angry that you're angry you have put a cork in
your
emotional
Circuitry and you're creating a block don't layer your emotions
Allow your emotions to surf surface that doesn't mean you have to react to them
But you must get in the habit of allowing your emotions to flow and if you do this enough times
Over time you will be able to process what you're feeling and in a short amount of time
You'll be able to trust what you feel because what'll happen in
seconds
Eventually if you practice this enough is you'll feel a feeling you'll validate it
You'll survey the situation and decide how you want to feel about it, which is just awesome
But again dear ones this all takes practice practice practice this all takes practice. Thank you for being dedicated to light
Thank you so much for following me on youtube in side timer instagram
twitter and on facebook
and I so hope I see some of you or a lot of you inside one of my coaching programs soon as
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We're very very lucky to have such a special special face with the Facebook group now mister
Everybody I bow to love in life. That is absolutely
happy feeling
You