♪ (classical ballad) ♪
(faint PA voice)
- (nurse) You're gonna be okay. Hang in there.
What happened here?
- (wife) He slipped on all these banana peels
and fell down the stairs. - (nurse) Banana peels?
- (wife) Okay! I did it! I'm guilty!
I'm just really bad at breakups, okay,
and I didn't want to hurt him.
- (nurse) Then why did you make him fall down the stairs?
- (wife) That means that I didn't want to hurt him emotionally.
- (nurse) Okay, get him into room 2. Doctor.
- (doctor) Nurse, what's the status on our patient?
- (nurse) We've got multiple lacerations.
We got a concussion, a broken arm, an internal bleeding.
- (doctor) Cause?
- (wife) Slipped on banana peels
and fell down three flights of stairs.
- (doctor) Ugh, sounds like a pretty random accident,
if you ask me.
- (wife) Oh! Okay, you got me! I did it!
I mean, I don't love him anymore,
but I'm just really bad at breakups. - (doctor) That's--
- (nurse) The craziest thing you've ever heard?
- (doctor) No, I was going to say
it's one of the sweetest damn things I've ever heard.
It's like she didn't want to hurt him... - (both) Emotionally.
(doctor gasps) - (wife) Aw.
- (nurse) Wait, you're "aw"-ing for an attempted murder?
(doctor sighs) - (wife) This isn't an attempted murder.
- (doctor) Clearly.
- (wife) I just threw a bunch of banana peels
at the top-floor staircase of our three-story apartment.
- (doctor) Right. - (wife) And rigged a trip line.
I'm not responsible for what happened after.
- (doctor) Of course not.
- (nurse) Uh, then how come toxicology came back
with a lethal dose of poison? - (doctor) Poison?
- (wife) Oh right. That was also me.
I poisoned all of our booze. He drinks a lot.
- (doctor) Oh, it's a shame. - (nurse) He's foaming at the mouth!
- (doctor) That's gross. - (nurse) He's crashing! He's crashing!
- (doctor) All right, everyone, stand back.
I'm gonna zap this bastard.
Three, two, one!
(sounds fade)
♪ (ethereal music) ♪
(EKG beeps)
- (doctor) Right, exactly. I think you could send him home today.
- (nurse) Discharge him.
- (doctor) Jesus! God! That is so much blood!
- (nurse) We've got a bleeder!
- (doctor) What's causing all this bleeding?
- (nurse) Uh, maybe it's these knitting needles?
- (doctor) That's a sound diagnosis. - (wife) Are you sure?
'Cause maybe someone put them there to plug a hole.
- (nurse) Maybe someone? - (doctor) True. Yeah.
- (wife) Ugh, god, okay, you caught me for a third time.
I just-- it looked like he was gonna wake up...
- (doctor) Right. - (wife) ...and start talking.
So I stabbed him with my knitting needles,
'cause I'm just really bad... - (nurse) Bad at breakups. We know.
Doctor, can we get this woman out of here?
- (doctor) Yeah, I'll send her out of here A.S.A.P....
- (nurse) Thank god. - (doctor) ...just as soon as I am done
telling this beautiful woman how much I love knitting.
I thought I was the only one. (chuckles) - (wife) You knit too?
- (doctor) Well, my mother taught me how when I was very young.
And heck, I still love doing it.
- (nurse) If you two "aw" right now, I swear to God.
- (doctor) Hey, if you're not doing anything after this,
do you maybe want to, I don't know, go knitting sometime?
- (wife) I would love that. - (doctor) I would too.
- (wife) And I am about to be single.
(laughing) - (doctor) Ho-ho-ho-ho! (chuckles)
- (nurse) Doctor, you're gonna go on a date
with a woman who's a murderer and who's still married?
- (doctor) The only thing this woman has murdered...
is my heart. - (wife) That is so sweet.
- (doctor) Well, it's the truth.
(blood squirting) - (nurse) Doctor, the patient!
- (doctor) Yeah, I can see that. Thank you.
♪ (ethereal music) ♪
(EKG beeping)
(faint smooching)
- (nurse) Doctor, I don't think you should be making out
with this patient's wife right now.
- (doctor) Nonsense, nurse. We're in love, okay?
- (wife) Honey? Oh good, you're awake.
I'm gonna need you to sign these consent forms.
- (doctor) Very quick, all right? There we go.
- (wife) This is so good.
- (doctor) You're doing such a good job. Your hands are so soft.
- (wife) So are yours.
- (nurse) I don't want to interrupt this romantic date
with this man's wife.
But, uh, the patient has a few broken ribs
that need your attention. - (doctor) Oh really?
- (wife) Oh, right. That was me also.
I might have hit him a few times with this bat.
- (doctor) Oh, that'll do it.
- (wife) Is he still alive? - (doctor) No.
- (wife) This is so difficult.
- (both) Breakups are so hard. (doctor gasps)
- (nurse) No, they're not! Okay? You just need to be honest.
It's like ripping off a Band-Aid.
- (wife) Right. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid.
- (nurse) That's not a Band-Aid! - (doctor) Whoa.
- (nurse) Okay, we're gonna need another transfusion in here!
- (doctor) Let me just put that back in right here.
(alarm tones fading)
♪ (ethereal music) ♪
(couple giggling)
- (wife) Okay. You'll never guess who got married.
- (both) We did! (doctor chuckling)
- (nurse) Okay, but you already have a husband.
And he's surprisingly hanging in there. - (wife) Nope.
The consent forms I had him sign consented to our divorce.
You know, they say divorce is really difficult.
But it's really not that hard.
- (doctor) Well, it's been a crazy night.
I'm just lucky enough to have had you in my life
for one whole hour. - (nurse) This happened way too fast.
- (doctor) It's never too fast when you're in love, Dawn.
Mm. - (wife) That's right, my love.
Now we celebrate. - (doctor) Mm.
I've never felt more alive, my dear. - (wife) Me either.
- (doctor) Mm. Mm. (faint PA voice)
- (wife) Do you taste metal on this end?
- (doctor) I sure do.
(glass shatters, clattering)
- (nurse) Oh right. The poison. Mmph.
Time for your pills.
♪ (dramatic chord) ♪
♪ (classical ballad) ♪