- So, what do you do when you've met somebody
and they've got a ton of great qualities,
but they just don't ignite that crazy chemistry in you?
Should you walk away or is there another possibility?
That's exactly what we're gonna talk about today.
Check it out.
(bright music)
Hey there, this is Mat Boggs
and I'm the founder of the Love & Relationships Division
of the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people to create
and live a life they love, and that includes your love life.
So if you like this video, click the subscribe button,
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because every week we bring you videos
to empower you and your love life.
So today, we're talking about what to do
when you're met someone who has a ton of great qualities,
they tick all these boxes except for the chemistry box.
And that's exactly what happened
for a client of mine named Patricia
and a guy she met named Bill.
Now, Bill had all these great qualities in him,
and yet he was a little bit heavier
than Patricia would like.
Now when it comes to chemistry,
there are two scenarios
that I've seen really work for people.
One of the two scenarios we all want,
and that is massive chemistry right out of the get-go.
So many of us want lightning bolt chemistry
that strikes the moment you see the person,
you feel those butterflies in your stomach
and you feel hot and heavy, and you're like,
"Wow, this person's amazing."
We all want that level of chemistry.
And while that does exist and it's very romantic,
there's actually a whole other possibility
that can exist that, quite frankly, I see happen often,
and that is a friendship that catches fire.
Know this, the amount of chemistry you allow yourself
to feel for a high quality man
who is a good potential partner for yourself.
Interestingly enough, side note,
it's almost easier to feel chemistry for someone
that's not a good fit for you, why?
Because there's no threat of them actually getting into
a relationship with you, so it doesn't bother your paradigm.
When it's someone who is a good fit for you,
who might go the distance,
your paradigm will often squelch the chemistry
you allow yourself to feel because of the fear of,
"Ooh, what if I actually open my heart again?
I could get hurt."
So that's one of the dynamic factors that are at play here.
But when you see someone who has amazing qualities,
often what can happen is it's a friendship
that catches fire.
When you open your heart, you lean into that,
after a series of dates,
you can start to feel the chemistry later,
and that's exactly what happened for this woman.
And Patricia sent me this email
and I wanted to share it with you
because it just perfectly speaks to this dynamic.
And here's what she says.
She says," so Bill continued to text and call,
and the more I got to know him,
the less I seem to be concerned about his appearance.
He was just so kind and thoughtful,
offering exactly the kind of help I needed,
just a real sweetheart.
I decided to be open to possibilities
and let down my reservations and just go with it.
Amazingly, I started to feel attracted to him
and then started hoping he would ask me out
and imagining what it would be like to kiss him.
Fast forward to this evening, I said,
'Wow, you really look good tonight.'"
They were on a date at dinner.
"And I meant it.
He did look really good.
Still the same size, but I could see past it tonight.
I stayed flirty and fun and light all evening.
And at one point, I started doing the triangle look,"
which is where you look from one eye to the other eye
and down to his lips.
This is a flirting techniques you learned in our program
that signals to a guy that you wanna kiss him,
it's this triangle look and it works great, so fun.
She goes, "Just for the fun of it.
Then right in the middle of our shared nachos,"
(laughs) which I think is a great line,
"Our shared nachos, he gets up,
walks over to my side of the table and kisses me,
right there in the restaurant in front of everyone.
And then he kissed me a second time,
and then a third time.
Then walked back to his seat and sat down.
And he said, 'You just looked like you needed a kiss.
And I don't care if everyone saw us, I wanted to kiss you.'
And he's a really good kisser,
and I really enjoyed it," she writes.
(laughs) I love that.
She goes, "It was the most amazing thing.
We finished our nachos and eventually headed out,
and he kissed me once we got to my car,
and I feel like there is a ton of chemistry building,
and we'll definitely be seeing each other again."
I love this example because it happens so often
where the chemistry actually follows the connection.
Allowing the chemistry...
Sometimes chemistry is like that lightning bolt
and sometimes chemistry is friendship that catches fire,
and that possibility exists for you as well.
Now there's one scenario
where women resist giving themselves the chance
to explore chemistry,
and that's where she doesn't wanna lead him on.
So if you've already been on three or four dates with a guy
and you really like him
and you'd love to see him one more time,
you'd love to go out with him again
'cause you're right in this middle zone.
There's really not that much chemistry
but you'd love it if the chemistry came later,
how do you go out with him again without leading him on?
Well, here's a great phrase that you can say.
You can say,
"Hey, can I share something vulnerable with you?"
And he'll say, "Sure."
And you say, "You know, I really like you.
I love hanging out with you,
and we have all these things in common
and I'm not feeling the amount of chemistry
that I thought I'd be feeling at this point,
but I'm open to exploring
to see if the chemistry comes later.
So if you're open to exploring this with me
and giving me time to explore this process,
then I'd love to go on a date with you.
Would you be open to that?"
And what I love about this statement
is you're letting him know exactly where you are,
you're not leading him on.
And if he says yes and chooses in to that moment,
then you've got time and space
to really allow those feelings to build and grow over time.
So my question for you is,
what have you found are the best strategies
for helping build the chemistry over time?
Go ahead and post those strategies
in the comment section below.
Here's to you and your amazing love life.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching. I'll see you soon.
(bright music)