Today we see with our tongues.
Let's talk about that.
( music playing )
Good mythical morning!
Mythical beasts, today we've got a weird episode for you.
As if they all aren't.
We'll be stuffing a Taco Bell taco
inside of a Pop-Tart,
and if that wasn't odd enough,
we'll be watching kleptomaniac animals
rob humans,
but first, tongues,
or as they're also not known,
the eyes of the mouth.
It's time for...
Let's give a good mythical welcome
to Thomas Middleditch
from HBO's "Silicon Valley."
Whoo. How's your tongue working this morning?
Uh, I warmed it up.
I warmed it up on various foods and breakfasts.
You licked a bunch of foods and breakfasts.
I haven't eaten, though, but I just licked it.
- Okay, you've licked-- - You've licked a lot.
Okay, here's-- that's gonna come in handy
'cause this is how this is gonna work.
We're gonna take turns being blindfolded
and having to identify objects
only by licking them.
Nothing but our tongue can touch the object,
and there's no lip touching.
This is a family show.
Ooh.
The loser gets a wet willy
from Thomas Middleditch.
- Whoo! - That'll be gross.
Anything to get those views.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah, that's our motto.
Okay, Rhett, your item is before you.
It's just begging to be licked.
Yeah, man,
I don't wanna give you a big hint
but it rhymes with poo.
I'm gonna make just a little bit of contact with it.
Don't. Don't. Trust me, don't.
Oh, it's so gross.
Why am I even watching this? Should we look away?
I don't know. It does feel like we have--
- Oh, there it is. Okay. - Oh, yeah.
( Thomas speaking gibberish )
Idle deidle.
Oh, gross.
This is nasty, man.
It feels like the back of spoons.
It's smooth to you, huh?
Is it a boomerang?
"Is it a boomerang?"
It is not a boomerang or the back of a spoon.
Man, you ain't getting it.
Yeah--
It's like a p-- It's a plant of some sort.
- You're-- - Eureka, it's a plant of some sort.
By my calculations, it's some kind of plant.
Oh, that's good. You're turned it over.
Oh, that's the side I want you to lick.
There we go.
This is like, um...
Oh, what?
This is like a dun-- like an S&M thing.
That's a little rough.
You could say that.
Rhett, when you speak, you can put your tongue back in your mouth
so you're not talking like this.
It's got a rough side and a smooth side.
I mean, I think by this point you need a final guess.
Do you have an idea of the overall shape of this thing?
Yeah, it feels very plasticky.
You gotta get the--
You gotta go with big swaths.
You gotta get an overall sense of the shape.
There's no denying it. It's uncomfortable.
It's uncomfortable for us to see.
It's probably uncomfortable for you to do.
Is it something that's, like, a cleaning device for something?
No.
We can't give you that hint. It's red.
I'm gonna give you one location hint. Okay?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
This is so-- everything about it.
I know.
Everything about it, dude.
- What's that? - Everything about it.
( groans )
That's a pointy tip.
Put your pointy tip to that pointy tip.
Touch tips.
I have no idea.
I mean, it could be...
We need a final guess.
A plastic plant...
I was goofing before, but after I said it,
it does actually rhyme with poo.
A shoe... It's a high heel!
- He knew. - You gave it to him.
All right, take it-- all right.
It is absolutely phenomenal
how un-obvious that was to me,
when I was licking it.
- Really? - You thought I was playing it up?
- Yeah. - I had no idea.
Okay, Link, your item is before you.
Whoa, gosh, new technique.
You're gonna hit nose first. Lean back a little bit.
Yeah, lean back and keep it swinging.
( speaking gibberish )
You're almost there.
Idle deidle.
Oh, that's not what you're supposed to touch it with.
Oh, it's so uncomfortable.
Everything.
That's it.
I found it.
He got it.
You found the top. Yep. They did. That's--
Such an extreme lick.
- This is so unnerving. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I think we... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, go sideways.
Sideways and go all the way down.
Yeah, that's what we wanna see.
Full length of it.
It's plastic. It's like a plastic gourd.
- Ooh. - You wish.
If it had a hole on the end,
I would think that it was a vacuum cleaner nozzle.
It has no distinguishing features.
It's so smooth.
It is smooth.
That should be a hint, man.
Guys, this is difficult.
Good term.
So you've got. You've got smooth.
Has a gourd shape.
Think of all the things that are gourdly.
It's so smooth.
There's nothing.
It doesn't seem like it could do anything.
It has things done to it.
Yeah, yeah, it is fairly inert.
Oh, is it a-- It's a bowling pin.
- Whoa. - It's a bowling pin.
- That's my guess. - All right, take your blindfold off.
Oh, yeah!
- Okay, Thomas. - It is before you.
- Okay. - Your future.
And I have to do this.
Absolutely have to.
Oh, like this?
You're coming pretty gentle. I like it.
Well, I don't know what it is. I don't know where it is.
Start. It's...
( grunts )
Oh, wow, there you go.
I'm so aware of how this looks.
Go low. Go low.
Well, it's shaft like.
Which is great for me.
It's like a candelabra.
Go really low.
You're spending a lot of time at the top.
You're gonna get some interesting clues...
- This one has a lot. - Got a lot to offer.
Oh, what's that?
The level of licking diversity of this one
compared to Link's item
is really exquisite.
What are you experiencing?
I'm experiencing similar ornateness.
It's, like, got little bits and twirls and swirls.
Little bits and twirls.
Lick the bits, twirls, and swirls.
Mm-hm.
So there's a main shaft here.
You're like a forensic tongue-spert.
Oh, yeah, keep going. There you go.
There you go. Ooh, ooh, there you go.
That's the ticket.
There's a base.
That tells you everything you need to know.
It's metal, or a metal-ish,
or like a brass or silver.
You said it in there at one point.
What the heck?
I'm trying to look for a handle.
- You said "brass." - Yeah.
Go back to your initial licking position.
Where, the tip?
Yeah, there's like a ho-- Oh...
Okay.
You think you got it?
Yeah, yeah, hold on.
You can't blow.
I knew what it was.
Like a trumpet or a trombone.
Well, you have to guess.
You have to guess one thing.
It's a trumpet.
All right, remove the blindfold.
He got it!
Okay, now it's getting more exciting
because the item which now is in front of you
is covered in something else
so you get to guess both.
There's a point associated with either.
Oh, yeah, 'cause it wasn't gross enough already.
All right, go in. Licky, licky.
I like your technique.
The searching tongue?
The windshield wiper.
It's like an antenna
of some disgusting little insect.
Back. Go back.
Oh, you're gonna get-- You're coming in for a landing.
You're gonna get so messy, dude.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Okay. Oh, I like that.
I actually don't know what's on it either,
but you seem to be enjoying it a little too much.
Honey. Honey's on it.
Stevie:
Everybody knows the taste of bees' disgusting little byproduct.
It's got a lot of little parts to it,
- Oh, yeah. - Like little sections.
Oh, yeah.
It is like--
really coming off in my mouth.
Look at that. It's like a lace.
"Like a lace," he says.
It's a baseball glove covered in honey.
- Whoa. - See your-- See your mask.
- Yes! - You got it.
Yeah, because that. I felt that.
You don't have to feel it again.
That could only be one thing.
We get it. We get it!
Okay, Link, there's an item
in front of you covered with something.
Of all the things to cover in that thing.
I thought this was a family show.
Maybe go on a swirl technique.
Yeah, there you go. That's good.
That's good. The ol' helicopter tongue.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
There it is.
There she is.
Oh, that's grody.
( gags )
Yeah, if you need to spit.
It's tasteless. It's nasty.
Yeah, it's giving me a gag reflex, to be honest.
I think it's Vaseline.
- Is it... - Stevie:
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Is it Vaseline on a deer antler?
You've vassed up my deer antlers again, kids.
Man, that's like you're in a Vaseline on a deer antler.
The inside of my mouth is coated in Vaseline.
It's so gross.
It's not unlike a deer antler.
I don't think you're supposed to be just eating Vaseline,
like in life, but you are today.
It's like a frickin' medusa.
- Oh, no. - What was that?
Licking too vigorously.
- Hold on. I'm coming... - Coming in hot.
You're going-- You're missing it.
Are you moving it on my tongue?
Yeah, this might help.
Have you seen "Call Me By Your Name"?
Oh, my God.
What is that? It's like a-- It's like toys.
- Is it a-- It's plastic. - Everyone gave you hints.
We gotta get a guess. We gotta get a guess.
It's like a plant.
It's a leafless tree.
Okay, see what it is.
It's just a hand?
Just a--
It's a wooden hand covered in Vaseline.
Okay, Thomas, it is before you.
Boy, we've all seen this before.
Yeah.
Everywhere I look, I see this.
There we go.
Yeah, oh--
Ew, there's a lot of goo on there.
And what's the goo?
It's so thick and gooey.
It's a sauce.
It's a sauce, he says.
It's spicy.
Well, not spicy,
but peppery.
It's as far as I can--
It shouldn't be too spicy.
It's the idea that's gross.
It's just so thick and gooey.
It's kinda gonna make me gag.
- What is it? - You've never tasted this?
It's like a popular sauce, then?
It's more of a dip.
More of a dip, huh?
Maybe come back to that.
Analyze the-- Oh, there you go. Analyze the object.
It's so big, I don't even wanna get into it.
It's covered in so much crud.
- Maybe get-- - I don't wanna penetrate the crud
to get to the root of it.
And I keep touching it. It's so big.
If you go a little bit lower,
you're gonna get to a different part of it.
Back away and then go to your left.
Even more. A whole lot more to your left.
Now go-- There you go.
Now you're in a whole different world.
Oh, this is-- This is a bike tire.
- Ooh. - Yes.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
What are the various dips.
We need to guess. We need to guess.
Salsa? No 'cause there are no chunks.
If this is salsa, it's a bad salsa.
What is a peppery dip?
Oh, wait. Caesar?
Take off you mask.
What is this?
Guacamole.
Oh, yeah.
But you got the one point.
Well, that doesn't taste like guacamole at all.
Whose guac is this?
Okay, so, Rhett, you win with three points.
Thomas, you and I tie with two points each.
You both get wet willies from Thomas Middleditch.
Okay, great.
This is a big moment for me.
Yeah, this is-- Everything about this day has been weird.
Get it nice and juicy.
And...
- Oh! - Oh, yeah!
The sensation of losing.
Thanks, Thomas, for joining us.
Be sure to watch him on HBO's "Silicon Valley,"
Sunday nights at 10:00 p.m.
And keep watching to see us eat
a Taco Bell taco
stuffed into a Pop-Tart. Whoo.
Rhett:
is our E-A-R Biscuits podcast,
available wherever you get podcasts.
Treat yourself.