Good evening, subs.
Welcome back to your monthly refill of RealiTea.
Before we get into the juicy drama of this episode,
Dad needs to update you on the always-developing drama between Dad, Nexpo, and the Dark Party.
After the last episode, Dad was still working on getting Night Docs to join the Quantum Cul-de-sac.
Well, it didn't work out.
He joined Nexpo in the lawsuit.
It seems the can of FOOD wasn't delicious enough for Night Docs, and he chose the dark side.
Whatever did happen to that can of FOOD?
Well, right after Night Docs left,
another very wise investigator reached out to Dad and showed interest in joining the Quantum Cul-de-sac.
That's right. The one and only ReignBot has chosen to pursue the truth.
Welcome to the neighborhood, ReignBot.
Town, USA is a lot safer with you around.
Well, days later, Nexpo mailed Dad the lawsuit, and Dad put it to good use.
[chuckle]
[package crinkling]
To Dad...
From Nexpo.
Well, that's nice!
It's just...
a Christmas present.
Now you can start working on your new video,
telling all of your one million subscribers that everything's fine and Dad is normal.
Wow, it's a picture!
It says,
"Letter of Intent to Sue-"
Wha-?
"This Letter of Intent to Sue shall serve as a formal notice that NXP-"
Nexpo, ugh...
"intends to commence a lawsuit against you due to the following:"
"Slanderous claims regarding cult activity that does not exist, discussion of non-existent Dark Party..."
"relinquishing all subs to NXP and Co."
Fat chance! Dad would rather cut you a check.
And he'll sign it with his butthole.
Dad knows just what to do with this, Nexpo.
[paper ripping]
Oops! And now there's two lawsuits!
[giggle]
One lawsuit for doing this.
[paper crinkling]
And one lawsuit for doing this.
Ahhh.
A perfect cleansing material.
Ran out of toilet paper this morning.
[giggle]
After Dad wiped his rump with that ignorant slice of a tree, Dad's phone rang.
It was Nexpo, Loey, and Night Docs.
[Dad:] Hello?
[Nexpo:] Hi, is this Dad?
[Dad:] Yes, this is Dad. Who is this?
[Nexpo:] Hey, this is...
This is Nexpo. I just...
I needed to... I need to talk to you.
[Dad:] Oh... [Nexpo:] Actually...
[Nexpo:] It's the two of us here. We were kinda...
We've gathered here because we've been discussing a few things.
Uh, we all collectively need to talk to you.
It's uh... they can introduce themselves.
[Loey:] Yeah, Dad... it's Loey. I...
You know we're friends, but...
The stuff you've been saying online is not true, and I'm...
worried about you.
[Dad:] Dad wants to be friends with all of you.
But Dad just wants to make sure that you all understand that Dad is a normal dad.
He's an average, regular guy. There's nothing weird going on.
[Loey:] Dad...
It's not that we have a cult agenda towards you, or that we want to hurt you in any way.
We're just worried about you.
But there is no Dark Party, there is no... [sighs]
[Nexpo:] Absolutely not, of course not. There is no Dark Party here.
[Loey:] No cult.
[Nexpo:] Like I said, bygones be bygones. Let's put the lawsuit away.
Don't worry about it anymore. Just...
Let's just be cool, like we used to be. We're taking the lawsuit back.
[Dad:] Okay. [Nexpo:] So Dad...
[Nexpo:] We're gonna be friends again.
I'm gonna fix my image where I say we're not friends anymore, and I'm gonna delete those remarks.
And I'm gonna go back to normal.
[Dad:] Thanks for calling! [Loey:] Dad, we love you.
[Dad:] Dad loves you, too.
[Nexpo:] All right, Dad.
See you later.
[Dad:] Goodbye. [Loey:] We love you.
[Dad:] They want to drop the lawsuit and go back to being friends!
What a relief!
Dad is so happy that peace has been restored to this corner of YouTube.
No more feuds and drama.
Back to the regularly scheduled investigations and uploads.
[Female voice:] Dad!
[Dad:] Wha... what?
[Voice:] Dad, there's someone here.
[Dad:] What do you mean?
[Voice:] Maybe It's Cheryl?
[Dad:] No... it must be someone else.
[Voice:] I see two tall man looking in your windows.
[Dad:] Okay, you go back up there.
Dad will find out who it is.
Okay subs, Dad'll be right back.
So get ready for the new episode of RealiTea.
where Dad will get to the bottom of what happened...
to Keemstar.
Long gone are the days of independent, original, creative,
exciting, unique, forward-thinking, ambitious ideas.
The days of inspiring others through a visual medium.
The days of escaping to another world,
through an individual's writing, clever editing, and high production value.
The days when humans shared art with the world.
The days when we strived for replay value.
Now,
humans strive for disposable content, headlines, and apparently anything lacking of substance.
Today on RealiTea, Dad will dive into the enigma that is Keemstar.
A truly baffling creature.
So...
let's go on a sip trip.
Since humans have existed, they have been drawn to the gossip flame.
Tabloids, secrets, juicy drama.
In recent decades,
It was packaged with minimal flair to maintain network broadcast standards.
But the Internet threw all standards out the window.
The guilty pleasure of reality TV has devolved and been stripped down to a low-fi internet gossip garbage dump.
The bells and whistles of basic production value severed.
YouTube killed reality TV, as well as the interest for hard work in filmmaking...
with one stone.
Or did YouTube just derail humans' interests and attention spans?
Do humans need to be fixed?
Do humans need to be reminded of creative storytelling?
There's only one way to find out.
Dad will fix YouTube.
But we'll get back to that... another time.
[audio distortion]
OG YT is no more.
Disposable content rises as the creative content falls on blind eyes.
You might ask, "Dad, why promote such ignorance?"
We must learn about the human brain and why it does such things.
In Dad's research of Keemstar, he read and saw many things that he will not repeat.
These things bring Dad to tears.
Such horrible language and insults.
The epitome of ignorance spoken in a sickening tone.
Spreading lies about others to make a profit!
Gaining influence off of others' disadvantages.
Spreading false info and evil gossip!
Why would any sane individual do this?
Dad must know.
Okay.
Human name: Daniel Keene. Born inside Earth.
37 years old. Resides in Buffalo, New York.
Host of Drama Alert,
a show featuring the fights, feuds, and controversies of internet personalities
and outro-net celebrities, such as athletes and movie stars,
often times featuring incorrect information and negatively affecting innocent people.
Let's stop right there.
Why would one want to alert others of drama?
I guess an alert is used in case of an emergency.
Keemstar must be trying to prevent humans from coming in contact with surrounding drama.
Like if you were at school and there was a fight in the hallway.
You would say to the other students, "Be careful, there's drama ahead."
"Perhaps you should take an alternate route to exit the school,"
"so you can head home and finish your homework early,"
"allowing extra time before bed to read up on quantum tangibility, in order to fuel the growth of your brain"
"so you can someday travel off this planet and discover the beauty of unknown galaxies!"
Well...
unfortunately, that is not what Keemstar is doing.
Upon further research,
Dad learned he is only spreading drama and subpar content riddled with ignorance
for the mere goal of financial gain.
In 2009, he started his YouTube channel,
XDJKeemstar,
Then, five years later, in 2014, he started his new channel, DramaAlert.
But what was he up to in between?
For someone stirring up so much controversy, this period seems awfully quiet.
2011 falls right in the middle of this period.
Hmm. I'll have to come back to that.
What caused Keemstar to head down such a dark path?
Dad needs some more answers.
Let's look into his hometown.
Buffalo.
Second largest city in New York State.
Home to the Native American Iroquois tribe.
Two nearby nuclear power plants, football team, Buffalo Bills...
Wait a second.
Two nuclear power plants in one town?
That seems odd.
Well, it is the second largest city in New York.
Okay, Conax Nuclear Power Plant.
Buffalo, New York.
R.E. Ginna Nuclear Power Plant.
76 miles away in Rochester, New York.
And another just outside of Rochester.
Nine Mile Point Nuclear Plant.
Three in one area?!
It was then, at this exact second right now, that Dad was pulled down a dark rabbit hole.
It turns out,
Keemstar is surrounded on all sides by nuclear power plants,
one in particular which is right above his home in Toronto, Canada.
Pickering Nuclear Power Plant.
Nine of the ten nuclear power accidents in the entire country of Canada have been in Ontario,
four of them at the Pickering Power Plant!
1983,
1992,
1994, and most recently,
2011.
[News Anchor:] Australian experts have been studying a major accident at a nuclear plant in Canada.
It happened when fuel rods cracked,
something the manufacturer said could never happen.
[Second Anchor:] At the Pickering facility, a refueling line inside the reactor burst,
sending a deluge of radioactive water onto the floor of the reactor building.
Later, it was determined that the accident was caused from a build-up of brittle metal on the fuel rod
that caused it to crack.
[Dad:] 2011 is when there seemed to be nothing to report on Keemstar.
And the Pickering Power Plant leaked 73,000 litres-
that's 20,000 gallons-
of nuclear waste into the water of Lake Ontario from a failed pump seal.
[News Anchor:] The Pickering Nuclear Generating Station outside of Toronto
has released tens of thousands of litres into Lake Ontario.
[Second Anchor:] There is radioactive water that has gone into Lake Ontario.
Lake Ontario is the water source for millions of people in the Greater Toronto Area and beyond.
[Dad:] 2011!
That explains it all!
It makes so much sense.
The dark period of his life when seemingly nothing happened was truly his darkest days.
Little did he know,
Keemstar was poisoned with the highest concentration of radioactive runoff in the history of North America.
That is the only way so much toxic waste can come out of his mouth.
Surrounded by radiation for 30 years,
then blasted with 20,000 gallons,
turning him into the evil, raging, demon YouTube's Toxic Offender!
This is truly tragic.
What used to be a man is now a pile of radioactive desperation.
[phone rings] Excuse me. Dad's getting a call.
[Edwin:] Yo Dad, it's Edwin.
[Dad:] Hey Edwin. Thanks again for joining the Quantum Cul-de-sac.
[Edwin:] My pleasure, Dad. Anything for the Best YouTuber in the Universes.
[Dad:] So, did you end up finding any interesting news on Keemstar?
[Edwin:] Keemstar...
I do know the recent story in which he got the facts wrong,
but honestly, the story itself is kind of dark, so I don't know if we want to go there.
[Dad:] Hmm. Maybe we can spare the viewers anything too upsetting.
Yeah, honestly, I agree. But there is something that's also interesting. It's a lot more PG.
He recently had a makeup line, if you can believe that,
and the description on the website says, "Team Cosmetics aims to cure worldwide ugliness."
[Dad:] Well, that's just rude.
Why would he assume that anyone is ugly?
Every person inside this planet is beautiful.
Life as a human itself is a definition of beauty.
[Edwin:] That's so wholesome, and I... I couldn't have said it better myself! Wow.
Damn. [chuckle]
[Dad:] Well, thanks for the news, Edwin.
Keep up all your great journalisms!
[Edwin:] And thank you for the inspiration! I...
[sighs] That was beautiful.
[Dad:] Bye. [Edwin:] Bye-bye.
[Dad:] A makeup line.
It makes sense.
After turning into a radioactive toxic waste victim, he needed to hide his appearance.
So he created makeup that could cover what he considers ugly.
Daniel Keene must still be in there somewhere.
Dad needs to save him.
How does one combat such amounts of radiation?
Dad needs to call the person
who has dedicated his entire life to avoiding government control and outside contamination.
[dial tone, beeps]
[Tom:] Hello?
[Dad:] Hi, Tin Foil Tom? It's Dad.
I need your help.
[Tom:] With what?
How did you ping these coordinates?
[Dad:] I need help with Keemstar.
[Tom yelling, Geiger counter crackling]
[Tom:] What are you doing? The Geiger counter is going through the roof at the mere speaking of that game.
Are you trying to kill me?!
[Dad:] Sorry, Tom, but I need to save Daniel. He has been drowned in lethal doses of radioactive waste.
[Tom:] I know!
Why do you think I've covered myself in this impenetrable anti-government forcefield?
For my health?
[Dad:] Um, yes.
[Tom:] Oh, yeah, I did.
Well, I don't know what you can do about Keem...
[groans]
...about him.
He's a lost cause.
[Dad:] Dad won't believe that. I must save him.
How can you fight radioactivity?
[Tom:] All right, fine.
You came to the right place.
Luckily, living a life of complete solitude to investigate the Nebula Cult of Zanrax
led me to the ultimate knowledge.
I've now created my own body cream that protects my body from the government soul snatchers.
[Dad:] Does that fight radioactivity?
[Tom:] No, it's just very cool that I did that.
[Dad:] Yeah... real cool.
Can you help me or not?
[Tom:] Yeah, sure.
You'll need iodide tablets at the highest concentration in order to protect the susceptible organs.
They were given these babies out like Halloween candy in Chernobyl.
That should do the trick.
[Dad:] Thanks, Tom.
[loud knocking] [Offscreen voice:] FBI! Open up!
[Tom:] Oh crap! Gotta go!
[Dad:] What an interesting man.
So, it turns out that the source that poisoned the YouTube well
was also the same source that poisoned Earth.
Humans themselves.
Daniel used to be a human, and Dad knows there's still one in there.
Dad will send him these Chernobyl pills and defeat the drama plaguing YouTube.
Good luck, Daniel.
Dad hopes you can be restored to a kind, toxic-free human once again.
Thanks for enjoying this episode of RealiTea, subs.
Dad knows that he said he would investigate Elisa Lam,
but the hotel he planned to stay in while doing his research won't be open until next year.
So we'll have to wait for that tea.
So next time on RealiTea,
we take a look at the baffling story of Mel's Hole.
Until then, tip your cup to know what's up.
Then you'll see...
RealiTea.
Good night.
[Dad:] Ooh, exciting!
Dad knows you subs have been waiting a long time for Act III,
but trust Dad: it's coming very soon, and it will be worth the wait.
[whispers] Bye-bye.