Kind of love this one:
My teen purposely pushes my buttons.
Your teen is not consciously pushing your buttons.
Playing certain sports can make your teen grow taller.
If there were a sport like that,
everyone would probably be doing that sport.
Parents shouldn't talk to their kids about sex.
Children have riskier behavior
when they don't talk to their parents
about sex and sexuality. It's not the reverse.
Hi, I'm Dr. Blair Hammond, general pediatrician
at Mount Sinai Hospital, where I've been for 18 years.
I'm also the cofounding director
and director of medical education
of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center.
Hi, I'm Dr. Aliza Pressman,
I'm a developmental psychologist.
I'm an assistant clinical professor at Mount Sinai Hospital
and the other cofounder
of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center.
I'm also the host of the podcast Raising Good Humans.
Today, we'll be debunking myths about parenting teens.
And we're both parents of teens.
Yes.
Adolescence starts at 13 and ends at 18.
This is a myth.
It feels very comfortable to keep adolescents
in a small window.
Puberty can start as early as 8 or 9.
It doesn't just end at 18
where their prefrontal cortex is at full growth
and they're ready to go out into the world.
They still are experiencing changes into their 20s.
And this prefrontal cortex that we talk about
is this area right in the front part of the brain
that's involved with judgment, inhibition, even morality.
It's important to remember
that adolescence is a time of tremendous growth. In fact,
it's the second largest brain growth period
after that first 0-to-3 period.
All teenagers are risk-takers
who want to try drugs and alcohol.
This is not true.
Certainly, adolescence is a risk-taking time, as we know,
and it's a time of experimenting.
But many adolescents do not try alcohol or drugs.
One thing that happens in adolescents
is they are more all gas and no brakes,
and so it can mean that their impulse control
isn't mature enough to make decisions,
particularly with groups of other adolescents.
And the other thing to remember
is that the teenage brain hyper-rationalizes,
so their tendency is to look at the positive outcome.
So if you're going to get into a car,
and you've been with people who are drinking
or you've been drinking,
an adolescent brain that's hyper-rationalizing is going to say,
"There's only a 10% chance that something bad will happen."
What you want them to do is move to just thinking,
the bigger picture, what does that 10% look like?
And is that what I want for another human being or me
putting their life at danger, putting my life at danger.
And of course the answer is no.
Strict parents raise well-behaved children.
If we could change this
to strict parents sometimes raise well-behaved children
in front of them,
that would be the only way this would be true.
Strict, controlling parents may have kids
who seem like they behave,
but they have covert behaviors that are terrifying
because they are more scared of getting in trouble with you
than they are the actual danger.
If you have no boundaries and expectations,
you also can get kids who get into a lot of trouble
and make poor decisions.
Hammond: High expectations of children --
Pressman: Is great.
Hammond: Having boundaries, setting limits for your child
in a warm and sensitive way where you collaborate
and you're like,
"OK, does this seem reasonable?"
What's considered authoritative parenting,
you are less likely to have kids who act out
and misbehave in ways that are dangerous.
And I think that's what every parent
is trying to teach their child
to have that intrinsic motivation to make good choices
on their own.
Teens are addicted to social media.
For a lot of teens, it's not about addiction,
it's just about connection.
Addiction happens when you get rewards intermittently
and you keep seeking those rewards,
and you can't stop yourself
from wanting to seek those rewards.
And I think the word addiction is commonly used
when it interferes with a teen's ability to function
or to do other things they want to do.
That's when it becomes something
that you need to look at more seriously.
And then the other thing is,
remember, more than what you say,
what you do influences what your children do.
And so how can you make it something
that you both sort of learn together
and so it seems more of a discussion
and a collaborative decision about social media.
Playing certain sports can make your teen grow taller.
That is actually a myth.
If there were a sport like that,
everyone would probably be doing that sport.
So sports like volleyball and tennis
might give the appearance because it is helpful to be tall
in those sports,
but it is not the sport that has actually made them tall.
The No. 1 thing is actually genetics,
so looking at the height of each parent.
We talk about something called mid-parental height.
It is important to get good nutrition, adequate calories,
calcium, and vitamin D,
and also getting good sleep at night to help with growth.
I encouraged sports, but unfortunately,
the reason for encouraging sports
is not to make your child taller.
Playing video games will rot your teen's brain.
Mostly a myth.
So of course,
the research on video games and phones and social media
is tricky because there are a lot of confounding variables.
But for the most part,
the damage from video games that people talk about
are being sedentary,
that so much time sitting is very bad for kids.
And that violent video games
are connected with or associated with more aggressive behavior.
But actually only slightly.
Hammond: Teenagers do connect over video games,
which is something different than when we grew up
playing video games.
They now have these headsets,
and it's a way for them
to actually have social interactions.
Instead of thinking of video games as all bad,
try to understand them
and maybe even play them with your teen,
so that if that's something that they're into,
they can explain to you what's so exciting about it
and play it with you.
Teens don't need to take vitamins.
Hmm. I would say for some, this is a myth.
Some teenagers, they have very healthy diets,
and they get everything they need from their diets.
But there are a fair amount of teenagers
who are actually deficient, most commonly in vitamin D
and in iron, especially menstruating teens.
So iron is something you need for your red blood cells.
If you are bleeding every month,
you are using up red blood cells and needing more iron stores.
And it's also been shown recently
to help prevent inflammation.
Iron is often high in meats, green leafy vegetables,
but if your child is having heavy periods in particular,
that can make them at increased risk
for being iron-deficient, and in that case,
I would recommend a multivitamin.
My teen purposely pushes my buttons.
Pressman: Your teen is not consciously pushing your buttons.
They need to move away from their primary caregivers
and toward their peers.
That's part of the natural evolution of being a teen.
It hurts.
The other reason is to vent, and they need an outlet
and they need a place to just let go.
So oftentimes it feels personal,
they're pushing your buttons, but actually,
you are their safe haven,
they know you're not going anywhere,
no matter what they say to you, hopefully.
The repair is more important than the disconnect,
and that strengthens the relationship
and also builds their skill at coming together
after a disconnect.
Parents shouldn't talk to their kids about sex.
This is a common myth actually,
that if you talk to your kids about sex,
you're going to make them more interested in sex.
But actually, what has been shown
is that parents who talk to their children about sex
and have open discussions,
have kids more likely to engage in sex later
and are more likely to practice safe sex,
meaning decreased risk of sexually transmitted diseases,
decreased risks of teen pregnancy.
Pressman: Children have riskier behavior
when they don't talk to their parents about sex
and sexuality. It's not the reverse.
Not talking about something does not stop a behavior,
and in fact, it can be dangerous.
You want to be a person that they can ask questions to,
and that you can help them find the knowledge,
because if you don't, they have the internet,
they have many ways to look it up on their own,
and they can also feel like you're disapproving
and are not interested if you never bring it up.
There is no one right age to start talking about sex,
but what can be important is thinking about relationships,
about communication, about bodies, about puberty,
about sexuality, about intimacy.
And those are going to be part
of a long and wonderful relationship
that you're going to have with your child
because you're an askable parent.
Being depressed is a natural part of being a teenager.
First of all,
it is absolutely true that teenagers feel feelings bigger
and so they come across sometimes
as more emotionally charged.
So a sadness that occurs might sound like a louder sadness,
and that can be confusing when you actually have a teenager
who's experiencing depression
versus a teenager who's experiencing
the natural, much higher highs and lower lows
that are part of the adolescent brain.
Separately, depression is an epidemic in adolescents.
Eighty percent of the diagnoses in adults
were available and visible in adolescents.
Depression is so common, as you mentioned,
especially right now.
Sadly, suicide is the second leading cause of death
in children ages 10 to 24.
And there are specific symptoms of depression.
If they're really feeling sadness
to the point where they lose interest
in things they're usually interested in,
if they're socially withdrawn.
Depression can present as irritability.
Pressman: Yes.
Hammond: If you have a child who seems really angry
and really irritable,
that should be something you should investigate further
and have them talk about their feelings.
It lets them know that you're interested
in knowing how they feel and where they are.
And if you have suspicions
that your child might be having depression,
please make sure you contact their doctor and let them know,
because there's such great treatment out there.
I also try and encourage every teen
to think about mental health
like they think about physical health in a preventive way.
Exercising every day helps release endorphins
and neurochemicals
which make people feel better and happier. That's important.
Teens are lazy.
All teens are lazy is actually a myth.
One of the reasons why teens are perceived as lazy
is because they have an altered sleep-wake schedule.
Their circadian rhythm is different.
So your teen, when you want them to wake up at 7 a.m.
to go to school seems so sleepy and lazy and unmotivated.
However, if you wanted
to have a really in-depth conversation with them at 1 a.m.,
they might be really into it.
And that of course
is because of the altered sleep cycle of teens.
Only girls struggle with eating disorders.
Eating disorders do not only occur in girls.
Body image is a big thing for teens really in general,
and obsessions with being thin
is classically thought of with anorexia nervosa,
where people have restricted eating
and they take in less and have significant weight loss
and still have this obsessive thinking
that they are not thin enough and have to lose more weight.
There's bulimia, which is binge eating and purging,
either through vomiting or using laxative.
And then there's exercise disorders.
And so some of these other types of eating disorders,
you wouldn't be able to tell just looking at them.
Of course, building muscles and being physically fit
is good for your bone strength,
but we want to emphasize it from a position
of health and wellness and balance.
And another thing is there is a genetic
and behavioral link between parental eating disorders
and adolescent eating disorders.
And so if you have an unchecked eating disorder,
then there's a great motivator to get help
so that you can model healthy eating behaviors.
Boys will be boys.
We've all learned that this is a ridiculous statement,
except people still say it. So what do they mean?
I think it's a justification for a lot of negative,
unhealthy behaviors. When parents feel out of control,
and they can't figure out what to do with their son,
they might say something like "boys will be boys."
They're talking about excusing impulse-control
behavior problems.
They're talking about how there are myths
about boys' sexuality and their developing sex drive
and how they're looking at other people.
And none of those things are actually true.
Are there differences between female and male
birth assignment and adolescent developing brains?
There are minor differences.
When you look at the statistics,
they're not big enough to brush it off as boys will be boys,
and it's super toxic to blame behaviors
and have lower expectations of an adolescent
simply because their sex assignment with birth was male.
The only person you can control is you.
And so as a parent,
you have to think of how you can change your actions
to help your child.
Remembering that the adolescent brain
is going through a huge, huge amount of growth,
changes, and renovations, and that with your support
and understanding, along with
all of the appropriate boundaries that you provide,
they're going to do great.
Yeah, I love parenting an adolescent.
Me too.