Maybe I get to start with a disclaimer because I don't know
how well I'm doing with this. I want to do
what we're talking about here today and I aspire to be a
real man in a relationship. The societal definitions of what that means may or
may not serve us well. Let's talk about what a real man is
and what a real man does.
First of all, a real man is respectful.
And there are 3 levels of respect I think.
Respect for self and others, respective of property
and respect for authority. Those 3 levels of respect I think
define what a real man looks like. Some people get confused about what
respect means. You know what? It's not that complicated.
In fact, I've interviewed hundreds of children in my career as a
psychologist and this is one of the questions that I
commonly asked when I was doing assessments for children,
"Respect means what? Or to be respectful what does it mean?"
And I got the most consistent answers from kids.
They said, "It means to be nice." I love that. I love that simplicity. So,
maybe we could simplify that, "A real man knows how to be nice."
The next part of our definition of a real man
is to have integrity. I'll define that too. The way I like to define it the best
is that integrity happens when what we say matches what people
experience from us. In other words, you say what you mean and you mean what you
say. You show up and you back up your word.
There was a day in our society when people could
give their word and that was enough. And they would not go back on that no
matter what. I think the way that society has changed
and in some of the different expectations that we have now,
we've lost some of that power. I know a little bit about
Finnish culture. I'm fluent in the language of Finland as well.
And there's an old saying in Finland called
[Finnish]
It basically means the power of the word. What happens when we give our word?
One of my colleagues in the speaking industry Mark Sanborn put it this way,
"Integrity is the distance between your lips and your life."
I like that. Let's make sure that what we speak
actually manifests in our life. Especially in the context of a
relationship, a real man is a guardian
of virtue. I think this happens on a couple of different levels too. I think
it has to do with personal virtue, making the right choices, doing the right
things for the right reasons but also putting
other people in a position that it's easy for them to do the same.
I got to work on a gang unit in a juvenile correctional facility when I
was doing my clinical internship. It was crazy to me how these gangs
developed so much power and influence over each other.
But it was usually empowering each other to commit
crimes and to do the initiations and to jump people
in. They weren't supporting virtue, they weren't
guardians of virtue. What if we could shift our mindset
to where everything that we do is geared toward being a champion of
and a guardian of virtue? How would we show up for each other differently?
How would we treat each other in that circumstance?
Be a guardian of virtue. A real man is a builder not a wrecker.
I shared a poem in my book that was originally authored by
Charles Benvegar that goes like this, I watched them tear a building down, a
gang of men in a busy town. With a ho heave hoe and a lusty yell,
they swung a beam and a side wall fell. I asked the foreman, "Are these men
skilled as the men you'd hire if you had to build?" He gave me a laugh and said,
"No, indeed just common labor is all I need.
I can easily wreck in a day or two what builders have taken a year to do.
I thought to myself as I went my way, "Which of these two roles have I tried to
play? Am I a builder who works with care
measuring life by the rule and square? Am I patiently laying a well-made plan,
patiently doing the best that I can? Or am I a
wrecker who walks the town content with the labor of tearing down?
I love that poem and what it means about being a real man. I think it has to do
with building not wrecking, producing not
consuming, bringing to the table more value than we
take away. That's being a real man. Little
disclaimer, real men are not perfect men. Real men
make mistakes. So, real men are quick to repent
and even quicker to forgive. This has to do with the humility
of acknowledging our weaknesses or our mistakes and taking care of those as
soon as we can. And allowing other people the same
privilege. That's what a real man does. Forgiveness is not an easy task.
But I think it's essential to the character that is defined by what we're
calling here a real man. And let's wrap it up with this, "A real
man chooses love over hate."
I know I'm departing from some of the traditional
macho stereotypes of what a real man is. But for me especially when it comes to
relationships, a real man chooses love.
Think about it, every interaction that we have with other people
will be on one side or the other of this particular
spectrum. Either it's a love choice or it's a hate choice, either a little or
a lot. And a real man always chooses love
over hate. Our relationships can be tricky.
If you've thought about getting some coaching
around your relationships, I'd be happy to be on your team.
We've got a whole team of coaches that are ready to support and assist you.
Come and see what's going on at Live On Purpose Central
go.liveonpurposecentral.com. We'll see you there