one of the cruelest ways the damage shows up from neglect and abuse in childhood
is that we go through life either alone or in relationships where we're not loved not safe and
not happy it's not supposed to be that way and if you have childhood ptsd and you're wondering
why you keep attracting people who are either not functional not into you or outright hurtful to you
you're going to want to watch this video my name is anna runkle also known as the crappy
childhood fairy and i teach people how to heal the symptoms of complex ptsd and childhood ptsd
and having relationships with the wrong kind of people is definitely one of those symptoms that is
how my childhood trauma manifested for me when i used to live my life stuck in a loop between alone
and in a bad relationship one or the other i'm making this video for those of you who are in
that loop right now and if you're actually in a good relationship keep watching because what i'm
going to teach you here can be applied to a lot of other aspects of life like
work and creativity and fulfilling the dreams and goals that you have but haven't achieved
yet but let me focus on romance basically if you had trauma as a kid romance is one
big area where you can end up with not just less than you really want but with something you never
wanted you try to meet someone you like who's a solid person someone you can trust and even when
you think you found them they let you down they push you away or they turn out to have some giant
problem like they're already in a relationship or they have an addiction or they just can't
be there for you for one reason or another and you wonder why didn't you see it coming right if
you're like a lot of people with childhood ptsd it's not even clear how this blind spot happens
everything seemed so good right they said all the right things there were promises made
your heart flew wide open to them and you were feeling really good about it
and then bam you find out how wrong you were and the horrible truth is a lot of us stay in
those relationships if they don't leave us for no better reason than we just can't face the prospect
of a breakup or of being single again it's too triggering of old abandonment wounds
so we hold on as long as we can whether it ends now or later we lose years of our lives this way
so if this is familiar to you and you're drained and you're confused i want to tell you why
this experience this moment where you just lost what you thought was a good relationship is an
incredible opportunity to heal not a tragedy an opportunity now when you get pushed out of
a relationship with the wrong person whether you know it or not you've just taken a big step closer
to the right person because right now your path is clear with some healing the right person can
find you so if you're feeling ready for this good thing to happen to meet up with the right person
i have some advice for you the job in front of you is not to run out there and meet someone not yet
but instead to raise the brightness of what i call your cab light
cab light do you know this term you know how taxi cabs have a light on top and when the cab lights
off it means there's already a passenger in that cab but when the light is on hey it's free well
this is a metaphor that refers to the vibe of someone who's ready and open to meet a really
great new person a cab light now what happens when your cab light won't come on has this ever
happened you feel ready to meet someone you're thinking about it all the time and maybe reaching
out to people and putting in a lot of effort but it's like no one can see you you're not attracting
interest or you're attracting interest but not the right kind or not the right people
that's a broken cab light by the way where you're trying to meet someone but the only ones noticing
you aren't anyone who's safe or appropriate or available for you and if you're feeling anxious
to meet someone it's tempting to rush in and think oh you know i can just make it work right
have you ever done that i have where you bond with that person and then realize who they actually are
and then spend the next two years or so trying to retrofit them into the person you hoped they were
the first time you met and you know how that ends right now when your cab light's working properly
and it comes on good people show up in your life people who are appropriate wonderful totally happy
to be with you so how do you make that happen how can you get your cab light to shine bright in just
the right way to attract just the right person for you i'm going to tell you but let me first explain
what may have been standing in your way so far if you grew up with trauma like abuse being demeaned
neglected going hungry not being protected from danger these hardships even when they're over
can leave traces all over your life wounds blind spots pockets of low self-esteem that kind of leak
out even when you're on your best behavior so for example if your aim is to have a family then you
would only want to attract people with the same goal and who were capable of you know caring for
kids earning a living supporting life as a family and if you want to have a marriage then you'd only
want to attract a partner who could do that who's free to marry you as in not already married and
able and willing to make a lifetime commitment to you if things go well so the question is
if you're not attracting these things if you're getting entangled with the wrong kinds of people
who can never be what you want or aren't even trying what are you communicating about yourself
that's leaving these needs of yours just dangling out there unmet unseen if you're not attracting
what you want your cab light is not working so you can think of a working cab light as the set
of signs that you give off that a partner who's a good fit would be looking for when they meet you
healthy people look for the signs of what they want and they stay away from people
who communicate something different than that the people who don't really care what signals you're
sending are the messed up people the people who aren't healed yet or the people who are actually
looking for not love but a quick fix relationship and for them the stakes are really low they don't
care so if you're not clear who you are and what you're seeking then your cab light can't
communicate it for you and in that case you're going to get whoever you get but not who you want
now i'm simplifying it but this in a nutshell is how we end up in empty and miserable
relationships blaming the other person but really the problem began because we were carrying around
enough trauma that we just couldn't shine a light that could attract the kind of person we wanted
now the good news is you have the potential to change this and it starts in here healing the
hurts that dim your light and you do this both through brain healing and through a loving and
honest self-assessment around where you might be putting up a barrier between where you are
and where you want to be now what kinds of barriers am i talking about well maybe you're
not taking care of yourself or you're letting tv and spacing out take up all your free time
or you're being way over busy or this is a big one you're isolating nowadays it's easier than ever to
do that and if this is your tendency i urge you to fight it and to fight the hundred ways that
your light gets turned off right when you need it so what else are some things that hide your light
being already in a relationship that's not healthy or happy for you for one thing bad relationships
they wreck your sparkle and they squash your confidence and though you might be thinking that
you can hold on for a while until you meet the right person healthy people don't want to meet
you like that they don't want to be involved with people who are already attached or with people
who are too insecure to be on their own when that's the right thing to do you want a person
who's picky like that not someone who gets into a relationship that's compromised or demeaning
you want someone who cares about themselves enough to hold out for a good person someone bright and
shiny and whole and available that's what healthy people do so how can you tell if you're sending
signals that you're not truly available this is where a loving and honest self-assessment comes in
to ask yourself if maybe there are barriers you're putting up that are keeping the good partners away
addictions would fall into this category drugs drinking and porn for example are all things
that people feel like they're doing privately but in reality they change your energy they change
your countenance and unhealed people might not be able to tell the difference but healthy people can
tell pretty quickly and they're not attracted now carrying a lot of anger is another barrier
also having a lot of drama or conflict in your life not that you can always control this but a
lot of times a pattern of drama and conflict could point to a lot of wounding and a high probability
that this is what you'd bring to a relationship so just like addictions and anger drama and conflict
deserve to be at the very top of your list of where to focus your healing when you're working on
getting that shine up in that light of yours another barrier is when your romantic energy isn't
contained within you right there right ready to be shared with another person when the time is right
you could be leaking that potential that emotional availability all around you with
maybe staying too connected to an x or two or three or being caught up in casual relationships
where you have some vague plan to just get rid of those people if the right person comes along
you know it's easy to think that it's a small thing and if no one really knows about it it won't
affect your ability to meet someone new but you know what my experience is it dims your cab light
and healthy people who are looking for someone intact and capable of sharing their lives in a
good way are just not likely to be interested in someone who has one foot in another relationship
even if that's a fantasy relationship healthy people can sense that too they're looking for a
bright cab light and that's someone who is totally present mostly healed don't have to be perfect and
free of past entanglements now it might be harsh to hear but i'm telling you it's a very powerful
shift to make this is all stuff that i teach in my dating and relationships course for people with
childhood ptsd and if you're interested i've put a link to that in the description section below
but i've found people with a rough childhood can have great relationships it just takes
a little extra healing sometimes now if you like this video you're going to want to watch
this one about trauma driven beliefs that are standing in the way of you finding real love
you