Today, I want to talk about the importance of listening.
I mean, you know the basics obviously,
because you're going to need to listen about listening to learn
anything about listening.
Listening is one of the most important parts
of conversation.
It's also the easiest, because really, you just
have to stand there, and maybe blink or nod once in a while.
You know, that's it.
And that way no one can really tell
if you're actually listening, or if you're just
thinking about like dogs that ride skateboards in your head
or something like that.
But the only time that this doesn't work
is if someone asks you to repeat what they just said,
or what their name is, or any question at all really.
But then you have two options, and one
is to just kiss them and start making out
with them immediately.
Or I'll just run.
It depends on who they are obviously.
Of course to be listening, someone
has to be talking because you can have two people listening
at the same time.
That's not a conversation-- that's just two people
staring at each other, and that's awkward.
And when things get awkward, people start talking too much.
Not me.
I talk when something is important,
when I have to say something important, for instance--
it doesn't matter what.
I was talking listening.
Basically every conversation needs a listener
to do the listening, and a talker to do the talking,
and boots are made for walking.
So--
Hello?
Is this on now?
Howie?
Howie, you're not-- you're not supposed to be here yet.
They said I was on after the monologue.
Did you do the monologue?
I'm in the middle of it right now.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I'll be I'll be honest with you.
I wasn't listening.
No, and don't laugh at that, people,
because-- can I just say something?
I believe that listening is important.
And I feel bad.
I hope you know-- you know the basics of listening
because you're going to need to listen about listening to learn
anything about listening.
Anyway.
That's what I said.
I was talking about listening.
You were?
Yeah.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
I know I'm early, but this is the time they gave me,
and I don't have a say in this.
Can I just be on your show now?
Yeah, let's start now.
I'll go sit down.
This is Howie Mandel, everybody.
Thank you.
Are you in a bunker?
Where are you?
I'll show you where I'm at.
I know most people don't Zoom any more.
I would love to be there with you.
It's not up to me.
Can I just do this?
I'll just-- go, no.
I'm just going to stick my hand out the thing.
I'm in a-- it's just me, a chair, and a bucket.
Anyway.
Oh.
And I'm not getting great cell service.
OK, well, it's great that they give you
a phone, though, that's nice they left on your phone.
Well, this is-- I talked the guy into--
this is the second call.
I had one call, but that was an incoming call.
Apparently my warranty is overdue, so I was on that call.
And then I said I got to make one call, they said right now.
And that's why-- I'm sorry I didn't hear your--
but it's great to be back.
It's great to see you.
Hey, I want to thank you.
You're the guy that when we say, can you do this,
you never say no.
You always jump on whatever we ask you.
You did two shows from your house.
Thank you for doing that.
How did you feel?
You know, actually it was great.
Actually, it wasn't from my house.
It was from my garage and my driveway.
So I'm used to working on the road,
this is just a little up from the road.
It's just my driveway.
It actually was great.
You know that I made $163.
We sold three things from the garage
during those performances, and only one return.
Oh, congratulations.
That's great.
And your granddaughter came on.
She wanted people to buy Girl Scout cookies.
How did she do?
Oh that's a little bit-- she's like that Jeff Bezos
of the Girl Scouts now.
You know, you were nice enough to put on your website,
on the Ellen Show website, where people
can get cookies, which I thought was a nice gesture--
this is not a joke.
The president of the American Girl Scouts Association
called my daughter and said, what happened?
We didn't tell them that we were going on Ellen,
or that you were going to post it.
She sold, I think in the first week after the show aired,
20,000 boxes.
You know, and it all goes to really good causes,
but they made Abbey, who's my granddaughter,
they had to make her, her own website.
So you can buy Girl Scout cookies from Girl Scouts,
and then if you want to make major orders--
she's like the Costco or the Amazon of Girl Scouts,
then you go to Abby's site.
Wow, that is fantastic.
I'm so happy that we did that, and that she could do it.
Somebody told me that you were sick.
How are you feeling?
I'm good.
You know what?
I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac.
I know.
This is going to sound--
I don't know if I want to talk about it--
I will talk about it.
I was doing telehealth, and I'm older--
I'm your age.
But you know, I'm trying to put this in daytime terms.
I don't want to go get a colonoscopy.
You know?
I don't think that wearing a mask would even make that safe.
So I saw these commercials where you can get the same kind
of-- you can get like a check up where you put a stool sample
in a box, and then you take it to the doctor--
have you seen that commercial?
No.
Has anybody?
I just want to check now.
Other people have seen this, right?
I'm not the only one putting poop in a box.
Three people are holding their hands up.
Most people are disgusted.
I'm not going for disgusting.
We're all adults here.
Anyway, I had to poop in a box.
I took it to the doctor's office.
The doctor looks at me and says Howie, what
do you want me to do with this?
That's what he says to me.
And I went, hey come on, you're the dentist not me.
How did how did I know it was going to be the dentist?
So you're so you're fully vaccinated.
Do you have any side effects from that?
Yeah, well, yeah I've got my second side effect--
I've got my second vaccine.
And the side effects, they say that this doesn't happen
to a lot of people, but I think what
they said is 13% sexier now.
I'm 13% sexier after the second vaccine.
Wow.
Can't you tell?
I'm not-- this is not a filter.
I swear to God, this is not a filter.
This is me.
This is the glory and the sexiness of Howie Mandel.
I was-- I was feeling-- look at that.
I was feeling a pull.
I could-- is your wife feeling that too?
Does she feel you're 13% sexier?
No.
My wife, she said she was feeling lethargic and down,
and I said, honey, you just got to get up and move.
So she's been gone for three weeks now.
I'm sure she feels better wherever she is.
You know, we celebrated 40 and 41, way back in March.
And she's just happy-- there she is, that my beauty.
That's not my-- it's beauty.
That's Terry, who I've been with for forever,
and that's the love of my life.
And she's just happy that I'm out now.
I'm working.
I'm not in the house anymore.
Well, she probably is the one that had me arrested
and just to keep her--
because she says that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
And I can't tell you how fond her heart is right now.
Aww, what are you, besides obviously
whatever you did to get thrown in jail, what kind of skills
have you learned over lockdown?
Have you tried new things?
You know, I'm inspired by my show.
I'm inspired by "America's Got Talent,"
and just when I think I've seen everything,
I realized I ain't seen nothing yet.
And I'm inspired to try things.
So what I was trying was a ventriloquism--
which I'm fascinated by--
ventriloquism, but doing it acappella.
And I've just gotten into this.
So acappella, for those who don't understand,
if you're going to be a singer, acappella is without the music.
Right?
Right.
Ventriloquism acappella is without using
the words or the puppet.
All you see is me moving my lips.
Watch.
Do you hear anything?
No, you're really good at it.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I haven't come up with a name for my puppet
that I don't have but--
Wow, and even sexier when you're doing that, so--
That's the vaccine.
That's not me.
Yeah, OK.
That's the vaccine.
That's the side effect.
All right, Howie, we have to take a break.
I have so many more questions for you.
So, I was going to say, don't go anywhere but you really can't.
Can I talk to the warden?
Can I get--
All right, we'll be right back.
We're back with Howie Mandel.
That was a clip from the new season of "America's Got
Talent."
What can you tell us about the new season so far?
It's so good, number one, to be back with everyone
that was there before.
You know, Sophia, and Heidi, and Simon
is doing better than he's ever done before.
He's stronger and healthier than he's ever been.
Terry is back.
I was so excited after this year that we all
have, just to be sitting at the same table with all my friends.
It's just-- I think I'm driving everybody crazy
because I'm just so thrilled to be in a room with other
people--
not like today.
I love that show, and I can't wait to see it,
and I love all of you together.
And you had a new podcast.
And what is that--
what's the podcast about?
Well I love AGT.
Everybody's got to watch AGT.
The podcast I'm doing with my daughter,
It's called Howie Mandel does Stuff.
My daughter is Jacqueline Schultz, who was on your show
when I was hosting.
And we do everything from prank calls to,
my daughter signed by my son up without him
knowing to dating sites.
She's trying to get him dates.
I apply for jobs.
I said prank calls.
Challenges.
I talk to my friends on the line, everything
from seances to pranks.
It's just stuff with me and my daughter.
And your daughter, you say, is just as neurotic as you are.
She is.
She-- I think she's more.
You know how they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?
Yes.
It's still-- it hasn't even left the branch.
It is.
She's-- you know, I'm not thrilled about this.
You want the best for your children,
but she's even more neurotic than me.
She didn't go outside for the entire year.
She didn't go outside.
When I had to visit my grandchildren, I visited--
I went to the--
I climbed a tree and looked in the window.
You know?
But she's so smart and so wonderful, she's got her own--
look for her, Jackelyn Schultz.
She has her own socials.
She's a teacher.
She taught in the inner city for 10 years now.
She has her own children.
She didn't bring them home from class,
I mean she made them, right?
I see.
But it can't have been easy to be your daughter.
Tell everybody what happened when your daughter got engaged.
Oh.
You know what?
It's funny you bring up that story.
That story is a funny story.
It's a little bit of a long story.
But I bought my daughters--
I arranged for my daughters to--
we got two cars.
They got little white cars.
And my younger daughter-- this is going to make sense
in a minute--
my younger daughter calls me one day crying saying that somebody
stole her car.
So I called the police, and I gave them
the description of the car, and it was reported stolen,
and they were looking for the car.
Two days later, my younger daughter calls me back
and she goes, nevermind dad, I found the car.
I forgot I parked it at the mall, so it wasn't stolen.
That's the setup.
I never called the cops to tell them
that they found my daughter's car.
Not only did I not tell them that they found
my daughter's car, but my two daughters
had the exact same car-- just different license plates.
I had given the wrong license plate and reported that stolen.
My daughter, who had been going out
with who is her husband now, for months,
was pushing for an engagement.
She was is tonight the night?
Tonight?
And she was driving him nuts, and it was going to happen,
but she was really pushing for it.
One night, they're pulling up to valet parking
to a restaurant in Santa Monica--
they are totally surrounded overhead
with a helicopter, nine cop cars, get out of the car,
all their guns are pulled at them,
and they're screaming get out of the car, get out of the car.
And because Jackie is my daughter,
she assumes that this is what her husband has
done as a practical joke for the engagement.
And they're saying get out of the car
now, she's going, very funny, Alex.
This is not funny.
This is not the way I saw it.
And the guy's going-- get out of-- and he's swearing.
Get out of the effing car.
So she gets out of the car--
the guy says, put your hands behind your back.
My daughter thinks this is the thing.
She extends her finger, because she
thinks the cop's going to put a ring on her finger.
It turns out they thought they were driving a stolen car.
I had to go down and settle everything.
It was not the engagement, but being Howie Mandel's daughter,
you just assume when something crazy like that happens,
it's par for the course.
Oh my God, what a great story.
Howie--
It is a great story.
It's a great story.
It's a sad story, but it's a great story.
We have to take a break, and we're
going to play a game after this.
Is that OK?
Does it look like I'm going anywhere?
Yeah, OK.
All right, we'll be back.
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel,
so you can see more awesome videos,
like videos of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things
like ball peen hammer.
And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities,
if you're into that sort of thing.
God [BLEEP]