- Welcome everybody.
It's What A Joke with Papa and Fortune.
Good morning, Fortune.
- Hey Tom.
- How was your weekend?
- It was good.
Just had some ice cream, called mama.
- You look so pretty today.
- Well, I just started testosterone.
- What? Why would you do that?
- I went to a longevity doctor that
Rogan told me I should go to.
- Wait. What?
- Yeah. Do I sound like Fortune at all?
- You kind of do.
- My name is Bert Kreischer.
- It's Bert Kreischer everybody. Bert is here.
- Oh, look who showed up!
- On the big day. How dare you.
He's here on the big day.
His special is airing on Netflix today.
- Whoa.
- Razzle Dazzle.
- (Singing) Give 'em the old razzle dazzle.
(Upbeat music)
- I love talking about my health.
- Yeah.
- I'm super aggressive about getting blood work,
I go to the cardiologist every six months.
He said casually
have you ever thought about getting on testosterone?
And I went, I- no,
but I have a bunch of friends that do it.
- Yeah.
- And he goes, you may wanna get on testosterone.
It's, it's really good for your recovery, your sleep.
- Whoa.
- Your energy levels.
But more importantly, it repairs livers.
So like, it'll reverse fatty liver.
- No.
- And I went "For real?"
That's, I go, that's all you had to say.
I started yesterday.
I have like a whole regiment.
- Man. So when does he say, that,
it'll take, like, you'll start to feel the effects.
- I-I lost five pounds yesterday.
- Yesterday?
- What?
(All laughing)
- Jesus.
- I lost five pounds.
- That's crazy.
- I know!
- How?! Your body was just like
repairing itself immediately?
- I-I don't know. I slept amazing.
- I have the question everyone's thinking.
- Shoot.
- How's it affect that old wiener?
(Laughing offscreen)
- Oh, it's, it's gonna be a full steam.
- Uh, no Leann's in Vietnam, so I wouldn't know.
(Laughing)
- What?
- I dunno.
- It actually, they say it's supposed to make it, uh,
back to its old days, outta retirement.
- That's why, that's why I'm curious.
- No more bike rides for Leanne.
(All laughing)
Good luck going to yoga, honey.
- She is about to get the razzle dazzle.
(All laughing)
- Yeah.
- Razzle Dazzle.
- Yeah. What do you think of the name?
- I love the name.
- I love it.
- I'm name heavy on specials.
Like, I, like. Secret Time was the best name
of any special I ever had because, I,
it was so in my lexicon.
- And you still say it all the time?
- I, I say it all the time.
I think I might've just said it out...
- You just said it out there, yeah.
- You did, yeah.
- Yeah, cause I love secrets.
I love secrets.
- Right.
- My buddy the other day called me and he told me
"Can I tell you a secret?"
And I was like, oh, I'm the wrong guy.
I go, but I, of course I go, "Yeah".
And he goes, "My, my wife can't give a blowjob, at all.
And I, and I don't know how to approach this with her".
And I was like, "I don't know".
And so I go home, I see Leanne and immediately I'm like
"Tom said Christina can't give a blowjob".
(Laughing)
Oh shit, did I say the name?
Okay, anyway. No, I'm joking.
(Bret laughs)
I love secrets!
- To be clear, it's a different Tom. Just to be clear.
- And a different Christina.
(laughing)
- Segura, Segura.
Um, so Secret Time's my favorite name of a special
I loved Hey Big Boy because, uh,
it's what my daughters called me.
And then what I named the tour, the Birdie Boy tour.
And I, what's crazy about naming the Birdie Boy tour is,
only Leanne and my sisters would call me Birdie boy.
My daughters call me Big boy.
- [Fortune] Yeah.
- But they would call me Birdie Boy
and they're the only ones who called me Birdie Boy.
And they only, it meant that they loved me,
it was like an endearment.
And then fans started seeing me like
"Hey, birdie boy".
And it made me feel like the way when my sisters said it
so it was like fucking awesome.
I loved it.
And then this one, I've been saying razzle-dazzle
an aggressive amount of times in my life.
I do it when I go to McDonald's.
I'll give 'em 200 bucks and go razzle dazzle.
- And they just like fill the bag up with a bunch of stuff?
- Yeah. Razzle dazzle. Like, you know what?
Like appetizers, razzle dazzle.
Like I just wanted to feel razzle dazzle.
And so I do it with everything.
- Where'd it start?
- It started on, on Trip-flip my Travel Channel Show.
We would go out to eat with a group of 11
and the waitress would come over.
We were working with this guy once
this older guy, John Burston.
And he was a, he was a straight dude
but he was a little flamboyant, you know,
like "You gotta throw money at it".
"You gotta, you gotta spend money to make money".
That, that's the way he talked and he was fun.
And they came over one time and they go
"What do you guys want for appetizer?"
He goes: "Oh!, razzle dazzle!"
(Laughing)
And, and I, I've said it ever since.
It was like my favorite moment.
And so I always, and this guy John Burston
and I learned a great deal from this guy.
But, uh, but he was just a fun.
"Oh, razzle dazzle."
The way he said it was so funny
that I started saying it in my life,
when we go and especially we did a Hot Summer Nights tour
cause we were with a group of like 10 in the bus.
I would, we'd go into a McDonald's and I, I wouldn't
I didn't wanna spend the time to get everyone to
take an order, so I give 'em 200 bucks
and just go: "razzle dazzle".
- And they would do it?
They'd just throw a bunch of stuff in there?
- I mean. I just did it the other night.
I literally did it the other night.
- That's my dream.
I love people surprising me with just a bunch of food.
- I, I used to go with Arian, a bunch of comics,
to Salt Lake Park City to go skiing.
And there's a, there's a, uh,
one of the taco places
not the good one, but the second to good one.
- Del Taco?
- Del Taco, there's a Del Taco.
God, Wow.
Wow.
You should understand your branding Del Taco.
(all laughing)
- The second, the second good one.
- Number two for a reason.
(Laughing)
- When you can't find Taco Bell.
- Yeah. What's the second one? Del Taco.
- And you want, and you want fries.
- And so we were coming back from Wise Guys and we were high
as shit and we were drunk and I go: "pull over".
We were in a car, in a taxi.
And he's like, what?
I go: "Pull over, we're getting tacos".
The guy in the cab, he goes, what is, he goes,
"What do you guys want to order?"
And I just go: "tell 'em razzle dazzle $200".
And they go, guy goes: "Razzle dazzle $200".
Guy goes, go ahead and pull forward.
And we ate tacos for three days.
(laughing)
- That's amazing.
Uh, Bert, does razzle dazzle have other meaning?
Like other than food?
- It's, it's anything that makes anything special.
I live my life, I like, I was gonna write a self-help book
because more people are like me
than are like Dave, David Goggins.
- Right.
- Like, so, and I was like
and I've succeeded and people will probably,
could figure out my path to success,
- Yeah.
- quicker than his path,
his path is run 50 miles every morning when you wake up.
A lot of people don't have that in them.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- But a lot of people can figure out,
like the first chapter of my self-help book was
give yourself a nickname.
Like you, you need, cause you need like a persona,
and then that persona will be really attached
to who you actually are, and you, and you blur the lines.
- [Tom] Right.
- And then you actually become the superhero you want to be.
- Right.
- I'm the machine.
- Is yours Birdie Boy?
- I'm the machine.
- Oh, the machine, that's right, that's right.
- I'm the machine's like, I'm the machine. I get up.
I got up at six thirty this morning, took my pills,
got in the gym. We did, uh, squats.
- Shit yourself.
- I, oh, I, I pissed myself.
I pissed myself in the gym.
And, and then I come here, I do this,
I have a podcast right after this.
I have a pitch Judd after that.
And then I have Fighter and the Kid
down in the whatcha call it.
But I work all day long.
- Right.
- I partied last night. I had wine with my parents.
I got a haircut during that.
- That's amazing.
- I love cramming stuff in, I love.
- Now were you always that way or was it...
- No.
- once the nickname got in, you kind of, like you said
start evolving into that active guy.
- Well, I think when the nickname showed up, I,
when the nickname first showed up, I turned in,
I would, I would, I would, when the mob would say like
tonight we party with the machine.
I would step it up a little bit.
Right. But what had happened was, when Rogan was
the first one to really kind of cement that nickname and
and he would say phrases like, "God, you are the machine".
And I would be like, "yeah, I am".
And, and then, and and when I, I
and then I would believe it, I would believe it.
And so when, when I ran the L.A. marathon with no training,
- Which was crazy.
- I was like, yeah, I'm the machine.
I'll do whatever I want.
And then I did it. And then when I did it, I went,
I started saying, you know
I have a great story with Rogan.
I was drunk on a motorcycle in Vietnam,
uh, running through rice paddies like
at like 60 miles an hour in dirt roads.
- [Tom] Right.
And I was listening to The Doors and, and I was high
and I was drunk and I was, the sun was setting
there's oxen on each side of me
and I'm just, and I'm, my shirt's wide open.
I have flip flops on. I'm on an old Russian Ural
and I'm flying and he called me in the middle,
I'm working for Travel channel.
And he goes, and I, my phone rings and my headsets are in,
I pull over, I said, "What's up, buddy?"
And he goes, "What are you doing right now?"
I said, "I'm, uh, running motorcycles
through rice paddies in Vietnam drunk and high".
And he's quiet for like three seconds and he goes,
"Shit, you are the machine".
And he's like, "You know man," he goes
"you gotta quit this Travel Channel show.
This is who you are.
It's not the guy that's hosting this show.
It's this guy right here".
- Right.
- "This guy who's living his life
and doing wild shit, that's who you are.
And if you don't talk about this on stage, you're, you're
you're short changing yourself.
If you just lived this life
hosting a show on travel channel,
And don't be the guy, drunken, high, riding motorcycles
through rice paddies in Vietnam
and talk about that on stage,
then you're short-changing who you are."
It was a very pivotal conversation I had with him.
I remember getting back on that motorcycle and believing it.
And getting chill bumps and going
"I'm the fucking machine."
And then I almost wrecked, uh, and then my wife called
on the same, same motorcycle ride.
She goes, "Hey baby doll, what are you doing?"
I said, well it worked so well with Joe,
I go, "I'm high as shit, I'm drunk as fuck
and I'm running motorcycles through
rice patties in Vietnam".
And she was like: "You are not the fucking machine.
You are a father of two with high blood pressure
and high cholesterol, walk that motorcycle home".
- You are baby doll.
- Yeah! "You are baby doll.
Getting the fuck off that car. Get the,
You don't know how to ride a motorcycle.
Do you have a helmet on?"
And I was like, "I don't have a helmet on."
- I'm in flip flops.
(All laughing)