- Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for Snoop Dogg.
- Snoop, D-O double G!
- Snoop Dogg.
(upbeat music)
- I don't need no warm up.
I been smoking and drinking, I feel real good about myself.
(audience applauds)
- [Audience Member] Whoo!
- Now check this out.
I done done a whole bunch of roasts right?
But they never let a real player on stage with me,
until tonight.
We got Ludacris in the motherfuckin' house.
(audience cheering) Luda!
Luda!
I love that song of yours where you said
♪ If you a pimp and you know it ♪
♪ You don't love them hoes ♪
That shit was tight.
(audience laughing)
But you know who else said that that was tight?
Me, 15 years before you did it, nigga.
Stop bitin' my shit.
(audience laughing)
But here's one of Ludacris's original rhymes.
♪ There's hoes in the room ♪
♪ There's hoes in the car ♪
♪ There's hoes on the stage ♪
♪ There's hoes by the bar ♪
Nigga, are you a rapper or Dr. Seuss?
(audience laughing)
Now, this little bitty, fine, little (smacks lip)
Natasha Legero.
Is that how you say it, LeGhetto?
- No but that's okay. - LeGhetto.
(audience laughing) that's how we say it.
I seen how you was looking at me though, right?
(audience laughing)
What I wanna know is have you ever
sucked a black dick before?
(audience laughing)
Hey I'm going off script right now.
I just really wanna know.
(audience laughing)
Hey.
Hey something about this pimpin', man.
You understand me?
When I'm pimpin', man, that shit just
go every direction. (audience laughing)
Hannibal Buress.
You the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off of it.
(audience laughing)
Now, Jeff Ross.
Check this out, Jeff.
- Yes, sir.
- Now see, Jeff is what you call a throw back
because his face looks like something
that you could have a hook in it.
(audience laughing)
That's right, that's a fishing joke.
(audience laughing)
I fish, motherfuckers.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, Dogg.
- Not that I just said what I needed to say
about all the rest of these hoes and bitches
up on this stage, it's time to talk
about the bitch of the hour.
Justin leave it to Bieber.
(audience applauds)
Justin's life changed when Usher heard
one of his songs and liked it
which only goes to prove
that Usher aint black.
(audience laughing)
Now Justin, you release so many horrible
and unwatchable videos,
you should change your name to Vanilla Isis.
- Oh! (audience laughing)
Oh, what the fuck, Snoop? - No, no, no,
real shit, though, real shit. - Oh shit.
- This is my nigga right here,
nigga. - Oh shit.
- Hold on, nigga, this is my nigga.
- [Kevin] What the fuck?
- Nigga, this is my nigga, nigga.
You had your shot, nigga.
This is my nigga right here,
- What the fuck? - Nigga.
(audience laughing)
Nigga.
God damn.
Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga.
(audience laughing)
Now, most niggas, like myself,
we go a little crazy when we get famous.
Buy some dope cars.
Fuck some bad bitches.
But nigga, you bought a monkey.
(audience laughing)
I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed
than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.
(audience laughing)
Now when J-Bird got arrested,
he had a big smile in his mug shot.
Not because he gangsta.
Because he knows what goes on in jail.
(audience laughing)
Now Justin, you so motherfucking pretty,
when the inmates saw your mugshot
they swiped right.
(audience laughing)
Let me say this to you.
JB, Justin Bieber,
DMB, damn near black.
(audience laughing)
Now see, black people, we normally hate
when white people try to steal our culture
and be like us, minus the discrimination,
police brutality and the marching and shit.
That was until Justin Bieber came along.
We don't mind him smoking weed in public
while saggin' in the club.
Pissin' in the mop bucket, drunk driving,
living in a mansion while playing loud music
and hatin' the neighbors for not welcoming change.
Welcome to the family, my nigga.
(flames poofing) I know we're here
to roast Donald Trump but I gotta give a shout out
to my main man, Larry King, in the motherfucking house.
(audience applauds)
Larry, you know how we is.
Larry is cool, but backstage I handed him a joint
and he rubbed Bengay into it.
(audience laughing)
Whitney Cummings.
Look at your fine, little, skinny ass sitting up there.
I roll blunts fatter than you
but you been passed around a little bit more.
(audience laughing)
But right now, things are popping for Whitney, y'all.
Everybody in Hollywood is talking about her
and they all saying the same thing.
"I think that bitch gave me herpes".
(audience laughing)
This is a ugly business, man.
I mean look at Jeff Ross.
(audience laughing)
He's one ugly motherfucker.
Now when Jeff was born, his mother shit
during the delivery, and when she looked down,
she thought she had twins.
(audience laughing)
That's why he's so corny.
(audience laughing)
Look at this droopy face, saggy skin, rubbery, wet lips.
If Jeff had a string hanging from his mouth
he'd look like Lisa's pussy.
(audience groaning)
Nah, but seriously though, I like Jeff though.
You know why I like Jeff?
'Cause he'll do anything to get a laugh
except say something funny.
(audience laughing)
I gotta say a few more things
about my girl Snookie over there.
(audience laughing)
Oh, that aint Snookie?
Oh, my bad, I'm sorry.
All white people who act black look alike to me.
Sorry. (audience cheering)
Now, it's time to talk about the real playa.
Don Juan.
Donald Trump.
The Donald. (audience applauds)
Now from me to you, Donald,
I wish I had half of your money,
but for that you need a 20 year old's pussy
and a divorce lawyer.
(audience laughing)
Now I may not have half his paper,
but I got twice the dick and you can believe that.
(audience laughing)
But on the real though, I'd love to fuck
one of Trump's ex-wives,
just to know what it's like to cum into money.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauds)
Donald say he wants to run for president
and move on in to the White House.
Why not?
It wouldn't be the first time you pushed
a black family out of they home.
(audience laughing)
(fire poofing) - On some real shit
I'm fucked up right now.
(audience cheering)
No, on some real though, it's about time
somebody said some gangsta shit up in here.
- Yeah! - Whoo!
- Hey, yo.
Kat Williams.
When did they start selling pimp clothes at Baby Gap?
(audience laughing)
My nigga over there drinking that Hennessy
outta that little sippy cup.
(audience laughing)
Hey, yo.
Carrot Top.
That was some cool shit you did with the box
with the smoke and all that, that was tight.
But when you came up here, I was like,
"Who in the fuck let the bride of Chucky
"up in this motherfucker?"
(audience laughing)
Patton Oswalt, or Osbourne, whatever the fuck your name is.
You look like one of the Osbournes.
You look like Ozzy little son, the little fat one?
(audience laughing)
The one that be on drugs, then he be off drugs,
then he be on drugs, then he off drugs.
You look just like that nigga.
(audience laughing)
Now, the true player in the house tonight,
my homeboy, OG, Ice-T, Original Gangsta.
(audience cheering)
You know, Ice-T been in the game so long,
they should just call him Ice-Age.
(audience laughing)
I tried to listen to one of Ice-T's songs on the way up here
but I didn't have no cassette player in my car.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Now, when I seen you earlier,
I thought was throwing up gang signs at me
but I found out it was just your arthritis.
(audience laughing)
Now when they told me Samora was gonna be here tonight,
I thought they said some whore was gonna be here.
(audience laughing)
Speaking of hoes, Bridget Nelson.
I saw you and Flava Flav taking a bath on TV
but you motherfuckers was washed up
before y'all got in that tub.
(audience laughing)
- What does that mean?
- You was washed up like you was over.
- Now Flav.
Now I know you expect me to come up here
and talk about you but I respect you too much, Flav,
so instead of going hard on you,
I put a rhyme together for you
and I hope you like it, homie.
(audience cheering)
Check it out.
♪ One two three and to the four ♪
♪ Flavor's sitting on his brand new asshole, they talk ♪
♪ The haters got the nerve ♪
♪ to come up here and try to dis me ♪
♪ but I'm an original and Flav is extra crispy ♪
♪ He's dried out, ashy, and wishes he was taller ♪
♪ Flav you look like one of my blunts except smaller ♪
♪ So Flav keep on chillin ♪
♪ With you on you eight, nine, 10 ♪
♪ 11, 12, 13 chilren ♪
♪ And if you fuck Bridget tonight ♪
♪ I got a bag of penicillin ♪
(audience laughing)
Nah, on some real shit, Flava Flav, seriously,
I love you, I love everything you do.
And if it wasn't for you, Flava Flav,
it wouldn't be Snoop Dogg.
I love you for being you at all times.
My nigga.
(audience applauds) (upbeat music)
- [Man] That was great, man.
- [Man] Oh, you were in, Dogg.