- FIRST OF ALL, YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE, LIKE, WORKING OUT LIKE CRAZY.
YOU LOOK REALLY, REALLY... - I RUN.
- EXTRA FIT. - I RUN.
- UH-HUH. - I RUN A LOT.
I RUN,
AND THEN SOMEBODY COMES AND GETS ME AND BRINGS ME BACK.
- GOOD. - AND THEN I RUN AWAY AGAIN.
I'M TRYING TO GET AWAY, BUT--
- AND THEY STILL COME TO GET YOU.
- SO I'VE BEEN RUNNING. - YEAH.
- BUT THANK YOU. I'M TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
I'M A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON THAN I WAS
THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE.
I HAVE LEARNED TO-- THIS IS--
YOU ALL KNOW THIS,
BUT I HAVE LEARNED TO FORGIVE AND FORGET.
AND I WILL SAY THIS RIGHT NOW--
I FORGIVE YOU, ELLEN.
- THANK YOU.
- I DO. - AND I FOR--
- I FORGIVE YOU. - I FORGIVE YOU TOO.
- DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I FORGIVE YOU?
- YES, WHAT DID I DO?
- I FORGET.
- AH.
- BUT IT'S MY NEW POLICY.
- YOU FORGIVE AND FORGET. - I FORGIVE AND FORGET.
- I SEE. - THAT'S THE NEW ME.
- WELL, IT'S WORKING,
'CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE, AND HAPPY.
I JUST--I SAW YOU BACKSTAGE,
AND I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT THE SHIRT THEN, AND I DIDN'T.
CAN I ASK, WHAT IS THE "A-TEAM"?
- YOU CAN ASK. THE "A-TEAM" IS MY SON.
MY SON IS ALEX. ALEX MANDEL.
THIS IS HIS MOUSTACHE.
HE HAS A LITTLE MOUSTACHE, LIKE HIS MOM.
ANYWAY, HE'S--
[laughter]
WELL, SHE'S FROM EUROPE.
SO ANYWAY--BUT--
- LET'S OFFEND EVERYBODY.
- MY SON IS A VLOGGER. ALEX MANDEL VLOG.
IF YOU GO--AND HE'S GOT A YOUTUBE CHANNEL.
AND HE SELLS T-SHIRTS.
NOW THAT'S-- I'M USING THE WORD--
HE HAS T-SHIRTS FOR SALE,
SO HE BOUGHT 10,000--
HE TOLD ME HE BOUGHT 10,000 T-SHIRTS
BECAUSE AT 100 YOU GET A BREAK, AT 200 YOU GET A BREAK, 500--
HE BOUGHT 5,000 T-SHIRTS.
AND HE PUT THEM IN MY GARAGE--
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-- - OKAY.
- SO I'M IN MY GARAGE,
THERE'S BOXES OF 10,000 T-SHIRTS,
AND, NOT UNLIKE MY SON, I KNOW YOU, ELLEN,
AND A COUPLE YEARS AGO I WAS ON THE SHOW
AND YOU GAVE ME A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF LEVER SOAP.
SO I HAVE BOXES OF SOAP AND T-SHIRT--
I DON'T HAVE A CAR IN THE GARAGE.
THERE'S NO ROOM.
THAT'S THE GARAGE. THAT'S ME IN THE GARAGE.
THERE'S SOAP. THERE'S T-SHIRTS.
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE IN THE GARAGE BUT T-SHIRTS--
AND SO I SAID, YOU KNOW, "HOW ARE YOU GONNA SELL THESE?"
AND HE DOESN'T KNOW.
I SAID, "IS THERE AN ALEX MANDEL STORE, DOT COM?"
I DON'T KNOW--HE DIDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT.
SO IF YOU WANT ONE OF THESE T-SHIRTS--
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GET IT, BUT...
[laughter]
THEY'RE AVAILABLE. HELP--AND I'LL SEND YOU--
IF YOU GO TO ALEX MANDEL VLOG AND FIGURE IT OUT,
I'LL SEND YOU SOAP TOO.
I WILL SEND YOU SOAP. I'LL SEND YOU A SHIRT.
HE DIDN'T THINK IT THROUGH.
- FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD'VE THOUGHT
YOU WOULD HAVE GONE THROUGH THAT SOAP BY NOW.
THAT'S WHY I GAVE IT TO YOU. BECAUSE YOU USE SOAP--
- YOU SAID A "LIFETIME." - YES.
- YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GONNA LAST THIS LONG, DID YOU?
- YEAH, RIGHT. - A LIFETIME OF SOAP--
"I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA SURVIVE FOR MORE THAN A YEAR."
- EXACTLY. - IT KEEPS COMING ON PALLETS.
- OH, REALLY?
- EVERY MONTH I GET A PALLET OF SOAP.
IT'S RIDICULOUS. IT'S NOT FUNNY.
YOU DON'T LIVE NEXT DOOR.
SOAP'S HERE! THE SOAP'S HERE!
WHERE IS HE?
HE'S IN THE SHOWER, JUST BRING IT IN.
THE SOAP IS THERE. THE T-SHIRTS ARE HERE.
- YOU'RE WELCOME. - THE SOAP AND THE SHIRTS.
- WELL, THANK YOU. I FORGIVE YOU.
- THANK YOU. AND WHY AGAIN?
- I FORGET.
[cheers and applause]
- YOUR DAUGHTER RECENTLY GOT MARRIED, WHICH IS--
- THE TEACHER. - THE TEACHER.
- YES, JACKIE. - CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - THAT MUST'VE BEEN--
- IT IS SO-- - HOW WAS THAT FOR YOU?
- HOW WAS THAT FOR-- OH, LOOK, THERE SHE IS.
THAT'S THE TEACHER. IT WAS EMOTIONAL, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S MY BABY GIRL. MY FIRST BABY.
THAT'S JACKIE. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
AND I WALKED HER DOWN THE AISLE AND I GOT ALL TEARY-EYED.
I GOT EMOTIONAL-- I MEAN, THAT'S--
AND THAT'S MY SON.
HE--THAT'S ALEX. HE OFFICIATED THE WEDDING.
HE'S AN ORDAINED MINISTER TOO.
HE SELLS SHIRTS AND HE'S AN ORDAINED MINISTER
AND HE'S A BARTEND-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW THAT LOOKS FUNNY, AND HE SAID,
"CAN I OFFICIATE MY SISTER'S WEDDING?"
WELL, FIRST HE SAID, "CAN I MARRY MY SISTER?"
AND I SAID, "NO." - NO.
- WE LIVE... MUCH MORE NORTH.
ANYWAY--
NO, I'M GONNA GET LET-- - SO MANY THINGS HERE.
- I KNOW--THAT'S A PROBLEM. - YES.
- BUT I SAID, "OKAY, IT MIGHT BE NICE THAT YOU OFFICIATE,"
AND THEN HE SHOWS UP IN THIS, AND I WAS REALLY UPSET WITH HIM,
BECAUSE IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY, MY DAUGHTER'S GETTING MARRIED,
AND HE SHOWS UP IN A PENGUIN SUIT.
AND HE GETS A LAUGH, AND I THINK,
WHY GO FOR THE LAUGH?
I MEAN, THIS IS A VERY-- BUT HE TOLD A WONDERFUL--
I'LL TELL YOU REALLY QUICKLY-- HE TOLD A WONDERFUL--
HE HAD, LIKE, A SERMON,
AND HE TALKED ABOUT WEARING THE PENGUIN SUIT,
THE REASON HE WAS DOING IT IS BECAUSE THE PENGUIN
IS THE ONLY ANIMAL IN THE ENTIRE ANIMAL KINGDOM THAT--
THIS IS WHAT THEY DO--
WHEN IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO MATE, OR TO FIND A PARTNER,
THEY WILL GO OUT AND THEY WILL FIND A STONE OR A ROCK,
AND THE PENGUIN PICKS UP A STONE OR A ROCK
AND THEN GOES BACK TO THE FLOCK OF OTHER PENGUINS
AND IT NOTICES THE PENGUIN IT WANTS TO MATE WITH
AND IT PUTS DOWN THE ROCK, AND THE PENGUIN--THIS IS REAL--
WILL KICK THE ROCK TO THE PENGUIN IT WANTS TO MATE WITH.
IF SHE ACCEPTS THE ROCK,
THE PENGUIN MATES WITH THAT PENGUIN FOR THE REST OF ITS LIFE
AND NEVER STRAYS.
IT STAYS MONOGAMOUS.
IT'S THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT DOES IT.
SO MY SON CAME DRESSED LIKE THIS.
HE HAD A ROCK WITH HIM.
HE PUT THE ROCK DOWN BY ALEX,
HER HUSBAND-TO-BE,
AND SAID, "KICK IT TO MY SISTER."
AND HE KICKED THE ROCK TO MY-- ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?
EXCEPT THE PLATFORM WE WERE ON WAS ON AN ANGLE, SO...
[laughter]
HE KICKED IT, AND YOU COULD HEAR IT GO,
TUMBLE, TUMBLE, TUMBLE BACK.
HE SAID, "PLEASE KICK THE ROCK AGAIN."
AND HE DID IT AGAIN, AND IT ROLLED BACK.
AND THEN HE SAID TO HIS SISTER, "JUST PICK UP THE ROCK!"
AND SHE--SHE PICKED UP THE ROCK, AND HE GOES,
"MY SISTER HAS ACCEPTED THE ROCK.
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE."
- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. - IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
AND THAT'S ALEX. HER HUSBAND ALEX.
- SO LET'S TAKE A BREAK AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT "DEAL WITH IT."
- I'M TIRED. YOU KNOW WHAT? TAKE A BREAK. I FORGIVE YOU.