I'm going to assume that if you clicked on this video, either you or your partner have
been experiencing some form of performance issues in the bedroom. Well, today I am here to tell you
that this is totally normal. Yes. It sucks in the moment for the guy and for his partner.
I am definitely not going to sugar coat that, but with the right support and attitude, any man can
overcome performance anxiety and start having an incredibly satisfying sex life once again.
Today, we're going to talk about how you can be a supportive partner and help your
man get over his performance issues. Hey there, I'm Vanessa Marin. I'm a
licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships. I've spent the last 15 years
working with thousands of people and I've served as a featured expert for major publications and
websites like, O, The Oprah Magazine, The New York Times and Real Simple. I'm also the creator of The
Modern Man's Guide To Conquering Performance Pressure, an online course that has taught
thousands of men how to stop feeling anxious and ashamed and start approaching sex with confidence
and ease. My mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary
relationship inside of the bedroom and out. I've also had partners who experienced performance
issues. I have done every single thing that I'm about to tell you not to do, so I really get this
challenge on a very personal level, too. In this video, I'm going to explain exactly what to do
and what to say if you have a male partner who is experiencing performance issues.
I'll discuss how societal pressure adds so much fuel to the performance anxiety fire,
plus offer solutions for getting your partner at back to his normal self. I know from experience
that this is a tricky situation to navigate, but I promise that after watching this video,
you will feel more equipped to approach your partner about his performance issues.
So let's talk about what the heck is going on. Your guy's body is not cooperating with
his desires and it's probably feeling really frustrating or both of you. Erectile or orgasmic
issues develop with an extremely predictable pattern. So the guy has an issue of getting hard,
or ejaculating too quickly, just one time. And from there, doubt starts to creep in
almost immediately. All men, even young ones, have occasional erectile or orgasmic issues.
The penis doesn't always like to cooperate. So most men understand this rationally, but they
have a hard time coping when it actually happens. So they start thinking about it all the time,
after it happened just this one time. Their anxiety increases, the problems begin occurring
with greater and greater frequency. It's seriously the worst kind of self fulfilling prophecy.
So I want you to do something right now. Let's take yourself back to one of the times
when your partner's erectile or ejaculation problems frustrated or hurt you the most.
Maybe you felt really disappointed that he orgasmed too quickly. Maybe you worry that
his difficulty getting an erection or reaching orgasm was a sign that he wasn't attracted to you.
So now, I want you to imagine doubling that discomfort, frustration, insecurity,
whatever it was that you felt in that moment, double it. Now, I can almost guarantee you
that that is how bad your guy felt. He was let down, but even worse. He knew that he had let
you down. So he felt emasculated. He felt out of control. He felt awful.
I know that you don't want that for your partner or for your relationship, so let's talk about
my five steps for dealing with your partner's performance issues. Step number one, know that
everyone will experience performance anxiety at some point or another, you included. Performance
anxiety really sucks, because our body is doing something that our brain desperately does not want
to do. I have never met a man who wanted to have erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.
Men want to get hard, they want to stay hard, they want to orgasm at exactly the right time.
Your guy wants to pleasure you. And yet, his body is doing things that his brain does not
want. The reality is that we are not robots. Our bodies don't always do exactly what we
want them to do. As much as we'd like to think that our bodies are here to cater to our needs,
there's a lot more that goes into being physically ready for sex than just having the mental desire
for it. I'm sure you've had experiences with your own body doing things that you didn't want it to
do or not doing things that you did want it to do. Maybe you've struggled with not getting wet,
or not being able to orgasm, or if you're a guy, not getting your own erection.
Or maybe it's something not sex-related, like your body not losing weight or not building muscle when
you wanted it to. It definitely doesn't help that as a culture, we have this stereotype
that guys should be ready for sex, wherever, whenever, whatever. But that's just not the case.
I don't think we give men nearly enough credit for how much pressure gets put on their shoulders,
and other body parts, when it comes to sex. Our standard sexual script
dictates that men should be the initiators and the leaders of every sexual interaction.
They're expected to get hard immediately and stay hard throughout the entire interaction no
matter what is going on. They're supposed to last a while, but not too long. We're talking about the
human body here, not a robot. It's so important for you to recognize that nearly everyone will
experience performance struggles at some point in their life. Once we take the stigma away
from performance issues, it will make it so much easier for you and your partner to overcome them.
Step two, recognize that it is not about you. It can feel
really easy to automatically assume that your partner's performance issues are your fault,
that they stem from something that you're doing or not doing, but it really truly is not
about you. Your partner struggling with performance issues does not mean that you're not
sexy enough, not pretty enough, thin enough, worthy enough, whatever, it is not about you.
I can really empathize with this fear that it is about you, because I have been there myself.
I've had partners who experienced performance issues, like I mentioned earlier,
and I have taken it so personally. I thought it meant something was wrong with me,
or I wasn't good enough in some way, but I've now learned the truth that it really truly is not
about the partner. If you make it about yourself, you're only going to put more
pressure on him and make it more likely that he'll continue having issues. Because now,
not only does he have to get hard or time has orgasm perfectly, but he also has to show you
through his body that he's attracted to you, that you're good enough, worthy enough, whatever it is.
I know this is easier said than done. Again, from personal experience, I totally get
it, but try to keep reminding yourself that your partner is not in control of his body. And also
remember that you and your partner want the same thing. You both want to have sex. You both want,
must satisfy each other. You're both frustrated and unsure of what to do when a problem arises.
You're on the same team. If feelings of self-consciousness or insecurity come
up for you, it's okay to acknowledge them. It's perfectly understandable to feel them,
but try to make the choice to not act on them. Step three, bring it up gently. Keyword there is
gently. So now, it's time to have a conversation with your partner about his performance issues.
When you do, you want to make sure that you keep the focus on
him. This is not about you making complaints or demands of him. This is not even about you making
suggestions for him. What you're trying to do at first is simply to start talking about the issue.
Now, let me just quickly say here that if you and your partner have never talked about sex before,
this is definitely not the first conversation that you should have.
First, check out my free guide, How To Start Talking About Sex With Your Partner - Even If
You Never Have Before! I'll include a link to that guide in the description box down below.
Once you're confidently talking about sex, then come back and talk about the performance issues.
When you have this first conversation, then stick to the golden rule, treat him the way
that you would want to be treated if you are the one experiencing performance issues.
Imagine that you were in his shoes, how embarrassed and ashamed you would be feeling.
Try to speak with as much compassion and grace as possible. Remember that dealing with
performance issues is really hard. It's scary to feel out of control of your own body. It's
frustrating to see your body failing, to respond in the way that you want it to.
Be polite kind and compassionate when you talk about it,
definitely don't make jokes or tease about his struggles. Instead, ask him about his experience.
You can say something like, "I've noticed that it sometimes seems like you get really embarrassed
about your erection. I just want you to know that I think performance issues are totally normal and
common. I've definitely had experiences with my own body, not responding in the way that I want
it to. I'm just wondering what that's been like for you." If your partner does open up,
ask him if there's any way you can support him. So for example, maybe he'd like it if
the two of you took a little bit more time, like slowed down and just enjoyed being together.
Let him know that you're a team and you're more than happy to support him.
If he brings up wanting to learn more tools, you can mention my online course, The Modern
Man's Guide. I'll put the link to that in the description box down below. It can also really
help to give your partner verbal reassurance in the moment, if he experiences performance issues.
You can say something along the lines of, "Hey, it's not a big deal. Let's just go back to making
out for a minute. I was really enjoying that." You could also suggest a different activity,
like, "How about you touch me instead?" Step four, expand that your definition of sex.
Most heterosexual couples prioritize intercourse over any other sexual act.
When we think of the word sex, we usually think of intercourse. Instead of valuing foreplay and
intercourse equally, we often skip over all of the amazing options on the menu and go straight to the
intercourse. But by emphasizing intercourse so much, we increase the pressure on a man's penis.
Intercourse is the one sexual activity that puts the most amount of pressure on a man.
He needs to get hard, stay hard and last long enough to pleasure his partner. That's a lot to
handle. There are plenty of other ways that the two of you can connect that aren't intercourse.
Plus, if he feels like he can bring you pleasure in a variety of ways, that's going to increase his
confidence and make performance issues so much less likely. It's a win-win for both of you.
And anyways, defaulting to intercourse every single time gets really boring, really quickly.
Step five, be patient. I'll be honest here, it will probably take a little bit of time
for your partner to fully overcome his performance issues, it will not
happen overnight. Keep working on not taking it personally, if he continues to experience issues.
Stay supportive and understanding. And also, it's really important for you to know that he
will have occasional performance issues for the rest of his life. Heck, know that you will have
occasional performance issues for the rest of your life too. It's just part of being human.
If you can stay realistic about the expectations on both of you, you'll end up being so much more
satisfied than if you set these unrealistic expectations that neither one of you can
live up to. We're all human. We all experience difficult periods in our sex lives. Be open,
honest, and supportive, and you will have a happy and healthy sex life for the rest of your life.
So that wraps up my video on male performance anxiety and the top five steps you can take as his
partner. If you liked this video, please give it a like, or better yet, comment down below if you've
ever had a partner struggle with performance issues. Just hearing other people's struggles,
knowing that we're not the only one going through this, it makes us all feel so much better.
Make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to my YouTube channel. And while you're at it,
click the notification icon so that you can keep getting these videos. I have a little gift for
you. I mentioned earlier that free guide, How To Start Talking About Sex With Your Partner - Even
If You Never Have Before! This is such a great guide. It really walks you through step-by-step
how to open up these conversations with your partner, including specific phrases that you
can use. It's such a great guide, so make sure to check out the link to download it
in the description box down below. Thanks for watching and I'll see you next time.