ADULT SHELDON: Like Superman in a phone booth,
I was no stranger to undressing in my gym locker.
But not today.
Thanks to Tommy, I was invincible.
(whistle blows)
All right, get your butts out to the gym.
Wind sprints in one minute.
(whistle blows)
Come on, Jason, I'm gonna be late.
Poor baby.
(Jason chuckles)
Excuse me.
I'd like to ask you some questions
about your use of intimidation to dominate others.
Are you trying to get your ass kicked?
No, I was just looking to open a spirited dialogue.
And you might want to unhand me.
I'm friends with Tommy Clarkson.
Is that so?
Yes.
Hello, Tommy.
I have some unfortunate news.
What's that? I boasted
to Jason Davies that you're my friend,
and things took an unexpected turn.
You're scheduled to fight him at 3:00 p.m.
on the basketball court.
I don't want to fight Jason Davies.
I don't think you have a choice. He was pretty adamant.
Fine, I'll deal with it.
You do have the option of simply not showing up.
That's not how fights work, Sheldon.
Why? Do they take attendance?
(clock ticking)
TAM: Look at this, my mother left me a note.
"You can do better. Mom."
Not "Love, Mom," not "XO, Mom,"
just "Mom."
ADULT SHELDON: While Tam prattled on
about some family nonsense,
I couldn't help but think about Tommy.
At 3:00 pm, he was going to engage in a schoolyard battle
that was entirely my fault.
I had to find a way to intervene, but how?
TAM: Ooh, a Nutter Butter.
Maybe she does love me.
(school bell rings)
(crowd cheering) BOY: Face-punching time!
Jason, let's do it!
(chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
(Jason growls)
Come on, Jason. Kick his ass.
ADULT SHELDON: I didn't have the physical stature to assist
Tommy in a brawl, but I did have something
far more lethal:
my once in a generation brain.
(students chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
(chanting continues)
(cheering)
I didn't think you'd show up.
Well, I did.
Let's do this.
SHELDON: Stop!
You're not fighting Tommy, you're fighting me.
(laughter)
Oh, boy.
Unless you want to shake hands
and we all laugh about this over a glass of milk.
I think I'd rather kick both your asses.
I was afraid you'd say that.
Are you familiar with the story
of David and Goliath from the Bible?
Yeah.
That's too bad.
I had a nice speech prepared.
I'll say it anyway.
You may have the size advantage,
but like David and his sling,
I also possess an air-based weapon.
So I'll give you one more chance.
Are you willing to step down?
(students exclaiming)
I'll tell you what:
you take the first shot, then it's my turn.
Very well.
(rubber creaking)
Three...
...two...
...one.
Ow! Son of a bitch!
(laughter, cheering)
(growls)
I'm going to run.