Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question asks if I would discuss the enabler,
or more specifically, the enabling parent in a narcissistic family. Now if you like this video,
if you find it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates
on mental health related topics. But just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute
for support from mental health professional nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone.
Now when it comes to narcissism now, I've outlined different kinds of narcissism before.
The most common types, being the grandiose or the overt narcissist, or the vulnerable,
the covert narcissist. Narcissism can also be present where there's other things going on,
like an addiction or another kind of disorder or mental health problem. Sometimes it can be very
deeply ingrained behavioural traits. But because narcissists are generally very dependent on others
for their self-assurance for their self-esteem, where there is a narcissist, not necessarily
one who s thriving but one whose getting away with behaving the way they do, it's generally
because there is an enabler. Now they enable the narcissist s controlling and abusive behaviour.
They enable that inflated persona and that sense of entitlement. And there can be enablers in the
workplace in organisations, at clubs, community groups. But for today I'm just going to be
discussing the dynamics in a family relationship. Now there are different kinds of enabler. We're
going to be looking at the different kinds, the way they behave, the beliefs, and we're going to
be looking as well as some of the common phrases that enablers use. As I've outlined in previous
videos, in narcissistic families, everybody has a role to play. They tend to operate like a
cult. From the narcissist themselves, sometimes referred to as the matriarch or the patriarch, the
way I look at them, sometimes the Grand Worshipful Master , or She Who Must Be Obeyed . All the other
family members have roles as well. Golden Child, scapegoat, and so on. And there's also enabler.
Now, more often than not, though not in every single case, more often than not, the enabler is
the other parent. It's the partner. There could be differences in how they enable. The enabler could
be either the mother or the father. The enabler could be in a same sex relationship, but what I'm
looking at today is were there are two parents and there are children involved. There's that
family dynamic. So what is an enabler look like? Well. There are different ways to identify them,
for example whether it's intentionally or not. Maybe the enabler doesn't stand up for themselves,
they lack assertiveness. They don't stand up themselves, they don't stand up for the kids.
More often than not, they may have learned not to stand up for themselves.
They have learned not to call. The other parent died on their bad behaviour. They may act as an
apologist. It's not them, it's their illness. It's not them, it's their anxiety. It's not them there,
just under a lot of stress at the moment . They may blame others for their narcissistic parents by
behaviour. They may even blamed the children for misbehaving. They either don't question or they
accept without question the Narcissistic parent s version of reality. They may even spend a lot
of time and a lot of energy trying to pacify others, cleaning up that narcissists mess. So
there really acting like peace keeper, whatever it takes for a quiet life, when in reality
when they're doing this, what they're doing is there showing that narcissistic parent
there are no consequences to how they behave. So what is? It makes an enabler. Well, there are
many different things, so may see themselves as caregivers. They may see themselves as rescuers.
The narcissistic parent may some have some kind of illness, some kind of mental health problem going
on. They, they may see it. It's not them, it's their trauma, it's how they were brought up,it's
the difficulty that they're going through. It's their anxiety. They may fear the other parent
either fear the physical or the emotional abuse themselves, so they're spending a lot of time
trying to keep that narcissistic partner happy. They may put themselves between the narcissistic
parent and the children. They think they're protecting their children, they are taking a lot
of flak, but in reality, what they re doing is the children are seeing them being abuse. Seeing them
take the grief, seeing them being consistently hurt and rejected. Sometimes they might just be a,
a very passive soul. They don't like conflict, they don't like to cause distress, they don't
like to see upheaval. Quite commonly though what you see is someone who's maybe been brainwashed,
brain washed over a period of time into perhaps believing they are the problem. I caused them to
be like this. It's because of me they take it out on the kids. I am the selfish one. If I try harder
they will be good to us . They may even be deluded into thinking that narcissistic
partner is a really good catch and they just have to work harder to deserve,
now in cases were, perhaps the enabler is one of the children, say their golden child, for example,
that child has maybe become so enmeshed with the narcissistic parent they actually believe the
other parent is the problem. So they spend a lot of time trying to compensate for the narcissistic
parents disappointment. What you see, then, is the child or the children as well as the parent
doing everything they can to keep the narcissist happy, to keep them pleased. And this is like a
win win for the narcissist because everybody has now made them the centre of the universe. Now the
enabling parent may also recognise it is not a healthy place to be. It is unhealthy for them,
it is unhealthy for the children is a very toxic relationship. It's a very toxic family dynamic,
but they may be financially dependent on the narcissist. They, they may only stay to act as
a buffer between them and the children. Maybe they don't want to put the kids through the upheaval
of a separation, a divorce. They don't want to put them through a terrible custody battle, so
again they re staying because they're thinking it is in the best interest of the children.
They may fear the other parent alienating them against the children if they were to leave.
And in reality in a lot of cases the kids are already being alienated against them.
They see the narcissistic parent has no respect or regard for them and they're
getting away with doing whatever they want. And overtime, their respect for that parent
starts to become eroded. The enabling parent may be trauma bonded to the narcissist. Now sometimes
this can look like an intense loyalty to the very person who s abusive to them.
What's often going on though is the enabler has learned to avoid rage, upset, rejection,
the awful illnesses, the insults, the drama and they re doing it through constantly appeasing
using sex, money, praise, obedience. They re kind of seeing that relationship like an emotional
rollercoaster, a rollercoaster of both positive and negative reinforcement and they re behaving in
a way not just to try and gain the positive, but they're doing it in a way that they're trying to
mitigate the negative. Sometimes there can also be what s known as closet narcissism. Now this
is when, say, the enabling parent, there are a lot of next narcissistic traits and qualities there,
but it's not themselves they worship, it is the other person. And where we see closet narcissism
sometimes, sometimes that person cannot hold in their head the thought of the other person,
that person they worship even so much is doing or thinking something wrong. They
worship that other person. They worship them, they, this is why I often call it a cult,
they follow, they follow all the orders, all the beliefs, all the little signals.
They follow it without question because the other person is always going to be right.
They could also be, say, covert narcissists themselves. Now whether it's through intent or
through neglect because they're so self-absorbed, they, they're abusing and hurting the kids through
the other parent. You know, the threat of that other parent s rage,
that unkind humour. Now covert narcissist in a relationship with the grandiose narcissist,
they could be both impressed by and fear the other partner that their self esteem is being fed by
basking in the glory of their grandiosities or their self esteem is being fed as being seen
as the long suffering partner. No matter what they do, is never enough. They are so
hard done by so put upon. In cases like that, and this might sound strange, but in cases like that,
both narcissists are feeding off each other. They are enabling each other. One gets the glory
in that sense of victimhood. The other one gets the glory in that sense of domination and control.
But where we see cases like that, both are neglecting the kids. They're either overlooking
or just outright supporting each other's toxic behaviour towards the kids, they re overlooking
the kids needs. The kids can grow up in a state of insecurity, fearing the wrath of one parent, but
also fearing the guilt tripping from the other, their own needs having never been met. Lastly I d
like to talk about some of the more common phrases that enablers use, they use and to the kids,
even when the kids are adults, they would still be used and they would use under others in general to
allow that neglect that controlling behaviour that toxicity to continue. Now, you might not
hear these things word for word, but here they are under no particular order, the first one is,
They didn't mean it Now that could be like it was only a joke that was their illness talk and that's
their anxiety. There under a lot of stress, they mean well, whatever it was it was for your own
good. Second one. You hurt them. Look at what she did to cause that, what you did, what you said,
cause them great upset . What they're really doing is they are distracting from the distress
and the pain of the children, they re shifting the blame onto the children for how the children
were treated. Number three. I think these are the most in validating of all the phrases,
You're exaggerating, I didn't see that therefore, it didn't happen. That's not like them. That's not
their character, and I don't accept that or I don't understand why do you make all this
stuff up? Now I think when they're invalidating children like that, what they're really saying is
I'm choosing not to acknowledge the pain you're in. Or I'm choosing not to acknowledge it just
for the sake of a quiet life Number 4, They have had a hard time. They have trauma. They've
been through a lot. Look at the pain they re in. Their mum and Dad was hard on them
Again, it's excusing toxic behaviour. It's a way of trying to get the kids I suppose to
feel sorry for their abuser. Next up, You should be grateful they are trying their hardest. They
love you. They only want what's best for you. After all they've done for you. Why do you have to
be so difficult? Why are you so selfish? Again, it's a way of shaming the children into feeling
bad about feeling bad. Next one, suck it up. Don't be such a wimp. Stop being so sensitive Again what
we're looking at is devaluing and minimising the pain of the children. It's conditioning the kids
to believe there's something wrong with them for not being okay with being abused. And lastly, and
I have to say this is one I've heard many times in many different situations and relationships.
Just do as you're told. Just give them what they want. I will suffer if you don't.
I'm the one who gets in the neck when you behave like that . It's emotional blackmail to the
children. Leading the children, even when the adults, leading them to believe that they are
responsible for how that parent is treated by the narcissist. When the truth is no,
they're not. It's up to that enabler, it s up to that parent themselves to assert themselves,
to manage their own boundaries. So that's a very generalised outline of an enabler in
a narcissistic family. Now there are many other types, many different behaviours, characteristics.
Do please feel free to use the comment box below if there's anything you'd like to share,
these videos have been generating some interesting conversations lately. Now if you like this video,
if you find it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel for future
updates on mental health related topics and until next time. Thanks for watching.