-I was at my local branch of the New York Public Library
last week and looking at microfiche articles about
migrating tree frogs and -- [Sniffing]
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
I could be wrong here, but I think I smell some smoke.
And that can only mean one thing.
It's time for, "Ya Burnt."
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to the Burn Zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through
and not a lot of time.
Over here is the burner, let's turn on the gas and load her up.
[ Fire sizzles ] Whew, somebody scorch me!
First up, student loans. [ Fire sizzles ]
Hey, student loans, if I wanted to get stuck
paying for something I don't use for the rest of my life,
I'd get a membership to Planet Fitness.
Side burn, Planet Fitness. -Side burn!
[ Laughter ] [ Fire sizzles ]
The only other thing from college that sticks around
this long is HPV.
And yeah, I didn't get that vaccine either.
Sorry, Bill Gates. [ Laughter ]
Hey, student loans. Want to know what my GPA was?
5.86. Oh, no wait.
That's the interest I pay.
I should have got a degree in student loan collection.
Apparently, that's where all the money is.
Student loans, I will never forgive you.
And ya burnt. [ Fire sizzles ]
The World's Oldest Person.
What better way to make someone feel special than to give them a
title that says, "holy [Bleep], How are you not dead yet?"
[ Laughter ]
Also World's Oldest Person, more like World's Shortest
Record Holder.
Seems like every other week there's a new one of you.
And hey, world's oldest people,
how come whenever you're asked what your secret
to longevity is, it's always something insane?
"I smoke 40 unfiltered Marlboros a day
and eat a pound of raw chicken before sunrise."
"Alright, what about red wine?"
"Just half a glass three times an hour every hour."
Also, World's Oldest Person, can we move things along?
Your children have plans for that inheritance.
What's that? There's no inheritance
because you spend it all on wine?
Hey, World's Oldest Person, I hope you prefer cremation,
because ya burnt! [ Fire sizzles ]
[ Laughter ] Long breaks between TV seasons.
[ Laughter ]
Listen up, TV shows, you can't let a full
election cycle pass between seasons and expect me
to remember what the hell is going on.
You're like a deadbeat dad.
You go out for a pack of smokes and I don't see you
for three years, and then you expect to just
pick up where we left off.
Donald Glover, I love you.
I think you're awesome and your show's fantastic.
We've got to speed it up, bud.
I barely even remember which state Atlanta is in.
[ Laughter ] Is it Europe?
And don't get me wrong, I love "Better Call Saul,"
but it was already confusing enough that actors who are
10 years older in real life are playing versions of themselves
that are five years younger than they were in "Breaking Bad."
In the "Breaking Bad" universe, this Mike Ehrmentrout
is now older than this Mike Ehrmentrout.
What's your secret?
Oh, [Bleep], is it half a glass of wine
three times an hour, every hour?
Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer shows
that only take 23 hours off between new episodes,
which is why here at "Late Night With Seth Meyers,"
there's always a new episode, even when we know
the next one's gonna suck. -Self-burn!
[ Fire sizzles ] -Long TV show breaks,
here's a recap. Ya burnt!
[ Fire sizzles ] Frequent flier miles.
You used to be worth something.
Now I need 200,000 of you to get a coach ticket
leaving at 5:30 am from LaGuardia that has
three layovers and one of them is back in LaGuardia.
[ Laughter ]
Frequent flier miles, you're basically
the prize counter at a Dave and Buster's.
Thanks for spending 12 grand.
Here's a keychain of "Lilo and Stitch."
Oh, my bad. Just Lilo.
-Stitch is extra. [ Laughter ]
-But at least with enough miles, I get priority status.
Great. I'm the best-treated person at Frontier Airlines.
That's like being the hottest corpse at the morgue.
[ Laughter ] At this point,
if you want to board a plane early,
I think it might actually be easier to join
the military for a year.
Oh, and hey, airlines, it's great that you offer
priority seating for service members,
who are heroes, but why do they have to be uniformed?
They're already risking their lives in their job.
Now you want them to put on the full soldier costume
while everyone else gets to fart up the cabin in sweatpants?
-At least give them free Wi-Fi. [ Fire sizzles ]
-Frequent flier miles, ya burnt!
And don't call me Shirley. [ Fire sizzles ]
Road trips. Love air travel,
but wish it took 10 times longer and involved
pissing in a Gatorade bottle? Try road trips.
Road trips, quit pretending to be fun.
No one has ever said, "Hey, you know what would be really great?
Let's sit still and stare straight ahead for 8 hours."
And good luck when you finally get there.
After two straight days of a diet consisting of
nothing but nacho cheese combos and beef jerky,
you're going to be stopped up tighter than
the Pennsylvania Turnpike you were basically
parked on for 10 hours.
Oh, and if I could speak directly to Arthur,
your friend riding shotgun.
Hey, Arthur, this is not the time to start opening up
about how your father was there, but not present.
Save it for group therapy.
-We all have our [Bleep], Arthur.
[ Fire sizzles ] -Also, Arthur, if we're
listening to a true crime podcast,
I don't want to hear you guess who did it.
No guesses.
Hey, road trip, it's time to pull over,
'cause ya burnt! [ Fire sizzles ]
People who still post their Wordle scores. We get it.
You don't have any good ideas for tweets.
[ Laughter ] I haven't seen someone
this excited to know a five-letter word since my
10-year-old nephew started calling me "bitch."
-Nobody taught it to him. He just seemed to know it.
[ Fire sizzles ] -Also, Wordle posters,
if you didn't guess it till the fifth try,
it's not that impressive. Even less impressive?
Posting your tweet on the day the Roe v Wade news came out.
Read the room.
Yeah, the right to choose is being rolled back 50 years,
but good news, everybody, I got "tiger" in 3.
[ Laughter ] People still posting their
Wordle scores, it's not going to take me six guesses
to figure out what you are. Yup.
[ Fire sizzles ] We're [Bleep] clever, aren't we?
[ Fire sizzles ]
The strategic petroleum reserve,
only to be used in the gravest national emergencies like
a nuclear war or when gas is up to $4.50 a gallon.
Let me get this straight.
We drilled 700 million barrels of oil up from underground
so that we could send it to Texas
and put it back underground?
Does George W. Bush know about this thing?
Because if not, there's probably a couple of forever wars
we could have avoided.
And honestly, after these past few years,
maybe it's time to drain that sucker and create
a strategic Charmin reserve.
I mean, at this point, you may be thinking, honestly,
I've never thought about the strategic petroleum reserve
once in my life, didn't even know that was a thing.
Why is he even talking about it? It's kind of weird, actually.
To which I would reply, this "ya burnt" topic was sponsored
by the wind and solar energy lobby.
[ Laughter ] Sun and wind
for a better tomorrow today.
The strategic petroleum reserve.
You might be slick, but ya burnt!
[ Fire sizzles ] Inspector Gadget.
Inspector Gadget? "Inspector Gadget."
Wasn't that on in, like, the early '90s?
Oh, that must mean it's time for a time warp.
[ Electronic zooming ]
-Don't go there!
[ Laughter ]
-Inspector Gadget, how the hell did you get
sole custody of your niece, you bumbling [Bleep]?
[ Laughter ] Seriously, you can barely
operate the rockets that come out of your gadget's skates.
Who in their right mind gave you permission to watch
a child and a dog?
Also, Inspector Gadget, your show has no educational value.
[ Laughter ]
Except to teach girls that they'll never get credit
for all their hard work if there's an idiotic man
falling upwards nearby. [ Laughter ]
Hey, Inspector Gadget, here's a penny for my thoughts.
Don't go there.
[ Laughter ]
AOL CD's. Hey, AOL, if I wanted my mailbox filled with CDs
I don't want, I'd join Columbia House.
And 500 free hours? Who could be on the Internet that long?
What if somebody needs to use the phone?
[ Laughter ]
AOL CD's, don't go there!
Boy bands. Anyone who calls himself
a boy after the age of 15, red flag.
[ Laughing ]
Although one of them does have braces,
so I guess that still counts.
Ladies, what is it about these guys that you're attracted to?
-It's the pineapple haircut. [ Fire sizzles ]
-Hey boy bands, don't go there.
Next up, the dad who built the pre-teen robot girl
on "Small Wonder." "Hey, buddy, what you doing in the garage?"
"Oh, nothing. Just building a small girl."
[ Laughter ]
Who pitched this show, Roman Polanski?
[ Crowd groans ] [ Laughter ]
Dad that built the pre-teen robot girl on "Small Wonder,"
for the love of God, don't go there.
[ Foghorn sounds ]
Oh, the foghorn means we've run out of time.
This has been "Don't Go There."
Now, here's a look at what's coming up on NBC this week.
-The car said what? [ Laugh track ]
-Don't go there! [ Laughter ]
And don't touch that dial, we'll be right back
with Chelsea Handler!