So we get questions at The Marriage
Foundation,
my name is Paul Friedman, I founded The
Marriage Foundation.
And for this one someone wanted what
boils down to
advice for a frustrated
spouse in a sexless marriage
and I'm going to do my best to
point things out. Please don't take
offense. I'm not blaming anybody for
anything
because there could be a number of
reasons but
the problem is that one of you is
frustrated
and the other one should not be holding
back
sex from you if you're frustrated.
So I'm going to try to explain to you
why they may be
so we'll start with men. Why would your
wife
hold back from you? And I'm going to give
you typical responses. Now
you can write in to us with more
specific problems and it's a free
service. You'll get an answer back
but usually when women are holding back
it's because the husband
is not taking care of her emotional
needs.
She's not feeling the connection.
A good woman connects with her husband
sexually but with all of her heart,
but if that man, if the husband is not
opening
his heart, if he's imposing expectation
on her for sex not intimacy,
big difference. She's going to have a
very difficult
time opening up her heart
and complying with his needs.
Women want to have sex just as much as
men
but for very different reasons.
And so, you need to understand your wife.
You need to ask yourself, am I listening
to her?
Am I treating her well during the day?
Am I compassionate towards what she's
going through?
Am I seeing what her life is like
through her eyes?
Am I attuned with her intuition and her
feelings,
or do I just come home and want to have
sex
and expect her? Am I clean?
Do I come on to her in some way where I
watched it on a porn video or in a movie,
or am I genuine in my wanting to reach
her
with love, respect, caring?
And this is like first step,
okay, there might be some deep issues but
probably
not. This is like if you go into a doctor,
"Doctor, I'm wheezing blah blah
blah.” He
says, "Okay, first thing we do is we try
getting you off of dairy products. Let's
see if you're allergic."
This is first step. It's probably
real. You're probably not connecting with
your wife
and so when you want to have sex with
her it's an unreasonable expectation
just it is. You could argue with me. You
could quote scripture if you want, I get
that all the time
but chances are this is reality.
We're not guided really
by scripture. We should be, they're
universal principles.
We are really guided by what's in our
minds, what we have learned,
our habits, our instincts, our reactions
so you got to be real about this.
Now, if you're the wife
and you're frustrated because your
husband
doesn't want to have sex with you, it's
probably
similar in a way. Men are very
sensitive. They don't want to talk about
what's going on. Sometimes they don't
even
know how to verbalize, to articulate
what's going on for them.
But the question that you have to ask
yourself
is, how am I treating him?
Am I treating him like my lover or am I
treating him with honey do, honey do this
honey do that,
expectations, no consideration, no
appreciation?
Often times, men can't be reached
because their wives are literally
closing them
off. They don't know they're doing that
but they haven't learned properly
how to communicate with their husbands.
It's tricky because we're not taught
these things. We go to school
and we learn stupid things that we never
use in our lives.
We don't learn anything about men when
we're a
woman when we don't learn anything
about women when we're a man. In fact, now
they're teaching us that men and women
are pretty much the same and they're not.
We're physiologically different and so
our physiology impacts our psychology
and we need to learn.
So I have courses for both men and women
that will help you. I have a couple of books
you could read that will help you.
Subscribe to this channel
that'll help you.
This is not something you should just
live with. You shouldn't just settle and
you shouldn't end your marriage because
of this.
You should get to the bottom of this and
have
what marriage is supposed to be filled
with joy,
filled with love, filled with happiness
that's our philosophy.
And I think we have the science that
will help you get there.
So blessings to you, take care! Thank you!
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