-We don't always have enough time
to cover everything in the recent news,
so here with a recap is one of our writers, Amber Ruffin,
in a segment we call "Amber Says What."
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You guys!
Things have been crazy. Okay.
First of all, Nike came out with a Colin Kaepernick ad,
and everyone was like, "What?"
Only some people were like, "What?"
And some people were like, "What?"
And I was like, "What, what?"
Then Nike ran that ad during Thursday Night Football,
and I was like [Laughing] "Oh, what?!"
It was such a kick in the nuts to racists,
they're gonna have to take a knee.
[ Laughter ]
Then -- Then Aretha Franklin's funeral happened,
and it was amazing.
First, and this is true,
Aretha had four different outfit changes
at her own funeral!
I was like, "What?!"
Then, more than 100 pink Cadillacs
escorted her hearse into the funeral,
and I was like, "What?"
Then, Fantasia sang, and I was like, "What?"
And then she took her shoes off, and I was like, "What?"
[ Laughter ]
Then I looked down, and she had sung my shoes off,
and I was like, "Well, what?"
Then, they were like, "Next up is Faith Hill,"
and I was like, "Yay, Faith Hill!"
And then she came on, and I was like, "What?"
That's when I learned Faith Hill is not Faith Evans,
and in my mind, they were both Faith Evans,
and now I understand why Faith Evans
won best country album --
because she did not.
[ Laughter ]
Then, after Ariana Grande sang,
some creepy pastor grabbed some serious side boob,
and I was like, "What... do you think you're doing?"
Do you think we cannot see you?"
Then he made a joke about her name being off a Taco Bell menu,
and I was like, "What... has happened to your brain?
Did the energy from her boob
suck the common sense out of your head?"
Oh, it made me so mad! I was like, "What?"
Then, I saw some big, fancy bunch of fabric,
and I was like, "Ooh! What's this?"
And I looked under it and found Cicely Tyson,
and I was like, "What?"
She looked so perfect, I could not handle it.
Then, two days later, the funeral was over.
Then, Fox News posted a story
trying to shame actor Geoffrey Owens
for working at a Trader Joe's, and I was like, "What?"
I didn't know you could be shamed for having a job.
Just because he was on a sitcom does not mean he's rich.
People on TV don't make what you think.
Seth asked me to borrow $10 this morning.
-What? I did not!
-Then, something insane happened --
the president of the French Tennis Federation
said Serena's French Open catsuit went too far,
and I was like, "Quoi?"
[ Laughter ]
In a sport where this, this, and this
are regular things to wear, this is too far?
Maybe the thing you have a problem with is her body.
And I know a lot of people aren't ready to hear this part,
but when you're skinny, people let you live.
But when you're a curvaceous black woman,
people feel like it's okay to tell you to cover up.
I tell you what. -Whoo!
-Goddamn right, "Whoo!"
[ Laughter ]
I tell you what, if I had Serena's body,
you couldn't get no clothes on me.
I'd be too beautiful and too fast!
[ Cheers and applause]
Aah!
Then, during Saturday's championship,
things got crazy.
For the first time in history, a tennis player got frustrated.
[ Laughter ]
And it warranted a loss of a point,
a loss of a game, and a racist cartoon.
I saw that and was like, "What else is new?"
And I know a lot of you aren't ready to hear this, but...
when you're a white man,
your whole tennis career can be about tantrums.
But when you're a black woman,
that same behavior will cost you dearly.
Afterwards, in an interview, Serena said...
That's class!
[ Cheers and applause ] Ser -- Ooh!
Yeah!
I love her. I love her. I love her so bad.
Serena Williams makes me want to be a better person,
but not right now because now,
some tennis umpires are reportedly thinking
about boycotting Serena's games.
Well, guess what?
Tennis doesn't belong to you, you raggedy pieces of [bleep]
It's not her fault she dominates a sport
you so desperately want to keep white!
She's excellent! Too [bleep] bad!
And it's the referee's fault she yelled, not hers!
Asking her to shut up and take it
is asking her to be complicit in her own abuse,
and we don't do that anymore.
But...
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know if people are ready to hear that yet.
[ Ting! ]
[ Laughter ]
Then I found out people are saying
that Prime Minister Theresa May's Brexit strategy
means disaster for Britain.
And I was like, "What...is that jacket?"
Where did you get it from?
I would wear the ass off that jacket!
Would it look good on me?
Could I ask the graphics department?
Ooh. That's nice.
Do I dress like Theresa May?
I guess I do.
Then, something that makes less than no sense happened.
Okay. I found out Putin has appointed Steven Seagal
the new Russian ministry special representative,
and I was like, "Why?!"
Which brings us to a new segment called "Amber Says Why."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Putin, you want to improve relations with America,
and you picked Steven Seagal?
Why?
Why did you do this,
and what exactly is what you did?
What is it for?
Fun? Nothing? What?
Who gets something from it,
and why do they get what they get?
And what is what they get?
Why do you? Why did you?
Why did you do what you do?
Also, is this the kind of thing you do,
and where is this, exactly?
Where does it take place, and for whom?
Who can see it when it is happening,
and who are they and why are they that?
And what will this do?
And are you sure you want what this will do did?
Also, do you know who Steven Seagal is,
or, much more likely,
do you think he is someone he is not?
Who do you think he is?
Can you see him?
When you look at him, what do you see?
Something good?
In closing, why?
This has been "Amber Says What & Then She Says Why."
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Give it up for Amber Ruffin, everybody!