Narcissistic parents often view their children as a way
to serve their selfish needs and ambitions.
The child's individuality is denied
and the child simply becomes a mere extension
and reflection of the parents.
According to Melissa Burkley PhD,
"Narcissistic parents love what their children can do
for them and their children's achievements
because of how they reflect well on them."
Number two, your parent's love is conditional.
Have you ever received showers of praise and affections
when you get an A on a test,
but as soon as you're confused about an assignment
or get a bad grade,
your parents tell you that you are a disappointment.
For narcissistic parents, love comes with conditions.
It's hard to receive unconditional and stable love
from such parents.
These parents only support their children
for high achievement instead of letting
their children explore what they're interested in
and genuinely like.
Such children will only feel secure and worthwhile
when they're recognized as the best.
Number three, your parents feel they are superior to others.
Have your parents ever wanted you to stop interacting
with a friend who came from a poor household
or something similar?
A narcissistic parent always feels superior to other people
and often finds pleasure in advertising
their material possessions, accomplishments,
contacts with higher ups, and/or trophy spouse and children.
They think they're special and should only associate
with other special or high status people.
They have no problem going out of their way
to fish out flattery and ego boosting admiration
from others.
The key message is,
"Hey, look at me.
I have what you don't have."
Number four,
your parents are dismissive and unwilling to identify
with your feelings and those of others.
Have you ever tried to talk to your parents
about something embarrassing that happened at school,
but your parents dismissed it and talked about something
that happened to them at work that day?
Narcissists see situations and people
through a selfish lens.
Such parents merely think
of how a certain situation personally affects them
and are unwilling to consider the feelings and thoughts
of their children.
Number five, your parents compare you
to your siblings, friends, and the kids of their friends.
Narcissistic parents have a habit of engaging one child
in needless comparison with another child or peers.
Their intention is to use their children's inferiority
as a motivator.
What they want is for their children to fight
for their attention and approval.
Number six, your parents become furious
when something doesn't go their way,
no matter how small.
Have you ever found yourself tiptoeing
around your parent's temper?
You feel like you're walking on eggshells.
Narcissistic parents are often blinded to their own faults,
but are always keen to point out the flaws in others.
A harmless misunderstanding with their children is viewed
as a personal attack.
They view themselves as perfect.
Nothing can ever be their fault
and they are always the victim.
Number seven, your parents guilt trip you with fear,
obligation, and guilt.
Have your parents ever used their own death to get you
to feel bad about not wanting to do something?
Narcissistic parents often use fear, obligation,
and guilt on their children to cause the feeling of guilt.
They want their children to submit to their wishes
without considering what their children really feel
and think.
Number eight, you struggle with healthy boundaries
because there were none growing up.
In narcissistic parenting there is a refusal
to acknowledge the child as separate
from the parents as they view their child
as an extension of themselves.
This results in muddy boundaries with their children
in which the children's boundaries overlap
with their parent's boundaries
and an unhealthy parasitic manner.
The parents believe that they have the autonomy
to define, dictate, and dominate the children's thoughts,
feelings, opinions, and identity.
Growing up with easily permeable
and dysfunctional boundaries will hinder the children
from developing healthy boundaries in future relationships.
Number nine, your accomplishments are never your own doing.
Consider this scenario.
You receive congratulations from your school's principal
for receiving a valedictorian award
for your high school graduation.
Your mother, who is attending the award ceremony,
suddenly chimes in,
"Because I put my full focus on her achievements
since she was young and she gets it all from me."
What are your thoughts about this scenario?
What do you notice?
The mother makes it all about her.
It's thanks to her that she's been shaping her daughter
that way since young.
It's thanks to her
that her daughter received the valedictorian award.
She never associates the achievements
with her daughter's own hard work.
She never validates the teacher's role
in teaching her child.
For narcissistic parents, they always steal the thunder
and it always revolves around them.
Number 10, you become codependent.
Growing up with narcissistic parents can lead to a sense
of loss of self in the children.
Narcissistic parents often depend on their children
for validation to get their narcissistic supply.
The narcissists also control all facets
of the children's life
thus hindering the children's autonomy
and sense of independence.
Due to this, the children become codependent.
Codependent is defined as someone who feels accountable
for another person's feelings, problems,
and behaviors to the expense of themselves.
They're willing to abandon their own safety, emotional,
mental, and physical wellbeing to take care
of their parents.
If you find that the above points resonate
with your relationship with your parents,
it's highly recommended to seek therapy,
especially if you're struggling with things like anxiety,
depression, or trauma as a result.
As for the narcissistic parent,
it's very important for them to be motivated
to improve themselves in order for a change to take place.
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