-Patrick Henry -- "Give me liberty or give me death."
Death, please! Next!
[ Laughter ]
John F. Kennedy.
I'll tell you what you can do for my country --
Wrap it up.
Next!
♪♪
-This week, a Pennsylvania newspaper printed a retraction
of an opinion piece that was written in 1863,
which panned Abraham Lincoln's historic "Gettysburg Address."
Here now to comment, the author of that negative review,
the "Patriot and Union" speech critic, Jebidiah Atkinson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you for having me, Seth.
-So, Jebidiah, you were actually underwhelmed
by President Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address,"
calling it "silly" and saying that history
would soon forget it. -Correct.
-How do you feel about the newspaper's retraction?
-I stand by my words. They're cowards, Seth.
In fact, my first draft was much harsher,
and I was told to tone it down.
-Oh, wow. So, what was the first draft?
-Would you like to hear it?
-Sure.
-It goes as such.
Four snores and seven yawns ago,
this reviewer watched the President's speech
at Gettysburg, and let's be honest, Abe,
you dropped a real Lincoln log. [ Laughter ]
You know what the real "Gettysburg Address" is?
115 West Boring Street.
[ Laughter ]
And then there's the venue, a field.
Great acoustics.
Sorry if I couldn't hear you. I was in the second row.
-Wow! You didn't like it at all.
-I did not. What's to like?
"The world will little note nor long remember what we say here."
Oof! With dialogue that clunky,
I'm surprised he was shot by an actor.
[ Scattered laughter ]
Oh, is that too soon?
[ Laughter ] Get over it.
He's on the five.
-You really didn't like Lincoln.
-Not at all. Too lanky, big nose,
and don't get me started on that beard.
What was her name, Mary Todd?
[ Audience groaning ]
[ Laughter ]
-Tell me. Have you reviewed any other speeches over the years?
-I've reviewed all the speeches!
And I am not a fan!
Patrick Henry -- "Give me liberty or give me death."
Death, please! Next!
[ Laughter ]
John F. Kennedy.
I'll tell you what you can do for my country --
Wrap it up.
Next!
Martin Luther King.
You have a dream? That's great.
I had a train to catch, and I missed it.
[ Laughter ]
Next!
Jesus. -[ Groans ]
-The Sermon on the Mount. Blessed are the meek?
More like blessed are the deaf because they don't have
to listen to this eighth-grade poem.
And great location, Jesus.
The mount? Any reason we had to climb half an hour to hear this?
Also, nice fan base.
I've got a leper on one side of me
and a prostitute on the other.
Oh, and bravo on the food.
Nothing like mountaintop fish on a hot day!
Next!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, wait. I've got one on FDR's Pearl Harbor speech,
but I probably shouldn't do it
after the audience were such bitches
about that John Wilkes Booth joke.
-Yeah, I wouldn't do it. -I might do it.
-I think you're going to do it. -I'm going to do it.
-Do you know what date will live in infamy for me?
December 8, 1941,
when FDR gave a speech that was so boring ass.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I think I misquoted myself. -Yeah, I think you did, too.
[ Laughter ]
I was gonna say. That's not your best written one.
-No, that was a rough draft.
Could have used a couple of kamikazes after that.
[ Audience groans, laughter ]
-I think you were the kamikaze.
-I think so, on that, you know?
It's so hard being a critic, but I love it, Seth.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
It's so much more fun than my last job.
-What was your last job? -Failed speechwriter.
-Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone. -I'm your model!
-Well, the holiday season is upon us,
which means the return of many beloved Christmas specials.
Here with his review of these holiday classics
is 1860s newspaper critic Jebidiah Atkinson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hello, Seth. So happy to be back.
-Now, Jebidiah, in case anyone forgot,
the last time you were here, you shared your negative review
of "The Gettysburg Address."
-How could they forget, Seth? It was only three weeks ago.
Run stuff into the ground much? -Okay. Fair.
Now, despite your reputation as a harsh critic,
I still find it hard to believe that your heart wasn't warmed
by Charlie Brown's Christmas special.
-You don't have to believe it, Seth.
I have my review right here.
And I think you will find it to be fair and even-handed.
The Charlie Brown Christmas special was garbage!
I was hoping for joy and wonder.
Instead I got a 30-minute Zoloft commercial.
Cheer up, kids! You're 7!
No one wants to watch neurotic children trudging in the snow
to smooth jazz.
[ Laughter ]
Also, Charlie Brown, there's a pube on your forehead.
[ Laughter ]
And, oh, my, what a supporting cast.
Schroeder, sit up straight!
Peppermint Patty, let me guess what you did
for a Klondike bar -- Marcy.
-Ew. [ Audience groaning ]
-That might be the "ew" for next time.
-[ Laughs ]
-And don't even get me started on Snoopy.
If you ask me, "Family Guy" killed the wrong dog.
[ Audience groans ] Ohhh!
What?! He's a cartoon!
[ Laughter ]
In conclusion...
Wah-Wah-Wah.
Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah.
Translation -- it sucked.
-Can we maybe move on to some other holiday specials?
-Happily.
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
♪ And if you ever saw it, you would even say it blows ♪
[ Laughter ] Next!
"Frosty the Snowman"?
There might have been some magic in that old hat they found.
But I'll tell you what wasn't in there -- a story.
[ Audience groans ]
This is what I do!
Five minutes in, Seth, I was rooting for the sun.
-[ Laughs ] -Next!
"The Grinch Who Stole Christmas."
You know what else The Grinch stole?
30 minutes of my life.
Whoville? Exactly.
Whereville? The toilet!
Next!
-What about Christmas movies?
You have to like some Christmas movies.
-No one tells me what I have to do!
"It's a Wonderful Life"?
Too bad it's a terrible script. Next.
No, wait. Not next. Not yet.
Every time this movie airs, an angel blows his brains out.
Now next!
"Christmas Carol"? More like Ebenezer Snooze.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you. Thank you. [ Laughter ]
Thank you.
Hey, Dickens!
Four ghosts to tell one story?
I guess Tiny Tim isn't the only one who needed a crutch.
[ Audience groans ] Oh, and Tiny Tim, good news.
You're getting a Christmas goose.
Bad news -- the cure for polio is still 100 years away.
You're going to die!
Next!
Ugh.
And the dullest Christmas story of all --
the story of Christ's birth.
[ Audience groans ]
I'm thinking I probably shouldn't do this one
after the audience went full bitch over the Snoopy joke
and every other one since. -Yeah, I wouldn't do it.
-I wouldn't do it.
-I'm gonna do it! -I thought you might.
-Let's see.
A guy travels across the country with his family
to find out the hotel is closed.
I liked it more the first time when it was called
"National Lampoon's Vacation." [ Laughter ]
-The first time?
-"Oh, but great, Joseph.
Where should we deliver this baby?"
"Oh, I don't know.
How about a barn full of hungry animals?"
Hey, Seth, what do you call Joseph on a donkey?
-What? -Two asses!
No wonder Mary told everybody the baby wasn't his.
-Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone!
-Bah humbug! [ Cheers and applause ]
-This week, the nominations
for the 68th annual Tony Awards were announced.
Here with his reviews of some of the contenders
is 1860s newspaper critic Jebidiah Atkinson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you.
What a pleasure it is to be here.
-I can tell. So, Jebidiah,
did you get a chance to see this year's Tony nominees?
-Cecily, I have seen every major production
of every play in history!
And have judged each without prejudice.
I think you'll find I applied the same even-handed,
moderate approach to this year's Tony nominees.
[ Clears throat ]
The 2014 Tony nominations
make me wish theater never existed!
"Les Misérables" -- I dreamed a dream, too,
because I fell asleep in the first act.
"Aladdin" -- Here's my three wishes.
Make...it...stop.
Oh, and "Of Mice and Men."
The only thing slower than this play is Lenny,
but at least someone put him out of his misery.
[ Audience groans ] -Oh, wow.
All right, that one seems pretty harsh.
Did you like any of this year's nominees?
-I haven't liked any Tommy --
-What?
-I haven't liked any Tony nomination ever!
-Who is Tommy? -I -- I got big beef with Tommy.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-A bully, and, Tommy, you know who you are!
-Tommy. -But the Tonys, Cecily...
-Back to the Tonys.
Later on Tommy.
-...have been 68 years of unwatchable rubbish,
and I've reviewed it all!
"Fiddler on the Roof" -- here's some advice, Fiddler.
Jump!
Next!
"Wicked"?
If I wanted to watch a couple of hags
screech at each other, I'd watch "The View."
[ Audience "oohs" ]
Next!
"Rent."
♪ 525,600 minutes ♪
♪ Of garbage! ♪
♪ Neeeext! ♪
"Annie." Oh, great.
A needy ginger who breaks into song every five seconds.
Sing as loud as you want, honey.
Your parents ain't coming back. [ Audience groans, laughter ]
Next!
Ugh. And don't even get me started on "Cats."
I've seen a less depressing show featuring 100 cats.
It's called "Hoarders."
You know what that play needed --
A first-act visit from feline AIDS.
[ Audience groans ] Ughhhhh!
Cats don't care about you! -All right.
[ Laughter ] Okay.
So, you're not a fan of Tony nominees,
but do you like any of the classic plays?
Like, what about "Romeo and Juliet"?
-Ugh. "Romeo and Juliet." Pfft!
13-year-olds having sex. How romantic!
[ Laughter ] I came here to watch a play,
not to get added to a sex-offender registry.
Wherefore art thou, Chris Hansen?
-All right, come on.
There has to be at least one play you've enjoyed.
-Well, Cecily, there was one play I liked,
but I don't think the audience will want to hear the reason
after they were such pussies about that cat joke!
-Yeah, maybe you shouldn't. -I'm going to!
The only play I ever found even remotely tolerable
was a performance of "Our American Cousin"
at Ford's Theatre on April 14, 1865.
-Is that the play where Lincoln was shot?
-It sure was, Cecily! -Yeah.
Prepare yourselves.
It may not have gone over that well in the orchestra,
but it killed in the balcony.
[ Audience groaning, laughter ] I warned you!
-All right. -What? The union's intact!
-Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone! -Can a bitch get a beef bowl?!
-New seasons of the critically acclaimed series "Mad Men"
and "Game of Thrones" will begin soon,
and many are saying we are in a golden age of television.
Here with his reviews of some of these hit shows
is a man who has been around longer than TV itself,
1860s newspaper critic Jebidiah Atkinson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you, Michael, for that enthusiastic introduction.
So good to be back.
-So, Jebidiah,
have you been keeping up with all these big TV shows?
-Of course I have, Michael. -Yeah.
-And, as always, I think you'll find my reviews
to be perfectly moderate and totally rational.
-You know, I was worried about that --
-[ Clears throat ] All TV is excrement!
"Mad Men?"
The most likeable character on this show is cigarettes.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, AMC, if I wanted to know what life was like in the 1960s,
I'd move to Indiana.
[ Audience "ohhs" ]
Ohhh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I've been around a long time.
It's never been a great state.
[ Laughter ]
"Game of Thrones"?
Oh, great, a softcore porn with 100 hours of backstory.
At least in porn, you know how it's gonna finish.
Oh, and, George R.R. Martin,
you better hurry up and write those books,
because from the look of you, winter is coming.
[ Audience groans, laughter ]
And "House of Cards."
The only thing lazier than the writing
is Kevin Spacey's attempt at a Southern accent.
Ugh! And when he makes those turns to camera,
I haven't witnessed shots that jarring
since the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
[ Scattered laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
-Wait, Jebidiah, you were at the event
that started World War I?
-Of course I was, Michael, but I prefer the sequel.
-[ Scoffs ] [ Audience groans, laughter ]
-Oh, what, World War II wasn't a better war?
[ Laughter ] -That's pretty harsh, man.
There must be some shows that you do like.
-I haven't liked any television ever!
It's been 80 years of mind-poisoning rrefuse,
and I've rrreviewed it all!
Herrrre are a few from the archives.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm listening. -Thank you.
I want your full attention, Michael.
"The West wing."
The best lines on that show
are the ones that went up Sorkin's nose.
Next!
[ Laughter, cheers, and applause ]
Good distance on that one.
"Cheers."
♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪
From the AA meetings.
Next!
Oh, and "Lost."
Sure, it started out good,
but I haven't seen a final season that bad
since Joe Paterno's.
[ Audience groans ] Ohhhh!
Ohhhh! Ohhhhh! [ Laughter ]
If you don't like that joke,
just do as Joe did and turn a blind eye.
[ Audience groaning ]
[ Laughter ]
-Come on, you don't like anything on TV?
What about, like, a classic comedy like "Seinfeld"?
-Ugh! "Seinfeld."
I'd rather watch Michael Richards do standup
at the Apollo. [ Audience groans ]
That's right! I haven't forgiven him yet!
Hey, Kramer, I can say an "N" word, too -- next!
[ Laughter ]
Keep that for a souvenir.
"Saturday Night Live."
The same, tired characters
repeating the same, tired catchphrases.
Next! [ Laughter ]
"The Honeymooners."
A gritty depiction of a bus driver from the slums
who abuses his wife.
It's a comedy?!
[ Laughter ]
And who's the genius who said,
"Oh, this is great. Let's turn it into a cartoon,
set it in the stone age when women had an even harder time?"
[ Scattered laughter, groans ]
[ Laughter ]
And now we come to the worst television show of all time --
"I love Lucy." [ Audience "awws" ]
But I don't think I should do this joke after the audience
rioted over the Paterno joke.
-You know what? I don't think you --
-Well, I'm going to, Michael! -Oh.
-It's my thing!
"I love Lucy" --
Hey, Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do,
like why you'd stay married to a man who rafted over from Cuba
just to crush your dreams! [ Laughter ]
They should have called this show
"I Love Lucy's Ability to Get Me a Green Card."
[ Laughter ] -Jebidiah Atkinson, everybody.
-I voted for Stephen Douglas!
-For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che!
-And I'm Colin Jost.
♪♪