We've all been there.
Your child is in the middle of a tantrum
and their emotions are spiraling out of control
and you desperately want to help them.
So you do what all the parenting books,
Instagram influencers,
and even those 60 second TikTok parenting clips say to do,
and you acknowledge their feelings.
You say, "I understand you're upset
because your brother took your toys."
You've been told that when you do this,
your child will feel heard and seen,
and this will help them to calm down.
But, surprise, surprise, the tantrum doesn't stop.
So there you are, stuck on repeat mode,
echoing, "I see you're upset,"
as if it's some sort of magic mantra.
You're hoping that if you say it just one more time,
the message will finally get through
and the tears will stop.
But what if I told you this is making it worse?
Consider this, let's say you've had
a really tough day at work and you're venting to me,
letting out all of your frustrations.
And all I keep saying is,
I see you're upset again and again.
Would you feel better?
Not a chance.
You'd probably feel more wound up,
more upset and more well ready to explode.
You might even tell me to just be quiet and listen.
Now let's think about our kids in the same light.
Once we've acknowledged their feelings,
we don't need to keep repeating it.
And in fact, you shouldn't.
Because when your toddler is in the middle of a tantrum,
their thinking part of the brain is turned off.
When they're in this state,
they struggle to process what you're saying.
It's like trying to hear someone talk to you
while you're in the middle of a noisy crowd.
It's hard to focus and take in what's being said.
So instead, after you've acknowledged their feelings,
just be there with them.
You could offer a hug or sit quietly by their side,
or if they're open to it,
you could gently stroke their hair or their back.
Simply being quiet and maintaining a comforting presence
is an extremely effective form of support.
Although this may not stop the tantrum instantly,
it will help them feel loved and supported,
which is what they need most in these tough moments.
But I want to be clear here.
This doesn't mean that you should put up
with physical aggression or verbal abuse from your child.
If a tantrum reaches that level,
stepping back can actually be the best move.
For example, if your child begins to act out physically,
such as hitting you or throwing toys around,
you don't need to stay in harm's way to support them.
As long as they're safe, it's okay to sit a little away,
even in the next room,
while still letting them know that you're there for them.
You could tell them, "I see you're really angry.
It's okay to feel upset, but hitting hurts.
I'm right here and I'll be waiting when you're ready."
This is different from telling your child
to stop crying and walking away.
When you validate their emotions,
you're teaching them that it's okay
to feel all sorts of things.
A statement like,
"I can see you're really upset and that's okay.
I'm here when you're ready for a hug or to chat,"
sends a message that you're there and you're supportive.
You're showing them that even though
they're struggling with feelings right now,
you're patiently waiting to comfort them when they're ready.
On the other hand, if you tell them to stop crying,
brush off their feelings as no big deal,
and then leave them on their own,
you might be sending the wrong message.
It could seem like you're saying their feelings are annoying,
not okay, or that you don't want to be around them
when they're upset.
And this can make your child feel abandoned or worse,
that their feelings don't matter.
Remember, your little one is still figuring out
how to handle their feelings.
And as their parent, you play a big role
in their emotional development.
Your job is to help them understand what they're feeling
and most importantly, how to handle those feelings,
how to calm down, how to express their feelings
without causing damage or even how to fix
whatever problem has upset them, if that's possible.
Now, I won't lie to you, this is one of the hardest parts
of being a parent.
Staying calm and guiding your child through a tantrum,
allowing them to experience those feelings
without invalidating them, but while also making sure
that you're not reinforcing or encouraging
inappropriate behaviours is not easy.
It's something that we really struggled with
when our toddler started experiencing those big emotions.
As an OT, I had a few strategies up my sleeve
to help with emotional regulation
and avoiding tantrums and meltdowns.
But it wasn't enough to prepare me
for the emotional rollercoaster
that comes with a growing toddler.
Thankfully, the best clinical psychologist
I've ever had the pleasure of calling a colleague
is also one of my closest friends.
That means whenever we run into challenging behavior
with our toddler, I have the privilege of being able
to pick up the phone and ask for her advice.
I literally follow her advice to the letter
and it works every time.
While I'm lucky enough to have Isobel on speed dail,
I realise not everyone has direct access
to a clinical psychologist
to help with their toddler behavior questions on a whim,
which is why I planted the seed over many social events
until I finally convinced her to create something
that is available to everyone.
And that's how our new course, Happy Place, was born.
Now you can get access to all of her strategies
to help manage every aspect of toddler behavior.
Comfortable in the knowledge that you're building
a secure connection with your child
while teaching them how to manage
and regulate their emotions without using fear,
punishment or teaching them to simply hide their feelings.
The outcome being children who can self-regulate
their emotions, are emotionally well-balanced,
have high self-esteem and confidence,
and have a great connection with you
as their parents or carers.
So if you're interested, you can learn more about
Happy Place at brightestbeginning.com/happyplace. I've also
included a link in the description below this video. And depending on when you
watch this video we've got some special discounts and bonuses available to
celebrate the launch. So if you're watching it soon after this video goes
live you'll be able to jump in and take advantage of those as well. After working
on this for the last few months I'm so excited to share this with you. I love
how it's turned out and I know it's going to be so helpful for a lot of
families. So if you're interested head on over to brightestbeginning.com/happyplace
for all the details and I hope to see you in the course.