- So as you guys may have guessed Kate and I are rappers.
(audience laughs)
- And we're also very late bloomers.
- Yeah, we kissed someone in like seventh grade
and then nothing, nothing, nothing,
college kind of nothing, sex.
And so we just skipped third base altogether.
- Yeah. Basically we're really bad at giving hand jobs.
We never learned.
(audience laughs)
- And once you're 30, no one will teach you.
(audience laughs)
So this is really more of a cautionary tale.
You don't want to end up like this.
- I was in a situation
where I was trying to give a hand job once
and the guy was just like, "You know what?
Just let me do it. Let me do it."
(audience laughs)
And I was like, "I'm so sorry.
I'm just not good at that."
I felt really bad, but then we did have that nice fan
and he saw that we had this problem.
He's like, you know,
"Here is a link to a how to,"
and so I clicked on it and there's only one step.
It said, "Use your mouth."
(audience laughs)
- So DJ hit us up.
(upbeat music)
- We made this beat ourselves.
- That's why it's so good. - Oh yeah.
♪ Hand job, bland job ♪
♪ I don't understand job ♪
♪ I got a problem and I can't contain it ♪
♪ I'll use my icky sticky rhymes to help me explain it ♪
♪ Handy Js are like Stone Henge to me ♪
♪ Robert Stat can't even unsolved this mystery ♪
♪ I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer ♪
♪ I was in the gifted class, but a total late bloomer ♪
♪ Now I got a secret to get off my chest ♪
♪ Went from kissing to sex ♪
♪ But never learned the rest ♪
♪ In high school I was in the marching band ♪
♪ Not learning what to do with my hand ♪
♪ While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock ♪
♪ I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ I'm investigating bones like Deschanel ♪
♪ Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chappelle ♪
♪ When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick ♪
♪ I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick ♪
♪ I studied Bach, Jacques Chirac, and Isaac Asimov ♪
♪ But it wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off ♪
♪ Wouldn't let you touch my chest ♪
♪ Like your vapor rubbing vixen ♪
♪ Let alone deep throat your tricky dick Nixon ♪
♪ I want to learn how to make your Watergates flow ♪
♪ I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know ♪
♪ How to HJ your LB Johnson ♪
♪ Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ I should have explored new frontiers, like Will Wheaton ♪
♪ But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton ♪
♪ I've fallen into crisis, just like the Doubt ♪
♪ I want to give a hand job but I don't know how ♪
♪ Hand job, bland job, I don't understand job ♪
♪ Do I spit? Do I squeeze? ♪
♪ Do I ever touch the top? ♪
♪ How can I learn when you always make me stop? ♪
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
♪ Now I'm on a full blown investigation ♪
♪ To unlock the secrets of ejaculation ♪
♪ I need a translator like I'm reading Balzac ♪
♪ To crack the Rosetta stone over your ball sacks ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ The top is the part that confuses me the most ♪
♪ It looks like a silly putty Pac-Man ghost ♪
♪ Sometimes it's jello jiggling ♪
♪ Sometimes it's denser ♪
♪ But they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser ♪
(breathing heavily)
♪ like Sam Jackson I'm not as deep as shack ♪
♪ When it's soft and flabby like President Taft ♪
♪ It's like a deep south queen ♪
♪ That you want to make straight ♪
♪ Will I make it up right ♪
♪ If I move it like a Shake Weight? ♪
♪ Move it like a Shake Weight? ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ I'm pumping like breaks that aren't antilock ♪
♪ Try not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock ♪
♪ I go a little faster and then I worked hard ♪
♪ It's like a hamster ♪
♪ That you don't want to squeeze too hard ♪
♪ I'm working my hand till it gets arthritis ♪
♪ I'll be holding until I get the golden touch of Midas ♪
♪ I think therefore I am getting my day card ♪
♪ Until I fully comprehend ♪
♪ Your Marcia Gay hard on ♪
♪ But the biggest throbbing question of all ♪
♪ Seriously, what do you do with the balls? ♪
♪ Do I roll 'em like dice? ♪
♪ Do I mold 'em lake clay? ♪
♪ Do I tickle 'em like Elmo? ♪
♪ Or throw on like a party ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Do I move them all around or cup it slow? ♪
♪ They're the two little critic puppets ♪
♪ From the Muppet show ♪
♪ Just sitting there cranky and superfluous ♪
♪ How about I don't touch them unless you insist? ♪
♪ Hand job, bland job, I don't understand job ♪
♪ Do I spit? Do I squeeze? ♪
♪ Do I ever touch the top? ♪
♪ How can I learn when you always make me stop ♪
(audience applauds)
♪ How can I learn when you always make me stop ♪
(audience applauds)
- Thank you!
- Thank you! Should we bow?
- Bow?
- You wanna bow?
(audience applauds)