- What is sexual abuse in a relationship?
- This right now.
I did not consent to this.
Get your hand off me.
Mended Light.
(Alicia squeaks)
(upbeat music)
This seems like a really,
on the surface of it, a really simple question.
What is sexual abuse?
It's abuse of a sexual nature.
But we go into the nitty gritty of it
and there's a lot of layers to this.
Because sexual abuse can take a lot of forms.
It is not just having sex with someone against their will,
although that is one of the most insidious forms of it.
There can be overlap with physical abuse, verbal abuse,
emotional abuse, psychological and spiritual abuse.
And they all kinda bleed together.
You know, it's hard to know when one stops
and when one begins.
But what is sexual abuse?
I look at it ultimately as an attack
on the identity of a person.
In a sexually abusive relationship
or a sexually abusive scenario, you are no longer a person.
You are here for my gratification.
No matter what your desires are, no matter what your,
what you need to feel respected, what you need to feel safe,
I'm saying none of that matters to me.
And all that matters to me is what I want.
And so ultimately the sexual component
is a piece of the pie,
but it's really about robbing someone of,
or at least trying to rob someone of their sense of safety,
of their sense of respect,
and autonomy over their own choices in their own life.
- And so that can be in a partner committed relationship.
It could be in a casual dating relationship.
It could even be in a predatory relationship.
- Yeah, which could be with a family member,
with a friend, with someone that you trusted.
I mean, the fact is statistically,
stranger danger, although you know,
beware of strangers,
it's more often the people that you know.
- Right.
Well, it's somewhere, it's less than five, 10%.
- Yeah.
- 90, 95% of the time, it is somebody that you know.
- Yeah.
And so that takes us into, so what is sexual abuse?
Oftentimes it involves grooming.
And grooming is the process
of wearing down somebody's resistances,
their moral, their ethical,
their emotional, their relational,
their personal resistance to your sexual advances.
And it can be hard to tell off the bat
what grooming behaviors are.
Because very often they look like friendship behaviors
or even- - Kindness, consideration.
- Or even courting, courtship behaviors, right?
Like if I buy you flowers,
am I courting you or am I grooming you?
- Yeah.
- Because it could be the exact same behavior.
And I could even have the same goal in mind
or at least part of it.
Like I would like to be intimate with you.
I mean, the fact is if I'm courting someone romantically,
that's part of that equation.
So what is the difference between courting and grooming?
What do you think?
(crickets chirp)
(Jonathan laughs)
I can answer it.
If you, if you, I just put you on the spot.
I just thought you might.
- I didn't have any particular thoughts
on that specific question.
- And that very question.
What is the difference between courting and grooming?
There are people who are sexually abused
and they don't know it,
because they have been backed into a corner.
They have been led step by step to a place
that they didn't want to go.
And then they think,
"Well, I was a willing party the whole time."
I would say the biggest difference
between courting and grooming is boundaries.
Right?
If I'm courting somebody, I have boundaries.
I have, this is my speed, this is what I'm comfortable with.
And I also want to know theirs.
If I'm courting someone, I respect their boundaries.
If I'm courting someone,
what is the speed that you want to go?
How far are you comfortable going?
What does that look like for you?
That matters to me.
If I'm grooming someone, it doesn't.
And I might even pretend that it does, which is, you know,
which is where it gets hard to tell.
- Right.
- But ultimately,
are you doing things that you didn't wanna do?
If the answer is yes,
then there's a sexual abuse component to this relationship.
Unless, well, and now there may be a caveat to that,
which is the other person didn't know
'cause you never voiced it.
Right?
But if you voiced it and they overrode it,
that's sexually abusive.
- Yeah.
Well, and it's also important to keep in mind,
let's say someone has experienced a sexual trauma, right?
- Yeah.
- And then all sorts of things become triggers, right?
Because they were once in a place where they were
traumatized and lacked safety and so on and so forth.
And so even, you know,
having a normal dating relationship with someone,
the other person could unknowingly trigger something, right?
- Yeah.
- And that doesn't mean that that person
was then committing sexual abuse, but it was a trigger.
And so the person that was abused needs
to have some form of communication, right?
- Right.
Well, because in that case it could feel like sexual abuse,
because it's bringing up all the same feelings
that were there before.
Be it fear, be it shame, be it, you know,
whatever it may be.
And so it's easy to say this is happening again.
When, is it?
- Right.
- Right?
And once again, the biggest way to know is,
do I draw a boundary that is respected?
And if it's not, then you're dealing,
'cause I could be dating somebody
and I want to get passionate with them
and I think they're on the same page as I am,
and so in my mind, it's all consensual,
but in their mind they don't wanna upset me,
they don't wanna lose me,
or they're afraid I might turn aggressive
or violent if they don't,
because that's like what history has shown.
And so they start conceding without actually voicing.
And so the flip side of this is,
if you have been a victim of abuse,
is finding your voice to draw your boundaries.
The flip side of that is,
if you haven't, but you're in a relationship with somebody,
to always be checking.
To never really assume.
- Right.
And to be like, "Hey, are you okay with this?"
And then even taking an extra step and saying,
"If the answer is no, it's okay."
'Cause you might say, "Hey, are you okay with this?"
And they say yes.
Right?
Because they don't think they have the option of saying no.
- Right.
- And so clarifying like it's okay to say no,
like these things can get murky and confusing.
And there are definitely times where it's like,
yes, that is clearly sexual assault.
Right?
I was abused, I was assaulted, I was raped.
But the reason we're having this conversation,
what is sexual abuse,
is because sometimes it's hard to tell.
- Mm hm.
And I think it's important to talk about,
there can be coercion in a committed partner relationship
when it comes to sexual expectations, right?
And just- - Marriage rape is a thing.
- It is, it is.
- And even backing away from marriage rape,
'cause there's a spectrum here.
There's sexual coercion.
There's sexual manipulation.
Go ahead.
- Oh, just having those conversations around that,
like the principle of boundaries and saying no,
and saying here's what I'm comfortable,
here's what I'm not comfortable with
is included in marriage.
- Yeah.
- Or a committed partner relationship.
- Right, right.
Really, it comes down to safety and respect.
- And something else that's important to bring up,
regarding sexual abuse,
is I've never met anyone who has experienced
that type of abuse that to some extent
didn't internalize it,
to some extent didn't think,
well, at some point, you know, not forever or for always,
but didn't think at some point,
"Well it was my fault, well I was part of it,
well, what if I had done all these things differently?"
Under no circumstance is it ever the abused person's fault.
You know?
- Yeah.
- It needs to be the responsibility of the abuser.
- Yes, absolutely.
And me saying have a voice, draw your boundaries,
is not saying that if you fail to do so,
that you are responsible for any sort of abuse.
It is merely just me saying like,
this is how you know if the person that you're with
is a good fit or not, is someone who would be abusive,
or someone who would be respectful.
Do you draw boundaries that are honored?
But ultimately everyone's behavior,
they are responsible for themselves.
- Yeah.
Well, and that can be a lot easier to say than to do.
'Cause so often when someone's experienced trauma,
and this can be true for any type of trauma,
they feel, and this isn't even a conscious thought,
but that they feel that they've lost their choice,
their ability to make choices,
their ability to decide things for themselves.
- Yeah.
- And so, I mean, it takes some work and some effort
to get to that place of going,
wait, I'm not speaking up for myself,
I'm not setting boundaries.
Because there's a subconscious unconscious belief
that they don't have the power to.
Because typically with trauma,
there was some circumstance where they were unable
to use their voice and to make decisions for themselves.
- Yeah.
- So typically with trauma,
there was some circumstance where their ability
to make a choice was taken away.
- Right.
- And so there's a subconscious unconscious belief of,
well, I can no longer make choices.
And so getting to that safe place,
physically, mentally, emotionally
recognizing you have the ability to make choices,
and then deciding what it is you want,
and then using your voice in a healthy way
to express those choices.
And if your relationship you're in
or were in the past isn't safe enough to do that,
then get some support, get some help.
It's not your fault, but you need to be in a safe place.
- Well said.
Now I mentioned earlier drawing healthy boundaries
in a relationship, but what does that look like?
How do you do it?
And what types of boundaries should you draw?
We've got a video for that.
Because we've got a video for everything.
Because that's what we're all about.
If you or someone that you know have been abused sexually,
you don't have to go through this alone.
We've got qualified trained therapists on our team
who are able to assist you.
So there's a link in the description
for a complimentary 15 minute consultation.
Please use it.
And if you don't get help with us,
please get help somewhere.
- And remember to keep shining, we need your light.
- [Jonathan] And here's that video
we were telling them about.
- [Alicia] It's a good video.
- [Jonathan] It is.
Check it out.