- I came home from the road.
This is not long ago.
I've been gone for, I was gone for weeks and weeks.
And when I came back, nobody was home.
Not one person in my family thought that
maybe I'd like to see them when I got back.
Like they knew when I was coming back,
but they just weren't, they just weren't home.
And that shit was a wake up call.
You know, like when my kids were little
and the tour bus would pull up to the house,
these motherfuckers would spill out.
"Dad is home, hooray!"
And they'd hug me and kiss me.
And then as the years went on, they'd get less interested.
"Hey everybody, look, it's Mr. Promises back from the road."
But empty house, that's some cold shit.
And I went into my oldest son's room,
I was like, "Hello, hello?"
He was gone and I never done this to him before,
but for some reason I just did it.
I just, I just looked through his shit.
Just to see who this motherfucker was becoming.
And I found these notebooks
and I started going through the notebooks
and it was all this wonderful poetry in them,
written in his handwriting.
I didn't even know this nigger wrote poems.
And then I looked through his drawers
and I opened up his middle drawer
and I found his rolling paper.
And I looked down at them papers like,
oh, that's where that poetry's coming from.
And that shit broke my heart.
I mean, I smoke weed but I mourned my son's innocence
and I cried a little bit.
And I took his papers upstairs to my room,
rolled some weed that I'd hid from the family
and I got really high.
And then I got paranoid.
So I put his papers back how I found 'em.
So he wouldn't know what I was up to.
This nigger won't even know that that happened
until he sees this special.
Yeah, nigga, I found your papers.
- But we, as a nation, we have been traumatized
by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned
for having weed.
And it highlights the absurdity
of not only it having been illegal
and so crazy for so many years
but also highlights how the next generation
will not believe our stories about it at all.
There's a 0% chance
they will understand what we're talking about.
It'd be like trying to tell a kid now like,
"Hey, you know pigeons used to deliver messages to people."
They'd be like, "The fuck are you saying right now?"
It'll be the same thing.
I'm gonna sit my son down one day and be like,
"You know when I was your age to get weed, I almost died."
And he'll be like, "Why, was 7/11 on fire or something?"
They didn't sell it at 7/11.
Daddy used to get in cars with strangers.
Where are we going?
Chill out.
All right.
Three hour round trips to buy weed.
And if you're like, oh, what kind of weight were you moving?
$20 worth of marijuana.
That kind of major shit.
I bought weed from a dude in a standalone trailer one time.
Not a trailer park, a solo trailer.
The most terrifying housing situation that exists.
Like where other trailer people
are like get the fuck outta here.
They kick him out.
I just walk up to that shit at 15.
This dude's like you trying to get a sack.
I was like, oh shit, yeah.
He goes, we could go do that.
And I was like, all right, cool.
And he goes, "We just need to go get it."
I was like, "You don't fuckin' have it?
Isn't that your sole responsibility?"
So I tried to play cool.
I was like, "All right, let's go get it."
He goes, "I'll go get it.
You stay here and watch my place."
And I was like,
"okay."
And he goes, "There's a .357 and a shotgun on my bed.
Anybody comes in here, blast 'em."
Inside paralysis.
But what I said was "That's what's up."
Like, yeah, man.
And then he stopped at the door and he goes
"But don't shoot my mom."
I go, "Can we get a description before we agree to terms?"
How about a height and weight on old mom?
- I have good news.
I finally smoked weed with my mom.
Did it.
It took me 36 years of campaigning, finally did it.
Now keep in mind, my mom is a 700 year old Jew, okay.
It wasn't easy.
No, she came to my house.
We were in Los Angeles.
And I'm driving around with my mom
and I go, "Mom, smoke pot with me."
She goes, "No, it's illegal."
And I go, "No, it's not.
It's legal now."
And she goes, "Oh, okay."
Swear to God it was that easy.
So we went to my house
and I'm trying to smoke a bowl with her
and she can't inhale.
She looks like Dizzy Gillespie the whole time.
She's like.
So I give her a little weed cookie.
And then we start playing Scrabble.
And then 20 or 30 minutes later, her eyes got all red.
And she looked up at me and she goes, "My mouth is dry.
Is that part of the appeal?"
And then she snapped and she was like, "Bring it in.
Bill Cosby didn't do it.
I did it."
And I haven't seen her since.
- My dad just found marijuana.
70 years old, started eating it every night,
20 milligrams, my mom says.
Dad's eating 20, that's what I said.
I was like, that's a lot.
I goes, "Are there any side effects?"
She goes, "Other than the fact
that he calls me bro a lot, no."
We go down to Tampa.
Spend some time with my parents.
We're out on their dock.
My whole family, my dad, my mom.
You can tell when my dad's weed kicks in
'cause he starts humming Jimmy Buffet songs.
All of a sudden he just pops up, turns around to us,
he goes, "Who wants to talk to an owl tonight, huh?"
I look at my mom.
I go, "How much weed is Harry Potter eating?"
My mom's like, "No, he talks to an owl every night.
Show him, Albert."
My dad just gets on the edge of the dock and goes "Who!"
My idiot kids are like, "Papa, should we hoot too?"
He's like, "Yeah, come on girls.
We're all hoot, let's do it.
Here we go.
Who, whoo!"
Now the three of them are on the edge of the dock
like three crips letting them know
cops are in the neighborhood.
Hooty-hoo, hooty-hoo, wa-gah, wa-gah!
Five minutes goes by, five minutes
we don't hear a sound.
I look at my dad.
I go, "Hey Dad, maybe we should sit down.
I don't think your owl's out tonight."
He's like, "Yeah, that's crazy.
He's always out.
Don't worry, we'll try again tomorrow girls."
Pour a glass of wine.
30 seconds later, clear as a bell,
all of us hear "Who."
I get chill bumps.
I look at my dad and I go, "Dad, it's your owl."
He's like "I told you, bro."
He's like, "I'll get 'em going.
And once I get 'em going, we can all talk to him, all right.
Who!"
And right on top of it we hear, "Whoo.
Who!
Whooo!
Who! Whooo!"
My oldest daughter goes, "Dad?"
I go "Shut the fuck up, we're talking to an owl."
She goes, "Dad."
I go, "Wait your turn, bitch, I'm next."
She goes, "Dad, look across the lake
at the old man on his dock."
Sure as shit, there's another drunk, blind old white man
just "Who!
Who!"
These two are like Rick Flair in a cave,
just who!
Who!
- I went away on a lads weekend.
Oh oh.
Lads, lads, lads, lads, lads!
I with Digby and Rupert and,
quite the threesome.
I, that sounded less gay in my head.
That's the most overrated thing in the world
by the way, the threesome.
Sorry, this is a bit of an aside.
I had a threesome once at school, okay.
It was with this beautiful Italian exchange student
called Maria and this chap called Munford.
And
you just get in each other's way.
Eventually I had to be like,
I think it's probably best if you go
and just leave us two together.
Fortunately, she was very understanding.
Munford, odd chap, but a bloody good teacher.
So, lads weekend.
Lads weekend, okay, we went to Amsterdam, all right.
So we're in Amsterdam and me and my chums,
Rupes and Diggers, right,
we're down this kind of back street
and one of them, Diggers, naughty guy, okay.
Diggers is smoking some of the weedy puff.
Yeah, I'm not really into it as you probably guessed
by the fact that I just called it weedy puff out loud.
Weedy puff, weed, that's how normal people talk, Jack.
So he was smoking some weed
and he turned to me and he went, you know,
"Jack, do you wanna have a suck on this?"
Not, not suck, not suck.
That is not the word he used,
That is not,
this story's going really well.
Yeah, I was down a back street with one of my friends
and he asked if I wanted to have a suck on this.
That is not,
I'm having a brain bug, or not suck, what's the word?
Puff, thank you to the crack whore down the front.
Do you wanna have a puff on this weed?
Anyway, I said no, because you know, we're in public.
It's not a great look.
What if someone sees?
He went, "Jack, two things.
Firstly, it's legal.
Secondly, we're in Holland.
No one knows who the fuck you are.
Smoke it."
Now, I'm not proud okay.
I gave in to the peer pressure.
This is why you cannot smoke a spliff on the street
in the year 2017.
I shit you not, as I put this spliff to my lips,
I looked up and the bloody Google Maps car
with the 360 camera is going by.